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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosp app vs Funeral

137 replies

SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 07:57

I have PCOS and been waiting ages to get an app, to finally get medication to assist my PCOS.

I've had the app booked for 2 weeks, it's in another 3 weeks.

Yesterday I found out the date of FIL's funeral. Same date. Within an hour of each other. The hosp app is in my home town, and the funeral is 2.5 hours drive away.

Called hosp to request to change date, they said next app I could have is middle of June. So nearly 6 weeks away.

I didn't change anything yet but honestly don't know what to do.

Funeral will last 20 mins (cremation) and there's no 'do' afterwards. Be driving 5 hours total (if no traffic) for a 20 min service. My daughter isn't going, so will have to organise and pay for childcare.

The hosp app will really make a difference to my health and wellbeing. Won't have to pay for childcare and I can take her with me, won't have 5hour drive.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I just can't justify spending £30 on fuel, £45 on childcare. For a 20 min service of someone who I wasn't keen on. And pushing back an app I've been waiting months to get.

OH will go either way, he has his own car so he's not relying on me.

OP posts:
seoulsurvivor · 30/04/2016 08:59

I'm not close to my father, have a weird and distant relationship, I have remarked to my partner that if my dad died, I wouldn't be that bothered.

But I'd still be gutted if he didn't come to his funeral.

YABU

rainbowstardrops · 30/04/2016 08:59

If you're a nervous passenger then why don't you drive DH??? I can't believe you'd both travel all that way in separate cars. That's just weird Confused

Bearlyknitted · 30/04/2016 08:59

The tone of your posts is so horrible.

Divathecat · 30/04/2016 09:00

Why bother posting this OP?

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 09:00

I don't understand what you mean. If we both went, he'd be coming in my car. To go in separate cars would be ridiculous :-/

OP posts:
Winifredgoose · 30/04/2016 09:00

Unless is was critical urgent medical care, I would be absolutely devastated if my husband didn't come to my dad's funeral. I would go as far as to say it would be a deal breaker.

TheMailAreAtItAgain · 30/04/2016 09:00

I have a long standing health problem & am seen every 3 months for injections. I had a friends funeral the day of my appointment - I couldn't do the two on the same day. I went to the funeral & waited another 3 months for my injection. So yes YABU.

Lweji · 30/04/2016 09:01

I think it all depends on him.
Has he been much affected?
You need to ask him if he wants you to go and balance it against your current physical pain.
His not wanting to pay for childcare or your petrol would suggest he really isn't keen on you going (or you have bigger problems in your relationship if he considers childcare is not his responsibility).

A funeral in 3 weeks is not the same as in three days.
Your pain is current and it's affecting your life.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 09:02

You just have this attitude of his funeral being such an inconvenience to you, I just don't get it.

But heh - you know your set-up better than any of us and if not supporting a loved one during the death and funeral of their parent is considered acceptable then go to your appointment.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 09:03

DivaTheCat

Why bother posting? Because I love randoms telling me I'm being unreasonable, that I'm not in pain because of the PCOS (or that I've been in pain years, what's a few more weeks), and that I'm being unreasonable that I can't afford £100!

Obviously... HmmGrin

OP posts:
Ankleswingers · 30/04/2016 09:03

FFS it's your FIL.

Gee, your making such a deal out of it. Likelihood is that you'll be seen for an initial consultation with a treatment plan/ investigative procedures discussed. You aren't prepared to wait six weeks for that??

As a fellow PCOS sufferer, I understand the pain and discomfort that you are going through, I really do.

It sounds to me as though you really don't want to go to the funeral at all and there are deeper issues here with your in laws.

Bearlyknitted · 30/04/2016 09:03

So why did you post then?

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 30/04/2016 09:04

YABridiculouslyU- it's his FATHERS funeral?

You sound unbelievably self involved.

Ruthiesj · 30/04/2016 09:05

I asked about your relationship with OH not because I think you should shoulder the full cost of attending the funeral, but because you said he wouldn't offer to help with the costs. However, it didn't sound as though you'd spoken about it at all.

I really think you need to talk to your OH about all of this. But imo it sounds like you're seeking as many excuses as possible to avoid the funeral in favour of your appointment; if your OH gets this impression too, it could really upset him at a vulnerable time.

I think it's quite telling that the focus of your OP was on making a decision about whether to attend FIL's funeral or hospital appointment, rather than how to overcome a few obstacles in your way of supporting OH at the funeral.

ilovesooty · 30/04/2016 09:05

You've made your mind up so you've seemingly only posted for validation.

Penfold007 · 30/04/2016 09:08

Sounds as though you have separate finances. Can't you tell your H that you can't afford the fuel and child care costs so if he would like you to go to the funeral he needs to pay the extra costs?

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 09:09

Not sure who said it but ALL childcare is my responsibility. Even on the days I work, if he is asked to cover a shift, I have to either sort and pay for childcare, or take time off work because he won't refuse it.

I think I'll go, take my daughter and he can help with fuel. If he has an issue with DD going, I'm not going. Will arrange app for another day.

He can just help more in day to day life as this pain is becoming unbearable recently.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/04/2016 09:10

Really you need to discuss it with your husband.

Sparklingbrook · 30/04/2016 09:12

You should definitely go to the funeral.

Caffeinator · 30/04/2016 09:14

ilovesooty exactly.

dementedpixie · 30/04/2016 09:14

Sounds like you feel unsupported day to day. At least you have a plan now. You all go, share fuel costs and rearrange your appointment

cavedescreux · 30/04/2016 09:18

I thought this was going to be about some distant relative . Without question you should go to your FIL's funeral I'm afraid.

BikeRunSki · 30/04/2016 09:18

Funeral. You wouldn't be going for your FiL, you'd be going for your DH.

Threefaries · 30/04/2016 09:20

Could you discuss your delema with your husband? Sorry if this has been asked/ discussed, I have not read all of the posts.

From what I have read of your posts I get the impression that some family members are not too supportive of you. Maybe it's time you start looking out for yourself more and go to the hospital appointment.

If personally faced with this choice I would attend the funeral over the hospital appt without question, however my set up sounds quite different to yours. I am therefore in no position to judge you.

Sparklingbrook · 30/04/2016 09:20

Are they holding the June appointment for you? If not it will probably be gone by the time you call back.