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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what a children life might bring?

147 replies

springtimevintagedream · 13/04/2016 21:28

DP and I are not yet fully decided on the matter of children.

We both want them dearly but for a variety of reasons have to concede that perhaps it would be unfair, and selfish to have them, as we just couldn't offer them a great upbringing.

Obviously this is hard.

So - trying to think of a life WITHOUT children, what would you do?

The advantages are, we can stay in a small property without a mortgage. We both love animals so a dog / horse are possibles. Saving money isn't as much of a worry due to not having to think about the hundred and one needs of a growing family so we can be selfish with the cash!

What would you do? :)

OP posts:
Osolea · 13/04/2016 21:30

I'd go on a lot of holidays.

AddToBasket · 13/04/2016 21:31

I would entertain a lot. I would have friends over. I would have big Saturday lunches with wine that no-one needs to get up from.

Lots of going to the theatre and exhibitions.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 13/04/2016 21:32

One of the problems is that friends tend to have their own children, so socially things can be a tad limited.

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 13/04/2016 21:33

Sleep. Not be bossed about by a primary school. Go on more holidays.

GlitteryFluff · 13/04/2016 21:33

Holidays/travel/see the world.

Leeds2 · 13/04/2016 21:34

Would you consider fostering?

neonrainbow · 13/04/2016 21:34

Id get a horse :)

waterrat · 13/04/2016 21:35

Blimey if you want them have them! No material possessions or holidays or lunches can compare to the incredible love you feel for your children and the insane way they transom your life.

I am not rosy eyed. I just had a bloody hard day qith my two...and we are skint.

But if you want them
..Have them and fill them with love. ..that's all children need.

addstudentdinners2 · 13/04/2016 21:36

Sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep!!

chanice · 13/04/2016 21:36

Go backpacking around the world. Find a country I like and open a B&B there, live permanently in holiday mode

CutYourHairAndGetAJob · 13/04/2016 21:37

I love my DC very much but if I didn't have them I would

Sleep
Do a part time course
Sleep more
Go on lots of holidays
Take other people's DC out on fun days out, knowing that I could return them at bedtime
Sleep more

Can you tell I have a small baby? Grin

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 13/04/2016 21:38

Unfortunately Leeds the same things that would largely render us/me unsuitable for parenting also apply to fostering.

Waterrat, that's so lovely, thank you. It's just very hard as potentially we could end up with a child or children who really resent us in years to come and that would make me very Sad

OP posts:
7Days · 13/04/2016 21:38

Your friends may have children, but they don't stay small for long. They will drop out of circulation for a few years but they'll come out the other side. Won't be the same,no, but they will definitely be on for nights away, wine lunches etc again

Suzietwo · 13/04/2016 21:39

Two of my siblings don't have children. They're in their late 40s. My sister doesn't have a solid r'ship and still behaves as though she's in her 20s, albeit with a really serious job. Lots of very close (usually child free) friends, fantastic holidays and a wonderful life.

My brother married at 45. They thought they'd have children but haven't yet and I doubt they will. She is nearly 40. They travel a lot, eat out several times a week, go to the gym and to concerts.

I think my brother would have liked children while my sister definitely didn't (and had an abortion at 42 to prove her point). Both live very full lives which they enjoy hugely and wonder why I look such a fucking revolting state when I see them.

teacher54321 · 13/04/2016 21:39

If we didn't have Ds I would sleep a lot more. And go to the gym a lot more and have a LOT more money and a nifty sporty car and would go on amazing holidays. However cheesy as it sounds I wouldn't swap him for any of those things. However we will be stopping at one. And I do fantasise about him being grown up so that I can be independent to an extent once more!

7Days · 13/04/2016 21:43

Maybe you could explore those issues in therapy if you haven't already. issues to do with parenting often have their roots in our own childhoods which are really difficult to recognise let alone unpack them. Some self awareness of our own flaws and triggers would go a long way in avoiding passing our issues to the next generation.

Saying that, all kids resent their parents, for a few years at least because all parents make mistakes. The willingless to make the effort to be a good parent goes a very long way to actually being one.

Sorry if you have already been through all this, I don't mean to force you to the dark other side if you have made your decision.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2016 21:43

It's just very hard as potentially we could end up with a child or children who really resent us in years to come Potentially anyone could. In fact the very reasons I liked my childhood were the reasons my brother didn't like his.

If there were no DD I would go to Uganda or Yunnan and start a little guesthouse. I would travel and see more of the world.

AndNowItsSeven · 13/04/2016 21:46

What stops you from thinking you can parent?

ElectronicDischarge · 13/04/2016 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyMcGrumpyFace · 13/04/2016 21:50

I wouldn't be without DD. She is the best part of me. When I thought that I wouldn't be able to have children I became very depressed. But now she's here, she is a blessing.

I suppose if I hadn't had her I would have eventually come to terms with it but it would've taken a whilst. I probably would work more during the week, sleep more at weekends, go travelling on holiday to exotic places (although this can be boring and lonely when alone) probably have more pets and most definitely a nicer home. Suppose I can do all these things in 10 years time when she is grown up and independent.

Gwenci · 13/04/2016 21:50

I would go for long, lazy, boozey lunches on Saturdays and I'd sleep late on Sundays.

I'd read books. I'd have impromptu nights out that didn't require weeks of planning. I'd go to the cinema, theatre and gigs. I'd go to Glastonbury! I'd go on three holidays a year to adult only resorts.

I'd go to the gym. I'd get my hair done more regularly than once every year and a half.

I'd go travelling again.

But I only know how amazing those things are because of my DC. If I'd never had them I'd be doing those things and wishin I could trade them all in for a baby.

I'm really sorry that you want children dearly but feel you shouldn't. The must be really hard. Flowers

Amy214 · 13/04/2016 21:50

My auntie and uncle dont have any kids and they always go on holidays, now they are fostering kids and love it.

Realitybitesyourbum · 13/04/2016 21:52

Why are you unsuitable to be parents, do you think? Seems an odd thing to say.

OddSocksHighHeels · 13/04/2016 21:54

Is your worry financial? If so, you can deal with that. If it's other stuff then I'm sorry for sounding like I'm prying, obviously don't say more if you don't want to!

Pets are great if you want them! You can do whatever hobbies you enjoy or travel. Do what makes you happy.

Original poster
springtimevintagedream · 13/04/2016 21:55

I am sorry you feel it is odd.

There are health considerations on both sides that could make many aspects of parenting difficult / impossible.

OP posts: