To wonder what a children life might bring?

[springtimevintagedream]

DP and I are not yet fully decided on the matter of children.

We both want them dearly but for a variety of reasons have to concede that perhaps it would be unfair, and selfish to have them, as we just couldn't offer them a great upbringing.

Obviously this is hard.

So - trying to think of a life WITHOUT children, what would you do?

The advantages are, we can stay in a small property without a mortgage. We both love animals so a dog / horse are possibles. Saving money isn't as much of a worry due to not having to think about the hundred and one needs of a growing family so we can be selfish with the cash!

What would you do? :)

[whois]

Silly question - if you don't have children then you life continues as is - more time and money to spend on yourself, rather than on caring for others. Be it entertaining, exercise, hobbies, new clothes, holidays, etc. .

[SingingSamosa]

I'd buy some run-down houses and do them up to sell
I'd have more sleep
I'd have more money
I'd get another horse
I'd be able to attend my running club meetings more often
I'd go on more holidays
I'd visit my friends more often (as most live away from me)

I'd not have the unconditional love of my children
I'd not have any possible grand children in my future
I'd not have the joy of seeing my children grow into adulthood
I'd not have my little scrapbook of all the hilarious conversations and photos that I've kept over the years to look back on and remember
I'd have a lot of regrets about not having children by the time it was too late to change my mind

People who think they are unsuitable parent material are the sort who usually make great parents as they are the ones under no illusions about the job

[lorelei9here]

OP I realise we aren't in the same boat but this is a question I find surprising - I've been asked it for myself.

I never wanted children. I also decided I wanted to stay single but when I had long term relationships I never considered being with a man who wanted children because it would be pointless.

I'm 40, I'm single, I'm childfree. I'm also not someone who feels the need to be busy 100% of the time, but I'm hardly short of things to do. It can be a bit odd when friends first have children and they are busy and overwhelmed but sometimes it means they're delighted to have someone to amuse toddler while they do other stuff.

between work, social stuff, general life I feel like I'm too busy, not the other way round. I have godchildren but they live at the other end of the country so I tend to spend time with them en bloc rather than be able to see them often.

obviously I'm biased due to not wanting children in the first place but if anything, I have found that being childfree still hasn't left me a lot of free time. I do have elderly parents to factor in but even before they needed my time, I was still feeling quite over-busy.

[Lottapianos]

'Not having children can make you feel very isolated'

I very much relate to this. I think its really important to try to cultivate as many friendships with childfree people as possible. I get a real boost from spending time with other childfree people - it makes me feel part of a tribe in the way that hanging out with parents and children doesn't. I have really struggled at times with the feeling that there's a huge party going on which almost everyone else has been invited to. Then I remind myself that being on the inside of a family can also be the loneliest place in the world.

As other posters have said OP, if you do decide not to have children, please do not feel that you have to turn into some modern day saint to make up for it. You are under no obligation whatsoever to give more to charity or start volunteering or anything similar. You can just spend more time pleasing yourself, if that's what you want to do.

I envy the posters who say that the question of children was just never on their radar. I have absolutely agonised about it for years and years and have only recently started to feel much more at peace with the decision not to have children. I wish it had been more straightforward.

deleboledella, selfishness is very underrated in my opinion

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

You are under no obligation whatsoever to give more to charity or start volunteering or anything similar. You can just spend more time pleasing yourself, if that's what you want to do.

:o

Every time I get miserable about not having been able to have kids, I think of this "pleasing myself thing". I also remind myself of my own mother who visibly resented and blamed her own children/husband because she wanted more time to please herself and couldn't have it.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

If I were at my stage in life but without children I'd holiday, travel and have sporty hobbies - swimming, running, a martial art. Maybe try to challenge myself, like run a marathon, or devote time to doing something really, really well. Eat meals in really nice restaurants, do more unusual or once in a lifetime experiences, cross things off my bucket list.

Currently pregnant again so it's going to be quite some time before I do any of these things. I love my ds with all my heart and wouldn't change anything for the world, but life can be incredibly fulfilling without children.

[BarbarianMum]

I'd like to think I'd have a rich social life, travel a lot and write that book I've always been meaning to. In reality I think I would have become a desperately unhappy workaholic, although it's possible I might have undertaken a more international career which would have fulfilled me.

I certainly have friends who have chosen not to have children who lead very happy lives - not so much with friends who couldn't have them, although even they are happier now we are all getting beyond the age where babies are possible.

[BillSykesDog]

Drink. Just drink. And stay in bed a lot more. And spend money on myself.

[merrymouse]

In this fantasy world I am going to assume that I am not desperately happy because I don't have children.

So, leaving that aside, I would take more risks and travel.

[Lottapianos]

My mother was similar to yours Sukey - she felt trapped and resentful often and told me that if she had her time again, she would just spend her time having fun and pleasing herself. Her marriage was an enormous disappointment as well so that didnt help. Unsurprisingly, this has made the prospect of motherhood seem somewhat terrifying to me!

[handslikecowstits]

OP, I am 38, married, childfree with a long standing health condition which would make parenting more difficult, although not impossible than it would for a healthy person.

Frankly, time is ticking and I'm aware that I need to make a decision about having children. My husband would make a wonderful father: he's patient, caring, comes from a happy caring family. I however, come from an abusive miserable family which extends at least two generations back. I am ill though it wouldn't affect my fertility. I wouldn't miss the holidays, nights out, disposable income. However, when I think about my parents and how much they hated being parents and when I see parents (particularly mothers) out and about with their children and how exhausted and pissed off they look, I think, no thanks.

You do seem to want children. Perhaps you need to investigate your health concerns further. And in my experience, those who worry about being good parents are usually the best at it because they care, which is the main thing.

[springtimevintagedream]

Thank you very much for your thoughtful replies.

One of the things that struck me was that I don't have these same urges many have (or perhaps just very different friends and lifestyle) as we just don't 'do' the boozy lunches and the weekends away or the travel!

That said having children shouldn't be 'because we couldn't think of anything else to do.'

Time isn't massively on my side so it is something that we could do with making a decision on sooner rather than later!

[Titsywoo]

It's tricky really. The things I think I would do if I didn't have children are vast but maybe only because I have children therefore have thought about all the things I have missed out on. I never really wanted kids but had them fairly young (both accidents) so I might have changed my mind. If I could go back I wouldn't change anything though because they have enriched my life so much. But I do often feel the pressure of being tied down by my responsibilities. It doesn't help that dh works long hours though.

[lorelei9here]

I don't do travel either. My friends generally have all the booze at lunch

[Auburn2000]

Well, OH and I were in a similar position to you, and we didn't have children in the end. We realised that we'd made a final decision after we got to spend a lot of time with friends who had two very small DC. Although they were lovely, we realised that we had turned a corner and it wasn't going to happen. But it does sound like you want children more than we did.
If you don't have them, never feel under any obligation to prove anything. I have various friends with DC who might travel more/earn more/have tidier homes/more manicures/better careers/get drunk more than I do. Good for them, it means that we have even more to talk about. It doesn't mean that OH and I are not as caring by comparison. Just that our lives have taken different turns.

[gentlydownthestreamm]

I enjoy having a lot of time to myself, to do the things I love and go the places I want to go - whether that's a weekend away to another country or to afterwork drinks with colleagues or for a wander around town or whatever. I don't think I'd cope well with the loss of personal freedom having a child seems to entail.

But there's one other thing that I particularly enjoy about not having children, so I have to ask: do you have friends who don't have children / aren't likely to? Because what I enjoy most about not having children is my friendships with friends in the same position. I have to say that my friendships with my friends who have had children have inevitably become 'weaker' somehow, than with my childless friends. I guess it's normal as you have less time to dedicate to each other, but even without the time aspect or being able to go out / go away as much, I do feel that some kind of silent barrier comes down between you when one of you has a baby and the other doesn't...things just change on many different levels of your friendship. Conversation, even. I still have some very good friends who have children, don't get me wrong, but it sometimes makes me sad to remember how those friendships used to be and how they are somehow 'weaker' now.

I am pretty sure I don't want to have children, and I am eternally grateful that I have a few good friends who don't/won't either. Since we reached the age where a lot of other people DID start to have children, our bonds seemed to grow stronger somehow, like we are part of a special gang that I love being part of. And the going out when we want, going to the theatre, popping off on weekends away together etc doesn't hurt either!

Disclaimer: I guess what I am not privy to is the aspect of friendships with friends when you BOTH have children, which is probably lovely and I am not dissing my friends who have chosen to have children and would never complain to them about how our friendships have changed.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

gently it does sound lovely. I wish more of our friends didn't have kids, in the nicest possible way. We are almost the only ones of our acquaintance. Even the ones I know had to have IVF etc got their miracle babies in the end, leaving us as the only ones who didn't.

Ah well, we're nearing the age now where some of them will be coming out the other end.

[septembersunshine]

I think my life properly started when I had children.

I feel like I was sleep walking though the start of my life (slightly traumatic childhood/fragmented family) and then I met this beautiful boy when I was 20. It was just a natural progression and to us there was nothing to rival it. We were ready to move on from the freedom of our twenties (with all the restaurants and trips and travelling, lie-ins, cinema - lovely as it was!) and we did.

Don't regret my children or my life or the path we went down. There were hard times with babies/toddlers etc...not much money, stress at times but there were also times when we were both crying with laughter at something hysterical child number 1/2/3 did. The look on my DH face when he's looking at our children - he is so proud. I can't regret what we have created together and it doesn't mean your life is no longer your own, you just have to work harder at craving out time together. I wonder if I'd now be tired of being forever twenty-five if we didn't have kids. I think I would. But that's just me. I don't think with this subject any decision is the wrong decision, it's just about life and how you want to live it.

[Auburn2000]

Septemberat staying forever twenty-five if you don't have children. If only!

[Lottapianos]

and at staying forever 25! Some of us manage to grow up very well even without having children!

[oldlaundbooth]

Go on far flung holidays. Buy expensive property with lots of white furniture. Expensive clothes. Brunches. Long lunches. Art galleries. Getting drunk and sleeping till noon.

Meh.

Not as fun as jumping in puddles with a toddler though.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

See, that's what pisses the child-free off, that lofty and slightly condescending attitude you see, that those who have procreated have more meaningful and fun lives, and everything else is irrelevant.

[HormonalHeap]

I often imagine what it must be like to have a life free of worrying about my children. But you know what? My gorgeous, bubbly, funny dd 18 (who screamed continuously her first 6 months) cooked us all dinner tonight. It doesn't get any better. However had I not had children, I think I would also have been happy.

[Lazyafternoon]

Where do you start?! Being spontaneous, long lunches, going out anywhere anytime without it being a military type mission, eating what you want when you want where you want in peace, peace....

Love my DS dearly and couldn't imagine life without him. But I see the benefits of being an close aunt/ honary aunt/ godparent. Look after them for a day, weekend, even a week if old enough, treat them and spoil them. Then give them back and get some sleep. Out of my 3 sisters (4 girls!) only 2 of us have had kids. The other 2 definitely have nicer holidays and more cats.

[HormonalHeap]

You can travel when they've grown up