To wonder what a children life might bring?

[springtimevintagedream]

DP and I are not yet fully decided on the matter of children.

We both want them dearly but for a variety of reasons have to concede that perhaps it would be unfair, and selfish to have them, as we just couldn't offer them a great upbringing.

Obviously this is hard.

So - trying to think of a life WITHOUT children, what would you do?

The advantages are, we can stay in a small property without a mortgage. We both love animals so a dog / horse are possibles. Saving money isn't as much of a worry due to not having to think about the hundred and one needs of a growing family so we can be selfish with the cash!

What would you do? :)

That sounds like a very cerebral decision based on a lot of what ifs and possibilities.
Positively choosing childlessness is one thing. Trying for a baby who never comes along is another thing. Deciding not to 'in case' for financial reasons which 'might' cause resentment when you have a loving partner and you both want children? Sounds like a recipe for looking back with regret when you no longer have a choice to me. What if the what ifs are the other way round? What if your child thrives from a stable upbringing with non-wealthy (but not on the breadline) parents? What if you don't eat out much or go on foreign holidays? What if children need love more than 'stuff'?

The sleep deprivation is a tiny dot of life. Life changes with children and it isn't always easy. Being a parent has made me much more vulnerable because I love these people so madly. But it's worth it even though we don't eat out much or have swanky holidays. If you decide not to have children please make it a positive choice not because of fears of possibilities and maybes.

Sorry - finances are not the reason, although they are a consideration.

I know lots of couples without children by choice and they seem very free and always out having fun. Meals, little weekends away, more money.

Kids are great if you really want them, if you don't life can also awesome. Sounds like you need to meet more child free friends to enjoy things with.

You will have less wrinkles when you are older as you will have more beauty sleep!

I would have a nicer car, holidays, clothes, manicures etc and of course sleep and random daytime naps at the weekend :) Materialistic things really though.

I will have these things again though one day, once my gorgeous little (currently asleep) children are older

Might need more money for facials then though !

I know quite a lot of childless people. Some couples who chose not to have kids others who just weren't with anyone at the time so never did. Generally they have more holidays and usually less cluttered homes.
It's a personal choice nothing says you have to have children.

Holidays, particularly in term time when flights and accommodation are reasonably priced.
Lovely weekend lie-ins and lazy brunches.
Impromptu trips out, without the need to organise childcare.
Would be able to do my hobbies without feeling guilty (one of them is very time consuming for periods)
Studying again - would love to do a Masters, but children and their commitments and lack of funds due to having children make it impossible now.
I'd also be able to have a calmer life, more opportunity to relax, meditate, and keep my home (and mind) a bit clearer.

"I'd have impromptu nights out that didn't require weeks of planning."

With whom? I'm afraid that the older I get the fewer people I know who would be willing to come for an impromptu night out.

Children need to be safe. They need to be warm, to be fed, to be kept clean, to be kept free from injury, to be responded to when they cry (listened to). If you can cover those bases then you are fit to have and keep kids.
Stuff on top of that - like if you can go racing round the park with them, or pay for the latest gadget - is a nice-to-have but it's not essential.
I'm hearing what you're saying about your situation. If you can meet the basics then please don't feel this isn't something you shouldn't do.

With whom? I'm afraid that the older I get the fewer people I know who would be willing to come for an impromptu night out.

Presumable the poster has a partner? Dh and I like going for impromptu nights out.

I know someone who had been through reproductive cancer and very nearly died, froze eggs etc and had to make this decision... it's a very hard one to make, of course, but I think people are being unfair suggesting there always an alternative to choosing to be childless. Sometimes people make the decision with very good reasons.

This woman I know and her husband are very involved in a particular niche specialism and attend a lot of conferences, have a successful business and they travel a lot. I think the important thing really is to find an alternative purpose, because for a lot of people that's the hole that kids fill. What do you value, what matters to you? Because the hedonistic things that spring to many of our minds may not fulfil those deep needs.. but there are many ways of living a valued life without kids. That's what I would start with - really enquiring deeply into how to live a life that feels vital and vibrant and alive. What that is for you will be very much based on your personality, learning history, available resources and other contexts of your life right now.

Id do the things i did pre-kids:go to the gym, dance classes, college courses, holidays in hotels far aWay rather than caravans driving distance away, buy clothes for myself regularly because i like them, rather than because i really cant keep sewing the holes up, upgrade my car, weekend city breaks, read books, go out to te pub for lunch on a saturday and have a drink or two or three,

I didn't have a child until I was almost 41. I'd spent my entire single/childfree life travelling, going to lots of festivals and gigs a lot, having boozy lunches and dinners, staying up all night to read or watch telly, having flings with inappropriate men, going to the gym every day, eating only for myself, working really hard (changing career a few times), and earning decent money.... I totally planned to carry on doing the same. Working abroad, more travelling, some volunteering abroad too, lots and lots of skiing.

These days I'm exhausted, the career has taken a back step, I'm fat and unfit and I haven't been out of the country for over a year, or on a plane for two years. Hahahaaaaa...

If is concern about genetic health concerns - then maybe better to have rubbish genes than no genes at all (ie never to be born).
If it's due to your own health issues, and the chance that your children would be carers, then maybe look into support for young carers options first, and what alternative options there are.
If it's health issues that will limit what you can do with your kids, then I'd not dismiss having children out of hand: there must be support for people in that situation, find out about it first.

I don't think anyone on this thread can really help with your predicament. What I mean is that we've all made decisions (or not) based on our own circumstances.

Your quality of life might be fulfilled with roller coasters and white water Rapids, but I have no desire to even try that shit. Same with children.

If you hang out on the larger families board you can see some people having a fine time with 5+ children. You could convince yourself it's doable and fun. You could then flick onto the one child board and convince yourself they have the right idea.

It's ok for us to say we'd travel and go to theatres but it means nothing if you gave no desire to ever do that anyway.

What do you enjoy? Whatever it is, well you can do more of it without children.

I always worry my kids will hate me if they don't already. I am told I am a good mom, by my kids and people who know me, but maybe it's part of my own health condition that makes me believe that more.
I suffer from OCD, and as a result, my kids suffer too. Our problems affect our kids and there is only so much we can do to stop that.

I don't know what your health problems are OP, but if you really want a child then speak with your GP about your health because there is A LOT of support for parents with health problems. It doesn't automatically write you off. No child, and I mean NO CHILD has a perfect life, and our problems always affect them but it's how we teach them, prioritise them and shield them. They learn from us and we learn from them.
Why would I do with no kids? Really, I can't answer that. I don't know, because for the last 12 years they have been everything I live for and I wouldn't give it up for the world.
HOWEVER, due to my OCD, I very often regret having children, that i should have never brought them into this world knowing what they will face. These are intrusive thoughts brought on by anxiety and OCD.
I love them so much.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, if you had posted saying "I just don't want children" I would say fair enough, it's not strange. But you clearly do, and you may regret it if you can physically carry a child and decide not to because you don't think you'll be perfecto mom.

I am 50, married for nearly 30 years, child free by choice and have no regrets. We've travelled a lot, moved abroad, have lots of animals, have time for ourselves, friends, hobbies, voluntary charity work - it's great. I see people with young kids and just think 'why would you?'

springtime, I think it is a very good idea to 'coldly' look at all aspects of life with or without children. I sometimes think it would be good thing if more people sat down and did that tbh…

Fwiw here's my tuppence worth from the position of having been married for almost 20 years, 4 children, professional job:
there is no doubt that I would have had a very different career without children, I would have developed some of my various interests a bit more. Travel would have features rather prominently. Some of the problems Dh and I have had a a couple, would not have arisen without children (of course we may have had different ones…).

I see people with young children and just think 'why would you?' and yet I still chose (and was lucky enough) to do it - logic does not come in to it.

I agree with who said, if you want children, research whatever your difficulties would be, but have them or don't have (or rather try for them) depending on what you feel is right for you.
IME children do not resent parents who are not well off or who have a disability or whatever other limitation. They grow up resentful of parents who do not listen, who do not put their needs at the front of how they plan family life and who fail to 'give them roots to grow and wings to fly' as the old chest nut goes.

The fact that you are thinking about this so steely-eyed suggests to me that you would more than 'do' as a parent

Have you talked to your GP in detail? What is their opinion? If they give you a go ahead signal, would you do it?

I think the mantra of Mumsnet is : good enough is good enough .

Everyone is selfish to have children in a way. No one can say they don't have financial/health/relationship/mental health/security (the list goes on and on) issues. We have children because we want them.

But I do think the majority of these things can be overcome. My mother has a severe disability. When she became pregnant with me by accident everyone (including her own mother) told her to abort me, that she wouldn't cope and that I would have a poor quality of life. As it turns out, I couldn't have wished for a more loving, fun and secure childhood. They were all so wrong and if she had listened to them I wouldn't be here, but she kept me because she selfishly wanted me. And obviously I'm grateful for that

For reasons I won't go into I wasn't sure I should have children. But I did because I really wanted them and, as my mum proved, love and security is all children really need.

Obviously not knowing your circumstances I don't wish to belittle you. But just remember no parent is perfect.

If I hadn't wanted children I would probably still be married to my xh [shudder]

On a more positive note, I would be a LOT richer and that does give you huge choices in life. I would be able to work more, and DH might even still be well enough to work - I do think the disruption and broken nights of early childhood really, really affected him or the stress of being married to me However, I would probably still be doing my old work which was a bit crap, rather than the job I retrained for after having ds - having him reshaped my entire world.

We didn't have dc until relatively late (through choice) and we had a very pleasant life. Nice meals out, travel, hobbies, peace and quiet, nice walks, careers and nice house.
The years where the DC take over your life are relatively short. Your friends with dc will be grateful that you can come over to them for the evening!

Look at it another way. Plenty of people with no health issues are TERRIBLE PARENTS - having health issues does not mean that you won't love your children, will look after them and not mistreat them.

Plenty of people who had children go on to acquire health issues that make life difficult but they did not know this would happen and manage as best they can.

No parent is perfect.

I'm 51 and don't have DC. The majority (but not all) of my friends are also without children - for a whole range of reasons. I'd say there are as many differences between childfree women as there are between childed and non childed women. If I look back at myself in my early 20s for instance my life is hugely different today.

I very much agree with the PP who made the point about values. I live my life in a way that is consistent with my values, and as a consequence it is deeply satisfying, interesting and rewarding. I am constantly reading on MN how childless women spend their lives having manicures and dashing off for weekend mini breaks before returning to their immaculately decorated homes, which just makes me chuckle as that's a million miles away from my lifestyle, thanks to four large dogs.

I can't help on the decision whether to have children - in our case the decision was effectively made for us when I had cancer. I can however say that a life without children can be as rich, satisfying and spiritually rewarding as you would wish it to be.

Not rtft so sorry if repeating but there is a great website/network called 'moretolife' (google it)
All about being child free whether through choice or circumstances

Good luck whatever you decide