To wonder what a children life might bring?

[springtimevintagedream]

DP and I are not yet fully decided on the matter of children.

We both want them dearly but for a variety of reasons have to concede that perhaps it would be unfair, and selfish to have them, as we just couldn't offer them a great upbringing.

Obviously this is hard.

So - trying to think of a life WITHOUT children, what would you do?

The advantages are, we can stay in a small property without a mortgage. We both love animals so a dog / horse are possibles. Saving money isn't as much of a worry due to not having to think about the hundred and one needs of a growing family so we can be selfish with the cash!

What would you do? :)

I desperately want children, but am disabled with a genetic condition I would most likely pass on. I've decided I shouldn't have children, because it's a pretty nasty painful condition. So far this decision has been easy as I don't have a partner, so it's hypothetical.

If I'm lucky enough to ever meet anyone, it would then become extremely hard. My only hope is they find the faulty gene so they can test for it and screen it out.

I've wanted children since as long as I can remember, but even taking away the passing it on, I have extreme pain and fatigue and would find motherhood extremely difficult. So I don't know really.

I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life anyway.

So I get the difficulties.

If you cant have children but want them, you can do fundraising to help them instead. Barnados and Action for Young Carers are very hands on and worth supporting, theres also the NSPCC and Child Line.
I dont think I'm going to have any grandchildren so I do this now.

I don't have kids and I'm very happy with my life. I have a huge circle of friends I see several times a week, we are out doing our hobby (mountain biking) all weekend with friends, have lots of weekends away, lots of nights out. Eat out (cheaply!) all weekend and shag and sleep lots.
I love my niece but my sisters life is a lot more sedate now she's a parent and she righty has to devote her time to bedtimes and drop offs and cooking meals. I think a child free life can be very rewarding.

Spot on purpledaisies, the impromptu imaginary nights out I had in mind were with DH.

Having DC absolutely impacts the amount of quality time I have to spend with DH.

(Though also a lot of our friends are yet to have DC so I suppose I might invite them too. )

*If you cant have children but want them, you can do fundraising to help them instead. Barnados and Action for Young Carers are very hands on and worth supporting, theres also the NSPCC and Child Line.
Read your post back. If you can't have children but want them that's a totally different situation to deciding to remain child free. It's a horrible one to come to terms with and suggesting volunteering for a children's charity isn't a very helpful thing to say to someone in such a situation.

When I had children, my own life became kind of unimportant in and of itself. I know that lots of people successfully avoid this state of mind, but I didn't- in fact, I went into it with my eyes open. The things I had been working for took a back seat and were no longer the focus of my life.

This can be a good and/or a bad thing.

Scuttlebutter, what a lovely post. It's so true that not all women with children are the same. And its not always a binary choice between wanting children and not wanting them. I have had periods of wanting children very much but would now describe myself as childfree. I don't recognise the supposed lifestyle of manicures, 5 star holidays and fast cars either!

OP, a huge bloody well done from me for giving this issue so much thought. I wish more people did. Deciding to have children when you're aware of very specific challenges you will face is a huge risk, and taking huge risks is not everybody's cup of tea. Its also totally fine and normal to feel ambivalent about having children - wanting to do it in some ways but also being very realistic about reasons why you shouldn't. It's such a personal decision, good luck with it x

I have a friend who has decided with her dh not to have children. It's a 'head' decision due to his health issues, but they seem to have a very happy and very full life. Occasionally I'm a little jealous, but as I have teenagers we will soon join them in a childfree life, at least on a day to day basis. It will be fun to rediscover our hobbies and interests from pre-children I think.

We have DC but have also done a lot of the things mentioned either before or with DC. It's not a case of have children OR go on holidays/travel/gigs/hobbies/meals out etc. And our DC have always been bed rats so hardly any missed sleep.
Once they get to mid teens you can then start thinking about all the other stuff you want to do once they are independent.

I think fusionconfusion's post is very thoughtful:

I think the important thing really is to find an alternative purpose, because for a lot of people that's the hole that kids fill. What do you value, what matters to you? Because the hedonistic things that spring to many of our minds may not fulfil those deep needs.. but there are many ways of living a valued life without kids. That's what I would start with - really enquiring deeply into how to live a life that feels vital and vibrant and alive. What that is for you will be very much based on your personality, learning history, available resources and other contexts of your life right now.

My 'grandmother' made the decision to be childfree - or relationship free which in the 50s was the same. She lived one of the most amazing, fulfilling lives. She had a career that reflected her values, was an active volunteer, was at Greenham common, studied, had a wide varied circle of friends who she travelled with right into her 70s. And she was so so loved by the families of those friends who had children. She became our grandmother when she supported my mum - who she knew through an activity - through my elder sister's still birth. No 'real' mum / grandmother could have been more loved. She was my mums birth partner when my younger sister was born. We saw her several times a week, every Christmas, birthday, school event. We had sleep overs. She had the time and energy to invest in friendships & so many people loved her.

But I knew her long after the pain of being child free was old news. I can't imagine getting there was easy.

On a practical note an organisation called more to life is for people who ate childfree not by xhoice

My job and mortgage were all in order to accomodate a child(or children). Had dh and I been unable to have our own kids we would have sold up, packed up our jobs and backpacked forever more.

I have had both lives and I prefer the childfree life it has allowed me to do things that never would have been possible when I had my family. But thats a long and complex story.

Namechanging regular. We don't have children through choice. I have always known I didn't really want children. (and before anyone asks why a childless through choice woman is on Mumsnet, I like the Archers board........and many, many others).

One difference I have noticed between us and our friends with children, is that our own relationship is solid and has always been so. Many friend's relationships went through really bad patches when the kids arrived - some fractured completely, and others, my SIL/BIL's included, has never fully recovered.

Posters upthread have mentioned having to find stuff to occupy the childshaped hole in their lives - we've never had this issue, we both work full time and really look forward to our weekends together without having to rush round ferrying kids to sports/music etc. I've also noticed that some friends have been absolutely lost after their kids leave home, because their lives have been taken up with the children for so long.

It's different for us because we have never had any agonising decisions to make with regard to having/being able to have children, but I absolutely love our life and wouldn't change it for anything (selfish )

What do you feel would limit you, and how much? how would it affect things day to day?

What children need most is your love and attention. Most of the other stuff isn't important, or can be covered by other people.

I don't have children - out of choice and I can honestly say it wasn't even a big decision to make. It was just never on my radar. Might sound odd and simplistic but that is the reality.

I am constantly reading on MN how childless women spend their lives having manicures and dashing off for weekend mini breaks before returning to their immaculately decorated homes, which just makes me chuckle as that's a million miles away from my lifestyle, thanks to four large dogs.

Yes, speaking as someone who was childfree by choice until 39, this always annoys me when it's posited as some kind of universal truth - that the childfree live enjoyably but superficially/selfishly, while parents live sedate/busy/less obviously enjoyable lives which are nonetheless terribly meaningful because of their children.

While obviously in some senses having a child involves at times putting someone else's comfort and happiness before your own, and does make you think about the kind of world you are bringing that child into, and how to model goodness and decency and hope for your child erc etc, it has in no sense made me some icon of selfless parenthood or Shami Chakrabarti. I'd be very wary of suggesting that the childfree need to 'replace' the meaning brought by children into the lives of parents by going on some kind of conpensatory quest for some kind of equivalent meaning in their own.

I mean, everyone should try to live a meaningful life that engages them, obviously, but I don't think there should be any more onus on the childfree to find some kind of all-encompassing meaning simply because they're without children.

Great post teacaddy. I don't feel the need to fulfill myself anymore than those without children.

with children

I agonised over this choice due to a very complicated health issue I even contemplated the same lifestyle questions but came back to the deep regret I saw myself having as a older woman if I didn't have a child....

I can honestly say while it has been the hardest thing I have ever done I WOULD never be without my DC it's has been everything I dreamed it would be - with some anxiety provoking days too but for the most part the things I overthought haven't been too much of an issue yet

Good luck xx

I lived a far more unselfish and "worthwhile" life before I had kids. I had a job that really mattered and I gave my all to it - would drop everything and travel half way across the world when needed. I was also, I think, a better friend and support to others as had not just more time, but more head space. I now spend most of my time either on a less directly worthwhile job, or worrying about and looking after two children who by global standards are ridiculously privileged and indulged. I did enjoy impromptu nights out etc. before kids, but that wasn't really the thrust of my life, and I actually feel my life now is far more trivial and unimportant.

"I mean, everyone should try to live a meaningful life that engages them, obviously, but I don't think there should be any more onus on the childfree to find some kind of all-encompassing meaning simply because they're without children."

Well, this was actually my point... we all need to do it, many people with children tend to need to give a lot of their energy for pursuing valued living over to their kids.

It's not that there's a "child shaped hole", it's that we all have a hole that needs to be filled in this way, and in the specific context of the OP who would have liked to have had children, there needs to be some adjustment to living without them. It is of course very different if you never wanted to have children at all and it wasn't on your radar.

And fwiw the same issues arise if you are employed in a sector that goes bust, or find yourself with a disability or change of circumstances that make you reprioritise your values. It's not specific to having kids or not.

All these people saying they'd go for long boozy lunches on Sundays...who would you go WITH? Everyone else is having Sunday roasts with their families. There have been times I've walked past the local pub on Sunday afternoons, seen all the extended families in there and nearly burst into tears from loneliness. Not having children can make you feel very isolated. Families often don't want childless friends crashing their family time.

And I have never had a manicure.