To wonder what a children life might bring?

[springtimevintagedream]

DP and I are not yet fully decided on the matter of children.

We both want them dearly but for a variety of reasons have to concede that perhaps it would be unfair, and selfish to have them, as we just couldn't offer them a great upbringing.

Obviously this is hard.

So - trying to think of a life WITHOUT children, what would you do?

The advantages are, we can stay in a small property without a mortgage. We both love animals so a dog / horse are possibles. Saving money isn't as much of a worry due to not having to think about the hundred and one needs of a growing family so we can be selfish with the cash!

What would you do? :)

[lorelei9here]

You stay 25 if you don't have kids?! I've been HAD!

(actually I wouldn't want to be 25 again, just money struggles at that age)

But what a strange idea...forever young if you don't have kids!

[Lottapianos]

Indeed Sukey. How would parents feel if a childfree person told them they avoided having children as they didn't want to turn into a boring old git? Not my view BTW, just an example

[museumum]

If it makes you feel better.
Things I find hard with children:

Holidays (hate being confined to school holidays, particularly for skiing)

Giving 100% to my career/field. There are so many intellectually stimulating and interesting work related things I could be doing in the 6pm slot when I have to go do the nursery run instead.

Sport. I try to keep up with my running and cycling bug can't do nearly as much as I'd like.

Volunteering - I had to give up running Guides as it's just too much.

[springtimevintagedream]

Well, I am a teacher so that first one doesn't work!

In fact, having children would allow a degree of flexibility as I'd work part time, or on supply possibly.

[Notagainmun]

I love my children, adults now, with all my heart and don't regret having them now that I have, however if I understood before becoming pregnant how I would feel and how vulnerable to heartache that would make me I think I would have remained childless. Their pain is your pain. A mother can only be as happy as her unhappiest child.

[Gwenci]

Do you know what, fuck it. I was greedy and unreasonable with my last post.

Sod boozey lunches and festivals - if I was childfree I'd settle for the much underrated bliss of having a pee without a fucking audience!!!!!!!

[Teacaddy]

It's a completely unanswerable question, OP. For an ordinary 'a lot of people do it a lot of the time' experience (rather than, say, going to Mars or being world famous or something), I can honestly say that in my experience having a child is utterly unguessable-about unless or until you do it yourself. Which is why it's such a difficult question to explore, because you can't know it unless you do it, by which time it's too late to back out (which is of course why you're posting!)

I'd never planned to have a child at all, and was quite content, had lots of frank close friends with children and am the eldest of a big family, so very familiar with other people's relationships with their children/their highs and lows, and the logistics of looking after babies and children. Then I finally decided, after a year or two of dithering with DH, to have a child, and our son was born when I was 39. And while on the one hand I'm exactly the same (careerist, not particularly maternal) person I was, and my priorities have been added to, rather than changed, being a mother 'feels' completely different from the inside to anything I'd imagined beforehand.

And it feels different to how it looks, too, because (as I'm well aware, having been childfree for a hell of a lot longer than I've been a parent), having a child often looks like pure boredom and drudgery from the outside, because all that's visible are the bedtime routines, missed sleep, dashes for childcare pick-ups, and standing resignedly reading a magazine while your toddler tantrums in the frozen food aisle.

Whereas the good stuff is largely invisible. All my siblings are childfree by choice and my sisters in particular make no bones about how they feel sorry for me, which is annoying, but probably entirely understandable. It does often look like that. Sometimes it also feels like that, but it's far from the whole story, and the whole story is weirdly difficult to communicate because it's both mystical and desperately cliched.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it's a leap of faith, however carefully-researched and considered. And that I'm absolutely certain that, unless something very fundamental had changed in me, my life without a child would have gone on being interesting and fulfilling, like my sisters' lives.

[forkhandles4candles]

The childfree people I know...and there are a lot ...have lots of holidays. Hobbies and do volunteering.

[LoopiusMaximus]

I adore my boys but if we were child free, I'd do all the things I can no longer do which I took for granted:

SLEEP (I survive on 2-3 hours a night)

Lie in on weekends

Laze about in pj's watching shit TV

Have Perfect hair, nails and tan

Drink coffee in peace 'till my hearts content. I've yet to finish a single cup in over 2 years

Dinner parties, nights out, lazy lunches, beer gardens - anything alcohol and food related

Retrain as a nurse or midwife

SAVE SAVE SAVE. I frittered my earnings away on crap pre children

Travel - everywhere and anywhere

Blast music as loud as the speakers will allow

[claraschu]

Beautiful post Teacaddy

[Spandexpants007]

What are your reasons for not having children?

There's never a perfect moment or perfect financial situation to have kids.

[wannabestressfree]

I had my first child when I left school so have never been without children. They are now older and I am rediscovering me and what I like as an adult. Making plans, travel etc it's exciting. :) I wouldn't be without them but it's been hard graft.

[Yeahsure]

I agree with Teacaddy that from the outside having kids looks like endless drudgery, exhaustion, irritation.

From the inside it's also that - but with so much love for them it makes it all worthwhile.

Not that I'm advocating having children, why would I or anyone? It's such a personal decision and I certainly don't think it odd or sad if someone is childfree!

I wanted my own kids from being a kid myself and wouldn't have felt whole without them - but ironically now that I am a mother (well I have been for 19 years) I can totally imagine a satisfying, rich, happy life without having children. And yes the worry and vulnerability it brings never, ever goes.

[Yeahsure]

Oh also my career took after I had kids.

I'm not sure what that says about me!

I suddenly felt way more focused on work when I returned from ML and loved the challenge, loved having something that was all mine and felt really ambitious.

[Yeahsure]

Career took off

[nokidshere]

I come from a very large family, it was inconceivable that I wouldn't have children. It was expected by everyone. I had never even considered the possibility that I would be child free.

Then at 22 I was told I couldn't have any, even with medical intervention. We had to totally rethink our future and it took us a very long time to come to terms with it. There were benefits though after the tears.
We had time to be us, to travel, to plan early retirement and a move abroad. I was able to enjoy my nieces & nephews without the stress of responsibility and, gradually we carved out a fulfilling lifestyle for ourselves.

Then, at 40, I fell pregnant. I was distraught at first. I was too old, we were set up and had plans etc after 18 years of wanting children I even (fleetingly) considered a termination. I felt that our peace of mind had been shattered.

Thankfully we loved parenthood and were astounded but delighted when I fell pregnant again at 43. But I can't pretend it was easy - the first 5 years were exhausting beyond belief and many a time I found myself wishing for our child free years back and feeling hard done too that all our plans had been "for nothing".

Now 17 years later my boys are preparing for their own lives and getting ready to leave home. They need me less and We have lots of free time again as a couple. And, whilst I am feeling a touch bereft at the thought of them not being here I am excited again for the plans we are making together.

Fulfilment is a personal thing, having been on both sides of parenting/childless I think that once you have made a decision and come to terms with it you will naturally find a way of life that you can live with.

I have serious arthritis that limits my mobility and causes constant pain, sometimes it has restricted what I am/was able to do with my children. But the sheer joy of having them outweighs everything else for me even if I sometimes feel a yearning for those child free days of long lunches, weekends away, being able to spend lots of ubinteruppted time together and having a disposable income.

Good luck to you OP whatever you decide

[Foxedme]

Oh the holidays... Spontaneous trips to anywhere!
Not having to go to restaurants that provide crayons,
Drinking in the daytime!
Concerts and nights out/away without having to worry about babysitters,
Not being so forgetful...

But dear lord I wouldn't be able to cope without my three, they are just the best.

[mrsrobayo]

@waterrat 100% agree

[Xocaraic]

My parents should have stopped with one child but they had three. The financial struggle was real and the rows and
squabbling about money were awful to hear late at night as a child. My Dad was gone to work before we woke and still at work when we were going to bed Mon-Fri. He also worked all day Sat and on Sunday mornings. So my Mother had to deal with all the bills and phone calls and school requests alone. She did not cope well.
Also, it's difficult to fully love if you are wondering what Bill you can not pay this month, your electricity bill, gas bill will be by definition bigger next month.
Alll this talk of loving your children is great. But sometimes the love that is there is overshadowed by poverty and every knock on the door brings fear to your heart.
It has made me terrified of being poor.
So if you already worry about money, I would think hard about how this will translate to any possible children.

[diamond457]

Well if I hadn't have had children i would have worked abroad in several countries related to my career. But it's all ifs and buts and not a reality.
I would spend more time socialising down the pub.
I would probably be a rubbish cook if it weren't for having a child and making myself learn.
I would go on holiday more. My dream was seeing the big five in their natural habitat and visiting Dubai and Paris.
I would spend more on clothes and beauty and take care of my figure.

The cons of having children

Huge impact on my social life, basically no social life.
Not as much money therefore less to spend on keeping myself trendy and fashionable, less money for expensive highlights and makeup. Less money for hobbies.
Lots more housework, washing and tidying up daily.
Massive impact on my career.

In saying all those things I wouldn't give up what I have with dd I love her far more than any of those things I want. I cherish her and she is my world.

Pros

Getting to shape your children's childhood and 're love all the favourite parts of your childhood.

Feeling immensely proud of your children's achievments and seeing them thrive and develop passions, watching them reach milestones.

Becoming a more family orientated person who values family and family time. Sunday dinners, family walks, Xmas is so much more magical. Days out and educational trips.

Most importantly the unconditional love you feel for your children that you can't even describe.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Most importantly the unconditional love you feel for your children that you can't even describe

See, people blithely talk about that as though it's a given and absolutely automatic. I don't think that's true. My mum tried her best, I guess, but I never got the feeling she loved us unconditionally. A lot of the time it felt like she only liked us if we were reflecting well on her at that given moment in time. Her default position was that we were a pain in the neck and restricting her life.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I wouldn't have any. obviously I love my kids now they are here etc but it'd hard, tiring and unappreciated mostly. A child free life would be peaceful haha.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

Oh if I didn't have them I'd be travelling the world. having lots of sex. enjoying my body more as it wouldnt of been ravished by pregnancy and child birth and breastfeeding. Lots of lovely peaceful holidays with lots of alcohol and long lies. Lovely dinner's, nights out, boozy afternoons. Own a gorgeous non child friendly apartment. Own loads of lovely clothes, shoes and bags with the money saved.

[Ragwort]

Agree with Sukey - it is not 'unconditional love' for everyone, I find bring a parent the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, in my rational moments I know I should have remained 'childfree' as I was for 12 years until DH persuaded me to change my mind. I know that I made a conscious decision to become pregnant (although I hoped in my 40s it might not happen!!). My dearest friend just loves being a parent, it is 'everything' to her, but to me it is not, it restricts what I do massively - and I am not talking holidays, night clubbing, spending money or anything like that. .

As Exasperated says, being a parent is so unappreciated, if my DH treated me the way my DS behaves I would be divorced by now - why do we have to 'accept' such horrible treatment from teenage children? .

[Ragwort]

diamond - I so disagree with your comments, esp. about Christmas - as a Christian I loved Christmas before DC - celebrating in Church, the true meaning of Christmas, helping at 'Crisis at Christmas', lovely meals with good friends, that sort of thing, cathedral services, then it became a massive consumer filled 'fest' toy filled house with children.