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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do :( Child benefit

134 replies

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 13:50

Just got a letter from HMRC to say that OH is having a charge added to his income tax because I claim child benefit (sahm to 3 children, 1 not in school yet with no other help from the government at all) and he earned over 50k

I really have no idea how I will get by if we cancel the child benefit, last year it was around 2.5k I was paid by child benefit and the charge they are making to OH is £750. He earned 53k so 3k over the limit :(

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for. I can't ask him to do more!! I feel awful about it but how the hell can I continue, We aren't struggling but I am sometimes! I know its bad but my gut instinct is to hide the letter. I know thats silly because he IS going to find out but I am so worried. Its not like we go on holidays or drive flash cars. Is anybody going ahead and just claiming CB and paying the charge or am I going to have to lose the only "income" I have?!

OP posts:
Katenka · 04/03/2016 13:52

Why do you feel you can't ask him?

Is that because of him or you?

I know when I first went on mat leave I felt I was taking dhs money. Which was ridiculous. We are a family and the money is joint.

If it's because of him, there are bigger problems.

Sirzy · 04/03/2016 13:54

It sounds like you need to sit down and discuss things with your husband and you need to stop seeing it as "his money" and "your money" and have it as the household budget.

Artandco · 04/03/2016 13:54

But that £53k should be family income between two adults and the three children. You shouldn't have to be asking him for money for food or bills

Fairylea · 04/03/2016 13:55

Eh? Surely if you're a sahm then all money / income is family money and you should have the same spending money as your husband. It shouldn't be him paying the charge as such but just family income. Your way of thinking of it all seems a bit odd to me to be honest. Child benefit shouldn't be the only income you have - you should be sharing all family income and having the same spending money as your dh.

RudeElf · 04/03/2016 13:56

Sorry what?? You are hiding this from your husband? Why? Confused surely all money is family money and it means you both have to tighten the purse strings a bit?

Tfoot75 · 04/03/2016 13:57

Why would you cancel the CB, if you receive £2.5k but will effectively pay back £750? You're still receiving a net £1.75k? Or have I misunderstood? Agree it's family income though!!

longdiling · 04/03/2016 13:57

If you're not struggling as a household then you shouldn't be struggling personally. How have you ended up in a situation where you have no money op?

neddle · 04/03/2016 13:58

I don't see the problem - you keep the cb and your dh loses £14 of his £1k a week income.

writingonthewall · 04/03/2016 13:58

It's all your money. You provide full time childcare which would cost him a fortune. His income is yours - otherwise you go back to work and he pays half the childcare from his income.

Ginmakesitallok · 04/03/2016 13:59

He earns £53k, and all you have is child benefit?? Fucking hell!

KirstyJC · 04/03/2016 14:00

You shouldn't have to feel grateful for the fact your husband (who's on a very good wage) pays for his family. Does he feel grateful that he doesn't have to pay for childcare for 3 kids?

Do you have any money for you? How can you say the family isn't struggling but you are - it should be one and the same.

This sounds very worrying - he should be bending over backwards to make sure you are all equal financially. Why doesn't he?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 14:00

No I'm not hiding it, the letter came about 10 mins before I started this post and hes at work.
I don't know why we see it as his and mine. I guess because he goes out an earns it and pays for pretty much everything I just feel really guilty to ask him for even more. He's not the easiest of people, he is much more careful with money than I am tbh which has worked in the past but he's not violent or anything.

OP posts:
molyholy · 04/03/2016 14:00

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for

Why are you 'grateful'? You are his family. They are his children too. And he may have 'earned' £50k, but he could only do that because you are a SAHM and there are no childcare fees.

Primaryteach87 · 04/03/2016 14:01

I also find the concept of separate money hard to fathom. How are you buying clothes and shoes and essentials for yourself at the moment? It sounds like a very hard set up for you. OH is doing well out of this!

mamaslatts · 04/03/2016 14:01

Are they his children? In which case why do you feel guilty for government policy?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 14:02

I dont know how I have ended up like this. I used to work before the children. I don't know anybody here who could help with them and I don't want to cause trouble in my marriage. I don't even know why I posted I was just hoping someone else had been through this? sorry :(

OP posts:
YakTriangle · 04/03/2016 14:03

He's earning 53K a year and you are struggling for money? He sounds financially abusive.

RandomMess · 04/03/2016 14:03
Confused

He can only go out and earn "his" money as you provide all the childcare and domestic house running! If you went out to work and he had to pay for a nanny, cleaner etc. he'd be worse off!

Runningupthathill82 · 04/03/2016 14:03

Something is very seriously wrong with the financial arrangements in your household if you have an income of double the national average wage - yet you have "no idea how you will get by" due to changes to child benefit.

Why will you struggle if the mortgage and bills and food are already accounted for? And why do you see the £53K as "his" money? It's household money.

This is nuts, OP. How did it come about?!

KirstyJC · 04/03/2016 14:03

He doesn't have to be violent for it to be abuse.

molyholy · 04/03/2016 14:04

But why would you cause trouble in your marriage? Does this go deeper than you 'losing chb? Are you scared of hime or something?

BloodyPlantagenets · 04/03/2016 14:04

This is why the child benefit cap was a terrible idea that mainly hurts women.

mamaslatts · 04/03/2016 14:05

You sound so stressed, anxious and frightened by this. He must be a very difficult man. Flowers

Why would it cause problems in your marriage? You have done nothing wrong

KirstyJC · 04/03/2016 14:06

You shouldn't feel that asking him about money is going to cause trouble in the marriage. If I had a financial question for DH I would just say "Hey DH we need to talk about money" and we would sit down and talk it through. If you can't do that, you have problems.

I also think you will, sadly, find many other people who have been in this situation. Financial abuse seems to be more common that you would think. Sad

longdiling · 04/03/2016 14:07

You have nothing to apologise for op. We're asking you about your situation because it's unusual. While you are raising your joint kids your dh's salary should be regarded as joint too. What would happen if you raised this with him?

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