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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do :( Child benefit

134 replies

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 13:50

Just got a letter from HMRC to say that OH is having a charge added to his income tax because I claim child benefit (sahm to 3 children, 1 not in school yet with no other help from the government at all) and he earned over 50k

I really have no idea how I will get by if we cancel the child benefit, last year it was around 2.5k I was paid by child benefit and the charge they are making to OH is £750. He earned 53k so 3k over the limit :(

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for. I can't ask him to do more!! I feel awful about it but how the hell can I continue, We aren't struggling but I am sometimes! I know its bad but my gut instinct is to hide the letter. I know thats silly because he IS going to find out but I am so worried. Its not like we go on holidays or drive flash cars. Is anybody going ahead and just claiming CB and paying the charge or am I going to have to lose the only "income" I have?!

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 04/03/2016 18:39

If he needs to be in control of the finances because you're not great then that's one thing, but saying he paid to replace the bald tyres on your car as an example of him being good or reasonable is nuts - that's not a normal perspective.

BabyGanoush · 04/03/2016 18:39

Starfish, that was very perceptive of you

Kennington · 04/03/2016 18:40

He will need to pay this tax bill or cancer the CB otherwise it will just accumulate and get worse. Have had friends in the same position.
I am sorry for your stresses - do you have the option to switch to. 0% credit card instead? This will give you a period of grace.

aintnothinbutagstring · 04/03/2016 18:40

How much are in debt are you in at the moment OP? I really don't think it is a good idea to keep this from your DH, its not healthy. Are you using CB for this debt and that's why this letter is stressing you out so much?

DinosaursRoar · 04/03/2016 18:41

oh seen your last post - OP - I have met several woman who at first glance I thought their DP/H was being financialy abusive, then after a bit, it came clear that their pride was stopping them getting a fair share, their DH/P's didn't even realise the situation!

Tell him about the debt, if you aren't working, how on earth do you expect to pay your own way?

You haven't switched the mindset from being 2 individuals with their own incomes sharing a house to the mindset of being a partnership - you need to if you are going to cope as a SAHM.

And yes, he might be pissed off about the debt, but if you've been keeping it from him for a long time, he has right ot be annoyed - if you ran up the debts before you had your DC1 and you have 2 DCs that are school age, how old is this debt you're keeping from him? In his position, I wouldn't be annoyed at the debt itself, I'd be annoyed about it being hidden for a long time. Rip the plaster off.

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 18:43

To be honest I don't know the exact amount left outstanding but yes the CB was being used to pay it. I am going to sign up to a credit check website tonight and get everything on paper so I can show him. I really like not having a crap atmosphere so I am dreading this especially over the weekend. I might wimp out and wait until Monday :(

OP posts:
Parker231 · 04/03/2016 18:44

It sounds like you would be better using savings to clear your debts and then start afresh. Perhaps you should go back to work and establish a career - this might help your self esteem and you'd be contributing financially

DinosaursRoar · 04/03/2016 18:49

No, do it this weekend, when you've both got time to talk, look stuff up, make calls, get paperwork together etc. If you tell him on Monday (evening?) he's got to try to sort this around work on Tuesday.

Get this done. Tell him about the CB letter, explain about the debt and that you've been using the CB to pay for it. He has a right to be upset, it's upsetting to be side swiped by your DP who's been keeping secrets from you - but that won't last, it's important you don't try to blame him, and let him be upset if he needs to be.

You sound a bit childish about it, trying to hide the bad thing and pushing your DH into a parenting role with you, rather than a partner role.

Joeperrysguitar · 04/03/2016 18:59

OP, your post reads that he 'offered' to put new tyres on your car. Surely it shouldn't even need a discussion. However if I have misinterpreted your post I apologise.

Ackvavit · 04/03/2016 19:00

Being pissed off with the charge is ridiculous. He must read the news and realise his income exceeds the amount permissible. Annoyingly I have a family member plus partner who cleverly, slyly, imho, ensure declared earnings each are £38k each.

DeoGratias · 04/03/2016 19:29

In answer to the question in the first post - yes I claim the child benefit and then pay it all back each year when I pay my tax. Carry on doing that if you prefer. Why not? In fact that's the most sensible thing to do if you aren't sure if in particular years your family income will be over the limit or not.

Stillwishihadabs · 04/03/2016 19:30

I think that there is a bit a misaprehation on here that because OP's DH earns 53k, after mortgage and bills he has plenty of spare cash ( one poster talked about 1,000 a week!) 53k after pension, NI and tax is 2,700 per month. OP says they have an extension, 2 cars and 3 DC. Their mortgage could easily be 1500 , utilities 300, council tax 200, which leaves 700 of which he already transfers say 500 to OP for food, leaving him 200 for all personal expenses including travel. It's not a king's ransom and I would expect to have to be quite careful on 53k.

Shantotto · 04/03/2016 19:31

You said you were paying for the food shop on a credit card. Was that because you didn't have enough money to pay for it? Was your DH expecting you to cover it out of child benefit seeing as he then transferred money to pay for it?

If you are a SAHM why wasn't he paying in the first place?

Stillwishihadabs · 04/03/2016 19:32

Mad spell check misapprehension.

stealthkick · 04/03/2016 19:40

Op does your dh know you claim the CB? Are you worried that when he finds out he will be cross that you've hidden income from him?

I never told my first husband that CB existed, just brushed over it. He was physically, emotionally and financially abusive and in the current situation (he was a high earner) if have been crapping myself.

AnneElliott · 04/03/2016 19:44

Op the CB issue can be sorted. I earn about £53k but I never pay any CB back as my self assessment removed my pension and charity payments which brings it down.

However you do need to talk to him about it.

redskytonight · 04/03/2016 19:45

OP - what do you actually have to pay out of the CB? It sounds like DH covers everything essential and its' really just your discretionary spending. And tbh £50 a week is quite a decent amount to have to spend on your self. DH may earn £53K but unless there's loads going into savings (and tbh if he's a contractor he ought to be putting money into savings to cover the times when jobs dry up) it doesn't sound like there is huge amounts of spare cash floating about that he is denying you access to.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 19:49

He doesn't know about all the debt?

See op, this is where it all goes wrong. You haven't really admitted your mistake or faced up to it. You are still hiding things.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 04/03/2016 19:52

Reverse this into "my DH doesn't work, racked up £13k of debt and wants free access to my earnings, AIBU to say no" and almost every post would agree he shouldn't be able to freely spend.

If all the bills are paid and you have money from him and CB then he is being sensible and in now way financially abusive.

It sounds like you need to return to work and seek help for your spending.

sunnyawry · 04/03/2016 19:54

I'm going to put my hand up and say I'm in a similar situation and these replies are making me think. I used to receive CB but my husband insisted I opted out as soon as he went above 60k, he said he would transfer the equivalent £80pm to my account which is still ongoing. I am not SAHM but earn very little and am currently on maternity leave only getting statutory pay. Most of that goes into our joint account as my contribution to the bills.
Can someone clarify the link between the pension/NI and claiming CB? I have not claimed at all for my second child, will this affect anything re my pension or getting her 'in the system' herself?
Sorry OP good luck with the chat. I know what you mean about not knowing how this came about.

PommelandCantle · 04/03/2016 19:57

Child benefit is for the benefit of the children not to pay off old debt. If it is being reduced you need to talk it through with your husband. My DH sounds similar to yours and I was a spendthrift before I stopped work. I am now a SAHM as circumstance made that the best option. Plus I really really wanted to be a SAHM. Honesty is the best policy. Yes he may shout, but disclose your full debt and the impact reduced CB will have on you. In my head DH money is his because he earns it, however it never crossed his mind that he would have to tell me it was ok for me to buy clothes or get my hair done. He assumed within reason I would take the money. I couldn't as it wasn't mine. So he now gives me money just for me every month in my own account. We have a joint account where all our monthly living expenses come out of, he puts a set amount to another account for holidays and whatever is left is his. Financial worries are the outs for everyone. Don't leave your DH thinking he can't trust you. Good luck and hope you get it sorted.

OOAOML · 04/03/2016 19:59

Claiming child benefit gives you NI contributions which will come in handy if there's still a state pension when you retire. And I hope he increased the £80 to cover child benefit for your second child.

OOAOML · 04/03/2016 20:01

Should have said that message was for Sunny

sunnyawry · 04/03/2016 20:02

No he hasn't. I'm thinking I might need to start my own thread rather than gate crash as it's similar issues but I don't have any debt.

PommelandCantle · 04/03/2016 20:06

Sunny, if you are registered for CB, even if you don't get it, your NI will be paid until your child is 16. So register your second child so they carry on paying for you. It might be till 18 if in full time education.