Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do :( Child benefit

134 replies

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 13:50

Just got a letter from HMRC to say that OH is having a charge added to his income tax because I claim child benefit (sahm to 3 children, 1 not in school yet with no other help from the government at all) and he earned over 50k

I really have no idea how I will get by if we cancel the child benefit, last year it was around 2.5k I was paid by child benefit and the charge they are making to OH is £750. He earned 53k so 3k over the limit :(

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for. I can't ask him to do more!! I feel awful about it but how the hell can I continue, We aren't struggling but I am sometimes! I know its bad but my gut instinct is to hide the letter. I know thats silly because he IS going to find out but I am so worried. Its not like we go on holidays or drive flash cars. Is anybody going ahead and just claiming CB and paying the charge or am I going to have to lose the only "income" I have?!

OP posts:
Whatdoidohelp · 04/03/2016 14:08

This is financial abuse. You are a family. What he earns is for the family to enable you to stay at home and look after the children.

How on earth did you get into this situation?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 14:11

I had credit cards which I am still paying back. At the time it was ok (I was working and could easily cover it) but obviously things have changed. We both know I am a spender so at some point I just let him take over the household bills etc since I could never afford to pay anyway.
Yes he does have a lot more money than me but he doesn't spend anything on himself, it goes on house repairs (and last month my car repairs and service which is maybe why I feel so badly about it) and things the children need. It sounds like I am making excuses for him but I really don't know how else to put it.

OP posts:
Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 14:12

I don't honestly know what he would say but he would be peed off with the charge.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 04/03/2016 14:13

He will need to find out about it as he will need to register for self assessment and pay back a proportion of the child benefit that you have received. Don't opt out as its only worth doing that if he earns over £60K.

We see all money as family money even though it is only dh that works.

19lottie82 · 04/03/2016 14:14

Pissed off with the charge? Or pissed off with you?

meditrina · 04/03/2016 14:14

For this specific issue, you do nothing. Do not cancel the Child Benefit, as it is clawed back on a sliding scale. It makes no financial sense whatsoever until someone in your household exceeds the top of that scale. Also CB gives you a National Insurance credit (until the youngest is 12), and it is important that you do not forego that.

As you are opening his post (it must be his, as HMRC would not write to you about his tax affairs), then you have presumably got some idea of family finances. But I think you do need to talk together about your joint finances, because it sounds as if you've fallen by default into seeing him as in control because he is the one who has the earned income.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 04/03/2016 14:14

OP, you have a home and children together (presumably - and even if the dc weren't his, you are adults living together, a degree of responsibility should be his). You're a team. In some family teams one partner earns the money, in others both earn similar or differing proportions - it should all be team money, family money, because non-earning partners make a contribution too. I'm sure you do a lot of the housework, the childcare, the family admin.

I hope the posts so far on this thread can help you see it is odd for you to be worrying about finances and feeling guilty when your dh/p is on such a good salary. It sounds as if he has been giving you ideas/grief about what's yours and, more to the point, his Sad

I don't get my/your money setups in committed relationships - although I appreciate there are situations in which couples make it work, those involve absolute fairness on both sides - that doesn't sound like it's happening here.

dementedpixie · 04/03/2016 14:15

And I don't even get child benefit as dh earns too much so I am not bringing any money into the house. I am there for the kids though when dh goes out before 6am in the morning and doesn't get back until 8pm ish at night.

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 14:15

Pissed off with the charge? Or pissed off with you?

both?

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 04/03/2016 14:17

Lots of women get into this situation when they either:
-feel guilty discussing money when they don't 'earn' it so partner assumes all is ok (may have parent model where dad gave mum some money for bills and she had to ask for any 'extra')
-or have a partner who is controlling

Don't apologise op.

These days it is considered fair to share finances and both have an equal amount of money left over after bills paid. It recognises that your work at home is equal in value to his paid work. Is it possible for you to discuss this fairer arrangement?

Artandco · 04/03/2016 14:17

I think you should sit down with him this even as talk about the money issue

What you need really is the bulk in a joint account. Then a seperate account for Him and you privately so you have money for frivolous stuff without discussing

Then from joint account you can both see how much is in there and make decisions on what to spend on the house, excursions, children etc

My children cost a fortune frankly some weeks with school events, new clothing needed, parties attending, travel costs to go somewhere, food etc. You can t be expected to be asking him every time x needs a new coat, or y needs a school trip paid for.

dementedpixie · 04/03/2016 14:22

Why would he be pissed off with you for a charge you have no control over?

ProfGrammaticus · 04/03/2016 14:22

Won't he already know? It's been well publicised that those earning over £50k won't qualify any more.

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 14:23

I can see crystal clear that our situation isn't as normal as maybe I had presumed :( I don't see him agreeing to a joint account at all. He does see it as his money and then our money I guess. I do ask him for money for specific things, I couldn't just say "can you put £500 in my account this week" he would want to know what I was spending it on.

OP posts:
SouthWesterlyWinds · 04/03/2016 14:23

There are ways to get his 53k under the threshold. Additional pension payments, childcare vouchers etc. it can be done so there's your practical answer, but what you really need to look at is why this dependent relationship has started.

"I'm a spender" - no. You used to be a spender. Now you're a SAHP who is probably spending more on the children and their activities than yourself. When was the last time you spent money on clothes for yourself? Excuse the bluntness but you sound very scared by this situation and worried about your husbands reaction. Your OP doesn't come across as a happy one am afraid.

"I still have credit cards in paying back" - with what? Your allowance? If your husband is so careful with money, he would have made sure that the cards were paid off already with the family lonely as opposed to paying interest on them each month.

I was a SAHP. My DH earns but it is family money. We are both very clear about that. You may not want to do so but you do need to sit down and talk about financials and family money. Not an imbalance of a little allowance and a huge amount of perspnal money for the bread maker to spend on themselves.

dementedpixie · 04/03/2016 14:25

Between £50-£60K you still qualify but you pay back proportion of it before losin all of it at £60K. I opted out of the payment as dh earns over £60K. Under £60K you should still take the payment.

mamaslatts · 04/03/2016 14:25

I claim CB for our 3 dc even though all of this is claimed back from DH. I advise you to do the same. It just means should your situation change, DH loses his job or whatever, you are not trying to go through a new claim, particularly with all the changes that are brought in

DarylDixonsDarlin · 04/03/2016 14:25

I really dislike that on MN, if one partner is 'in control' of the finances he (and it nearly.always I he) is a financial abuser...jeez some people are so quick to jump to it?!

OP your situation sounds similar to mine, and isn't necessarily wrong just cos some people on the internet say so Hmm if it works for you both then great. Meditrina is right, you shouldn't stop claiming. he can pay the charge and deal with it, its just another household bill. If he kicks off about it then yes you might be in a financially abusive situation, but at least see what he says first. He's bring painted in a bad light without even having had a chance to give you his thoughts on it yet!

blindsider · 04/03/2016 14:27

We both know I am a spender

There is your problem!! which is why you don't want to ask him for more.

dementedpixie · 04/03/2016 14:27

The op doesn't sound as if it works for them though and she is on here scared of his reaction to the letter.

IcingandSlicing · 04/03/2016 14:28

In they haven't change something this year, between 50k to 60k income you are still entitled to child benefit (you are entitled after 60k as well but have to pay it back in taxes so I see no point in it).
Over 50k your husband will have to file a tax return (self assessment form) and they will deduct 10% of the child benefir for each £1,000 between 50 and 60k.
So if he is at 53k that is 30% less in child benefit that you may need to pay back, or ehatever arrangements you agree on.
If you are not sure call the child benefit help line.

AugustaFinkNottle · 04/03/2016 14:31

Why do you feel bad about him paying for repairs to your car? I assume you need it to take the children around?

NanaNina · 04/03/2016 14:33

You are a SAHM getting CB for three children and DH earns in excess of 50K "and no other help from the government.......!" What precisely do you think you should get from taxpayers?

I don't think this is an issue about finances - more an issue about your marriage. You sound like you are living in the 1950s..........couldn't believe that you are grateful that DH puts money in your account for food every week. Are you aware that full time nursery care for under 3's is £36 a day (with 15 hours free in the term after they are 3) Before school clubs are £80 per week and slightly less for after school clubs. Look what you're saving by being a SAHM.

NerrSnerr · 04/03/2016 14:33

Daryl have you read the OP's posts? It doesn't sound like it's working as she is worried about telling him and when asked if he'll be angry at her or the letter she said both!

OP- you need to sit down with him and have an open discussion about money. I am a spender too so my husband manages our money but I have access to funds because it is half mine! I am more careful now but it took a while.

Catphrase · 04/03/2016 14:34

As a previous poster says dont cancel it, you'll lose your NI contribution which you need

You giving up work enables his work to be unhindered with sick days, appointments and general household stuff. I also bet you do the majority of housework on top of the childcare. Do you do the cooking & shopping too?

He goes to work and doesn't have to give brain space to those things. You save 'him' a fortune, not to mention the stress
You shouldn't feel guilty at all.