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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not know what to do :( Child benefit

134 replies

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 13:50

Just got a letter from HMRC to say that OH is having a charge added to his income tax because I claim child benefit (sahm to 3 children, 1 not in school yet with no other help from the government at all) and he earned over 50k

I really have no idea how I will get by if we cancel the child benefit, last year it was around 2.5k I was paid by child benefit and the charge they are making to OH is £750. He earned 53k so 3k over the limit :(

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for. I can't ask him to do more!! I feel awful about it but how the hell can I continue, We aren't struggling but I am sometimes! I know its bad but my gut instinct is to hide the letter. I know thats silly because he IS going to find out but I am so worried. Its not like we go on holidays or drive flash cars. Is anybody going ahead and just claiming CB and paying the charge or am I going to have to lose the only "income" I have?!

OP posts:

thatstoast · 04/03/2016 17:26

Op's DH earns too much for them to qualify for marriage allowance.

Before we had children DH and I had completely separate finances but as soon as I went on maternity leave we sorted out a joint account.

It's not fair on you to have to constantly ask for money.

starfishmummy · 04/03/2016 17:39

Picking up on things like "I'm a spender", "paying back credit cards" and the fact that the family seem to be having problems managing on their 53k income, I do wonder if the OP has or has had a serious spending problem and that the husband (who is being maligned) is in fact trying to keep a lid on it.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 17:41

starfish I was thinking the same

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 17:46

No I don't think I had or have a serious problem. I think at one point it was 13k (credit cards and a catalogue) which I know isn't a small amount but it wasn't in the 100s of thousands or anything. I was diagnosed with depression before I had my son and I kind of self medicated with credit cards before I was treated if that makes sense. I am now paying for it of course.

OP posts:

thatstoast · 04/03/2016 17:48

I was thinking that the OP might have credit cards as she doesn't have a fair share of family income.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/03/2016 17:48

That child benefit protects your state pension.

Keep it.

thatstoast · 04/03/2016 17:49

Awkward cross post.

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 17:59

Thatstoast tbh you are probably half right. At the time I was putting the weekly food shop on my credit card (yes I know how stupid that was) and trying to start a business from home so that I could be a bit self sufficient at least. I screwed it up.

It didn't take long to amass and it ended with me having a meltdown at the GP and telling my husband that I had considered jumping off a car park. That was the first time he looked at me like I was a liability, then when I told him what I had stupidly done he told me he would transfer the money for the food shop (the only thing I had previously been responsible for) into my account each month if that would be enough to stop me worrying.

We have just had an extension done which I guess could be why he has been tighter than usual over the last year or two, hes not an ogre but we differ in opinion when it comes to spending. For example he would prefer a maximum 3 present rule when it comes to childrens presents for birthday/christmas and I love to spoil them. I grew up without money (like no electricity in the meter so we slept under coats and ate sausages because thats what I could afford sort of no money) whereas his family have always been comfortable.

my word, I just read that back. feel free to join my pity party!!

OP posts:

thatstoast · 04/03/2016 18:03

Are you still depressed at the moment? Martin Lewis is starting an organisation which will look at the intersection between mental health and money management. It's a very real problem.

If DH gave you unlimited access to his salary do you think you would overspend?

ILoveTFIFriday · 04/03/2016 18:06

You need to keep receiving the Child Benefit as it means your National Insurance will be paid for you until your youngest child is 12. I take it, my other half pays the tax on the bit over the 50 grand.
No, 50 grand doesn't go far in some parts of the country. Not when southern house prices are approx £500,000 for a 3 bed semi!

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 18:07

I think I am headed that way to be honest. Nowhere near as bad as I was but I know I need to make a change now before the door shuts behind me.

I don't think I would want to touch it at all, the idea of helping myself to money he has gone to work for just seems so alien. I get that its normal for others.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/03/2016 18:08

Financially there is absolutely no benefit to your family to cancelling CB in order to avoid the charge. So if he really is as good with money as you claim, this shouldn't be a question.

If he wants to be really savvy he should consider cutting his work back so he doesn't earn over 50K and taking over some child care so you can start earning some money - since you'll still get CB and pay no high income child benefit tax charge if you are both earning

Katenka · 04/03/2016 18:09

What steps have to taken to control this yourself.

I can see why your dh wants to be in charge of the money and tanger what you need.

But at some point you have to trust yourself and he has trust you to start being sensible with money.

At the moment you aren't learning because you just don't have it.

Tbh if dh racked up 13k in debt I would be considering doing the same as you dh did.

HermioneWeasley · 04/03/2016 18:14

I just wanted to counter the comment that if one partner has control of the finances then its financial abuse.

I "control" our finances. DW just isn't interested. My IFA thinks she's a figment of my imagination because in 10 years, she's never met her. If I ever try to engage her in a conversation she just says "do I need to worry?" and since the answer is always "no" she just says she'll leave it to me.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 18:19

I think I am headed that way to be honest. Nowhere near as bad as I was but I know I need to make a change now before the door shuts behind me.

have you had any counselling for this. Depression and spending.

I grew up piss poor and understand how you feel. Spending did make me feel better. It's one of the reasons dh and I have always had our own money as well as a joint account. I have never got into tons of debt for it.

But eventually, as the kids older I can see they don't need so much. That buying. Expensive make up doesn't make me feel better in the long run.

Regarding the Christmas and birthday rule. You and your dh need to compromise and meet in the middle. It's difficult for someone to understand if they have always had money. But compromise is the way forward.

aintnothinbutagstring · 04/03/2016 18:19

Are you still in debt now? If so, how is that getting paid off? Hoping you're not in situation where you're relying on CB to make minimum repayments on your debt.

Also, was you working when you were responsible for the food shopping bill?

Parker231 · 04/03/2016 18:25

I find situations like this really sad - we're in 2016 but a grown women has to rely on minimum 'pocket money' from her DH. How do you live a life like this - what happens when you want a new outfit for a special night out with friends. Do you worry that you can't buy a round of drinks or get a taxi home?

Joeperrysguitar · 04/03/2016 18:26

Just saw that he 'offered to put new tyres on your car as they were an advisory'. Seriously? He earns £53k and he would let his wife drive his children in a car in winter with tyres that are barely legal? Have you seen the difference in breaking distances between tyres with full tread and that which are advisory? You are both bu and dangerous.

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 18:28

I don't have any friends locally so that's never come up. Neither of us go out socially, just don't know anyone here. There are no toddler groups except one that I go to but I haven't managed to make friends here. He commutes 2 hours a day so he doesn't know anyone here either.

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/03/2016 18:29

You need to keep receiving the Child Benefit as it means your National Insurance will be paid for you until your youngest child is 12.

No you don't! You only need to register for CB but can opt out of receiving the payments and still get ni credit towards your pension . However if like op , income could vary up to 60k, it is financially better to continue to receive the payments and repay any over payment by the SA tax return in the January following the end of the financial year in April.

Op, does your dh know about the debt? It would be far better if he has any spare income or savings to pay it off asap, especially while interest rates on savings are so low. The accumulating interest will be far more costly than any savings might generate.

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 18:29

joeperrysguitar why were we both bu? we were told about the tyres and he said change them there and then because they were unsafe??

OP posts:

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 18:31

He knows about some of it. I couldn't face telling him about the rest. He did offer to pay it off and did pay some of it but I do feel like I should get my shit together and be able to pay my own way and take responsibility for myself. I hate relying on him.

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/03/2016 18:36

But you are a partnership. Accept his offer to pay it off, you will never be able to address it yourself and it is better overall to do so.

DinosaursRoar · 04/03/2016 18:36

The car thing does sound to me like he sees the car cost as "family bill" even though you think you should be grateful because you see it as "my bill that he paid".

Have a chat, he probably just hadn't thought about it but won't be upset at all, it could be an opener for you talk though all the bills etc. Do you know how much they all are if he pays everything? Does he know how much your debts still are at?

It does seem you would be happier if you were earning too - even if in the short term that means you end up slightly worse off overall.

Original poster

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 18:39

The car thing does sound to me like he sees the car cost as "family bill" even though you think you should be grateful because you see it as "my bill that he paid".

I think this is exactly it x

OP posts:

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