AIBU to not know what to do :( Child benefit

[waffilyversati1e]

Just got a letter from HMRC to say that OH is having a charge added to his income tax because I claim child benefit (sahm to 3 children, 1 not in school yet with no other help from the government at all) and he earned over 50k

I really have no idea how I will get by if we cancel the child benefit, last year it was around 2.5k I was paid by child benefit and the charge they are making to OH is £750. He earned 53k so 3k over the limit :(

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for. I can't ask him to do more!! I feel awful about it but how the hell can I continue, We aren't struggling but I am sometimes! I know its bad but my gut instinct is to hide the letter. I know thats silly because he IS going to find out but I am so worried. Its not like we go on holidays or drive flash cars. Is anybody going ahead and just claiming CB and paying the charge or am I going to have to lose the only "income" I have?!

Since 2010 you are no longer eligible to child benefit if your joint income is over £50k it has been well publicised. If you have claimed since then you may be asked to give back the money. You can google it if you need more info.

I first thought from your OP that you were divorced.

What is this set-up where he earns 53k ,and all you get is CB, and YOU have to pay food for all the family (which he "kindly" gives you).

What does he do with "his" money?

How can yo be hard up whilst he has 53k?

Surely ALL the money (his income, CB, any other income) is your joint income as a family????

it works for the most part in that our mortgage and bills and food are paid and if I need something he will pay for it (my car is a good example. The bill was £200 for the MOT and service and he offered to put new tyres on too as they were an advisory, I wouldn't have been able to afford that) so he does see it as "our" money to an extent. He has always been more careful than me so it seemed a good idea to just let him carry on and it has been ok. I think I am just going to show him the letter (I didn't open it, our 18mnth old got to it first) and just say that I can't afford to lose the £192 a month so either we claim it or he put it into my account if he doesn't want the charge. I think it still benefits us to claim it because they only want back £750 of 2.5k but hes a contractor so I am not sure if his wages will be the same this year. I think thats what he would worry about.

Hi Waff, do you mean you don't have access to anything but child benefit? (which I assume goes into your account?) you don't have access to DH wage at all?
And you have to raise 3 kids on that and H has 53k all to himself to decide what it goes on? If you need anything you have to ask and feel guilty about it?
You don't have him pay the mortgage and bills, he covers the housing costs and bills as he is the earner and your job is sahm providing childcare which would cost a bomb if you didn't do it! family money covers the cost to keep your family housed, warm and fed, it isn't his or yours but shared or should be.
And he certainly should not be getting pissed off at you.
He must have thousands in the bank, that is a huge amount of money, to me anyway.
I hope you can get the situation resolved, it's really not fair

Having one parent stay at home only works if both treat the finances as family money and not belonging to the one in paid employment. I earn less than my husband and we plan for me to work less in the future but our money is still joint and spent as needed.

OP, in just to share my experience with you, my DP last year earned a great deal more than £50k. However even tho I work I still claim CB, he now has to pay this back 'on account' eg in advance plus interest!!

He grumbles about this but we have discussed the issue and as he earned approximately 6x my salary, and also more importantly claiming CB protect my right to NI and pension in the future, should I find myself unable to work, we decided we would leave the status quo. The government actually makes a small profit out of us but I still feel as we are not married and he is the one who will eventually have a very good pension, saving etc, that it is my prerogative to claim this as it is CHILD benefit.

I would just sit down with your DP and explain you have had this letter, and use it as a platform to discuss the finances in more general terms.

There are several issues here.

The 'his' and 'hers' when it comes to money. Is the main one.

That's not ok.

You say you are a spender, how bad is that?

You have taken steps to to stop this?

If so its time for a new start. This can't continue.

Just trying to get a feel for what's going on here.

I have been in a similar iish situation. The only way is sit down with your DH and realise (both of yu) that there is your money/his money but family money especially as you are a SAHM.
It's normal for the money he earns to be used for the morgage and the food etc...
It's not normsl you feel you have to participate financially if you don't/;can't work.

What worked for us is to make DH account as a joint account. And to look at a budget for the whole family, so looking at how much iot coist for food, petrol etc etc.
Then have some sort of allowances for each of you where you know you can spend xx on clothes/makeup/hobbies/whatever take your fancy.
It took some time for DH not to see the money as 'his' money and for me to see the joint account money as my money too. But that's the only way you can have a fair enough system

are you married to him?
can you go back to work? there must be childminders etc near by.

how kind of him to pay for new tyres so your car was roadworthy... why do you keep seeing what he does as something wonderful/kind/magnanimous when it is for you and your joint DC benefit?

In marriage I am a strong believer that you have to be absolute equals on every level including financial. If one of you earns less than the other it creates problems. Setup a joint account and both of your money goes in there and you both choose together what to do with it. You not having much income of your own because you chose to raise the kids isnt fair.

Hang on ... OP may "only" get the child benefit but what does she have to pay for out of that? OP pays for the mortgage, bills and food and things like her car MOT. If the 2.5K is just things for herself, then it's actually quite a decent amount of money ...

I'm afraid I don't get it... to me YABU in panicing.
You are partners, live together, have children together and yet you're worrying about telling him that a letter came through about child benefit?!

TBH he probably already knows - it was really widely publicised in the news when they changed child benefit a while ago, so if you earn over a certain amount and claim child benefit you have to fill out a tax return and pay some of it back.

YOU aren't asking him to give you £750.... it's just the way the system works. Don't hide the letter - leave it open on the side, show him and grumble about it etc, 'it's a stupid way of doing it don't you think' type conversation, but it's not your problem. If he deals with the finances let him sort it out.

...unless the real issue is you are worried about not getting that bit child benefit of money into your own bank account any more? You quiet like having a bit of money that hasn't come from your OH? I understand that!! I'm a SAHM with no income of my own. I don't even get child benefit into my bank account. It took a while to get used to buying a new pair of jeans out the joint account, or asking DH for some money so I can pay for a hen do, or getting teased about ANOTHER £3 in a coffee shop...! He tells me when money is looking a bit tight and will try and gently ask I take it easy on the credit card for the rest of the month. Significant issues like money (particularly when it's all shared) really need to be out in the open in my opinion.

I too liked having money that was my own. It's one of the reasons I have always worked.

As stupid as it sounds I did feel bad. He didn't. Dh has always treated it as our money.

Now we both work together running our own company and get paid exactly the same so it's not an issue anymore.

If he is a self employed contractor he'll already know he'll have to pay some child benefit back, surely?
Who does his accounts?

Hi OP.

I am also quite concerned about how scared or wary you seem to be to tell your OH about this letter.

It's all very well for one partner to take control of the majority of the finances when the other partner has a tendency to overspend. That's fine, sensible even.

However, having one partner earning £53k per year and keeping the entirety of that, whilst the other attempts to scrape by getting household necessities on £192 per month is something else.

It sounds very much as though you will still be better off financially as a couple by continuing to claim CB, and having the £750 for the year charged back.

I don't understand why your OH would be so angry, annoyed, pissed off about that? I really don't.

I think if my OH was treating his salary as his and all you have access to is child benefit I would be going back to work particularly as 2 of your children are in school. If you are a SAHM your husbands salary should be family income as they are his children too. You sound as if you are grateful he is paying the mortgage and bills and they are his bills too. You need to discuss this with him.

As someone who was in a marriage where money was used as a method of control (even when I was earning too) and intimidation I would strongly urge you to find a way of resolving this with your OH.

Counselling if necessary - although he might resent spending the money, it's cheaper than a divorce.

Being fearful to mention a charge which is in no way your fault and just part of the system to the person you spend your life with is no way to exist.

I feel for you.
Px

Since 2010 you are no longer eligible to child benefit if your joint income is over £50k it has been well publicised. If you have claimed since then you may be asked to give back the money.

This is incorrect. The changes to CB were introduced in 2013/14 and apply not to joint income but where one adult earns more than £50k a year. I'm only now looking into this as my salary will be £50k from April and personally, although I knew about the £50k rule had no idea about the sliding scale tax charge.

I wouldn't say that having my own money is important to me (I don't consider it mine, it's family income) but I do consider not being financially reliant on another person to be quite important. Your dh believes it's his money op, and he's made you believe he's benevolent for paying the mortgage and bills while you yourself contribute nothing. While I will stop short of calling him financially abusive, his compass is very skewed and definitely needs re-setting. I find it alarming that you've considered hiding the letter - it proves that you are exceptionally uncomfortable discussing family finances with him. That isn't good.

If he is not far over 50k it won't be the full amount you received that he needs to repay. Continue to claim the payment and he will need to complete an annual tax return to compensate for any overpayment. If he makes pension or charitable contributions these may be offset against his income and could put you below the threshold again. Meanwhile you need to discuss how you can jointly manage your collective income and outgoings. Will you be returning to work at any point? Tbh I'm surprised this has only come up now as the changes have been effective for several years and he would have received reminders for each year once he has started to earn over 50k.

It is a myth about the ni. As long as you have registered the children for CB you continue to get ni credits whether you receive CB payment or opt out. It is also irrelevant whose account the payment goes into, either partner earns over 50k the same rules apply. If your h is a contractor with a potentially variable income , self assessment tax return each year will ensure that any CB repayment due takes this into account.

I agree with what everyone else has said that you should have access to the family income too. If not, perhaps you should invoice him for childcare.

Another thing: does he pay money into a pension because I am fairly sure that pension contributions are not taxable income. So, if he pays £3.5k into his pension pot, he should avoid the £750 charge because this will pull his income back down under the £50k limit.

I guess he was under the threshold until now. He would certainly have said something had he had to pay previously.

I trust him, I really do. The situation sounds worse on paper than it feels day to day which sounds silly but its true. I am really not a mouse usually.

I know our home is being paid for and that he puts money into savings to pay for things for us (he never buys clothes or goes out so its not like hes wasting money while I have none) but I know I need to earn more if I want to feel less like the weakest link. I was just so hoping to be able to spend time with our son (last baby) before he has to go and grow up, I guess man up and get on with it.

My husband is an accountant. He's naturally very careful with money (read a bit tight) but all the money goes into one account. It's ours not mine or his. Yes he does most of the household finances. But the money is there to do as I see fit. I Find it unusual that you have to almost go begging for money. Unless you're off out buying a mulberry bag, having haircuts most weeks and have a spending addiction beyond reasonable he's controlling you by money.

This is absolute madness OP. I know it well though because my parents did it like you. My dad paid for big things but mum had to get into debt to pay for our clothes etc as the allowance he gave wasn't enough. You are one unit! All money is shared money in a family. You are performing a valuable role as a SAHM.

Just as a thought has he looked at the new marriage allowance - you could transfer some of your unused tax allowance to him so that he pays less tax - might be worth checking out and at the same time as the bad news deliver some good??