AIBU to not know what to do :( Child benefit

[waffilyversati1e]

Just got a letter from HMRC to say that OH is having a charge added to his income tax because I claim child benefit (sahm to 3 children, 1 not in school yet with no other help from the government at all) and he earned over 50k

I really have no idea how I will get by if we cancel the child benefit, last year it was around 2.5k I was paid by child benefit and the charge they are making to OH is £750. He earned 53k so 3k over the limit :(

I already have OH pay the mortgage, bills and put money into my account each month to pay for the food shopping which I am grateful for. I can't ask him to do more!! I feel awful about it but how the hell can I continue, We aren't struggling but I am sometimes! I know its bad but my gut instinct is to hide the letter. I know thats silly because he IS going to find out but I am so worried. Its not like we go on holidays or drive flash cars. Is anybody going ahead and just claiming CB and paying the charge or am I going to have to lose the only "income" I have?!

NI is only credited until the youngest child reaches the age of 12 not 16

See here for more information www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits/eligibility

You need to "claim" the CB for NI reasons, but can choose whether or not you actually get it paid to you.

Regardless of your issues with finances in the past, the fact he is raking in £53K and you're expected - by him and by yourself - to cope with CB, and you're struggling by your own admission before this cut back, shows massive issues. Nothing in the relationship dynamic you've described sounds safe, loving and equal.

You need to find a way to talk to him, and his reaction will direct you to how progress tbh.

On top of that you need to speak to you GP.

Thank you for the NI information

As someone else up thread said I'm not really surprised he dosent give you complete access to money given you ran up 13k of debt. Sounds like he isn't financially abusive, just sounds like he looks after the pennies. I think you need to be more open with him about your debt and the other bits and pieces you mention.

£53k isn't s massive salary though especially when your contracting, I wonder if he puts anything away for his pension, insurance etc. It might be worth him getting some financial advice to make sure he is taken care of in the event of illness and for when he gets older because if he can't work what would happen to your family?

Op , have you ever broached the subject of the amount he transfers not being enough? Presumably he believes you are managing on it, unless you have unexpected costs like the car. I'm wondering if you feel somehow that you don't deserve to have responsibility for more than this as you haven't "earned" it, possibly tied in with your past MH issues.

You need to get over thinking that the £53k is his money. When I was a SAHM, our biggest concern was if I became incapacitated in any way and couldn't look after our three DC. There was no way we could afford any outside help. How far would the £53k go if you couldn't look after the children yourself? Don't under-value your input to the family. It can't all be calculated in ££.

That's a pretty hefty card bill. My dp did the same and in found it pretty hard to trust him with money. I think u have lots of guilt around this debt and feel u don't deserve dh help as u did this yourself. Time to women up and realise u can only solve this together - he dh has saved money to pay it off or transfer it so it's cheaper to pay off then do it.

I understand this too - you have your habits, an established system for managing joint finances and you fail to realise it needs a serious rethink if you stop working - easily done.
My DP is 'tight' - he grew up extremely poor, finds it hard to spend money. When we first lived together we split the bills then I had DD1 (accident) and we carried on splitting everything. Except he found it hard to pay even bills -so I would pay them and he would give me half back, usually after needing to be asked more than once.
Then I became a SAHM originally just for a short while, for a break (end of contract) - he worked 90+ hr weeks and I had been working FT, doing ALL the house and childcare stuff and he really couldn't take time off - so covering holidays and illness was all down to me too, no family or friends nearby. On top of that I did his accounts, his payroll and admin.

But I carried on paying my half (I had savings, some interest etc and our living expenses aren't a lot). Then thought it was the best time for another DC...even then I was still paying half. And he was saving and I was cutting back and spending my savings. And I couldn't really go back to work - it would have to be FT (impossible to get PT) and I would still have to juggle too much.
The final straw was he sold his business ....then talked about 'his money' He had never paid me for all his admin, the fact he worked such long hours was the reason I'd given up working (and I realised that when I was working I was going to bed after him and getting up before him) and I'd paid the (small) mortgage off so he was living rent free...
I realised I should have MUG tattooed on my forehead!

We ended up going to couple counselling about it.
Because he can be so tight I knew he would query every penny I spent (and I'm pretty frugal). So I worked out what would be the bills etc for a year, took into account how much he earned, CB etc and asked for him to set up a standing order for a reasonable amount. He pays for his car, clothes, personal things (gym membership etc) and still has left over money. I pay all the household bills, food, things for dcs, my car, holidays, maintenance, birthdays, Christmas ...once his money hits my account it is MY money to do with what I like. I now have a very part time job and it pays for the basics for me. The only time I would ask for more money would be if we had some major work to do - a new kitchen etc.