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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow DD to see her dad?

134 replies

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:09

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I'm in desperate need of some advice! :(

ExH and I, have a 6 year old DD; I have her in the week and he has her at the weekend. She has been going there for 6 months now and things have been working out great :) he has always loved her to bits and it's not him I'm particularly concerned about - he has been chatting to people on the internet; it's his life, he can do what he wants. However, when DD goes to stay, he invites them over for the night... Not happy about that at all and I told him that I won't take her, if you keep doing it - he did it again, but explained that DD was in bed asleep... I've started to notice a lot of new things with DD - she cries and begs me not to take her to her dad's and it made me think "what the fuck have one of them strangers done to my child", but then I asked her why and she goes "Daddy isn't nice", I do wonder if it's just her trying to get out of the longish car journey, but I didn't dismiss it completely... I then walked in on her taken pictures of her genitals and that was it, I was far from comfortable allowing her to go, but who could possibly be the problem ExH, or these strangers? Oh, please help :( my family think I'm being unfair anyway, so I really can't talk to them about this...

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 26/01/2016 12:10

I would definitely get to the bottom of why she was taking pictures of herself before she stayed over at his house again.

Chillyegg · 26/01/2016 12:11

I haven't got expert advice but no I would not let my child go somewhere they begged me to not take them. Yanbu

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2016 12:13

I think you should tell her Dad all of this and ask him what he thinks/for an explanation.

Maybe also discuss with her as to why she was taking the photos or why she doesn't want to go when she used to enjoy going to see her Dad.

Perhaps you can let him have her for a day not an overnight whilst you're deciding

Fourormore · 26/01/2016 12:13

If you think there is something seriously wrong, contact social services.

From your post it seems you've taken some random bits of jigsaw puzzle and put them in a very worrying picture. It seems like a big jump to conclusion to me.

ChampaleSocialist · 26/01/2016 12:14

If she is begging you not to go, stop the visits and get help for both of you.
The photos are another problem. Either of these on on their own would be enough.
YANBU. Flowers

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:14

Yes, it probably is a big jump to a very wrong conclusion, but it's very hard to dismiss it

OP posts:
Katenka · 26/01/2016 12:15

What reason did she give for taking photos of her genitals?

StayWithMe · 26/01/2016 12:15

Oh OP. I think you need some professional advice with this. Reading that has made me feel very uncomfortable. I think you need to stop your daughter going until you get to the bottom of this. What did she say when you saw what she was doing?

ChampaleSocialist · 26/01/2016 12:16

Better safe than sorry.
I also wouldnt be at all happy about him having sex with strangers with her staying, but thats yest another issue.

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:16

She didn't say anything, like it was just a normal thing to do - I appreciate she's young, so it could just be that, but I didn't like it at all, not one bit.

OP posts:
Crazypetlady · 26/01/2016 12:16

How is she taking pictures? On a family camera? Or her own phone? If it was her own phone etc I would be checking that.

pudcat · 26/01/2016 12:17

Can you check her phone to see if there are any more photos and if she has sent them to anyone. You need to contact SS and keep your child at home this weekend, if necessary say she she ill.

Fourormore · 26/01/2016 12:17

Distress about transitioning between homes is normal. Absolutely normal. There's a really helpful story called Little Mary Switcher that you can google to give a bit more understanding.

The pictures of her genitals are slightly more concerning but honestly, I think body curiosity at that age is also normal. Was she using the photos to look rather than looking in a mirror, perhaps?

I would dismiss it but I wouldn't leap straight to "and now I'll temporality sever my child's relationship with their father" either.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 12:18

That is extremely worrying, I would contact SS/Police. There are a lot of red flags here, yes the pieces can join to creat a bigger more sinister picture, please don't dismiss your dd cries for help, as that is what they may well be.

Fourormore · 26/01/2016 12:18

Wouldnt* dismiss it

AnotherTimeMaybe · 26/01/2016 12:18

Her taking pictures might mean nothing (they are curious at that age aren't they) but you definitely have to find out why she did it? It's a bit odd that she doesn't want to go there, surely shed love to see daddy
All these aside though, I would have a serious issue with people staying overnight, strangers really that your ex even doesn't know well!!

StayWithMe · 26/01/2016 12:19

random bits of jigsaw puzzle and put them in a very worrying picture.

I actually think it's more like the OP is starting to put the pieces of a puzzle together. Abused children do not wear a sign, so it's up to the adults in their lives to pick up on the 'random bits' and see if things add up.

Indeed, it may be perfectly innocent and she may just have been curious, but you need to have a gentle chat with her and get to the bottom of this.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/01/2016 12:20

No way on earth would I let my children go to him until I got to the bottom of what's going on. I have 5 &7 yr old girls - it wouldn't cross their minds to take photos of their genitals. Very worrying.

Katenka · 26/01/2016 12:21

It's very difficult because it could be completely innocent.

Body curiosity and anxiety going to another house can be entirely normal.

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:21

No, she doesn't have her own phone, it's a kid's camera type thing, she doesn't even know how to see the pictures after, so that's why I'm slowly thinking it can't be out of curiosity, but I'm probably jumping to very big conclusions, I know that and I would hate for her relationship to get destroyed, but I feel like it slowly is anyway... The fact she hates going there... Yes, I'm very unhappy about the stranger situation... I have no clue who they are

OP posts:
StayWithMe · 26/01/2016 12:22

P.s. People can appear lovely bug have a darker side to them. Those dangerous to children don't tend to look like the imagined creepy old man, but can be the lovely grand dad next door or in rarer cases the favourite female teacher. Please don't think that you should become paranoid about everyone, but just be very good at listening to your children and take note of any strange changed in behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 12:23

Exactly, dad inviting random strangers to house whilst dd is there, continues whiles op has told him to stop, her sudden change of behaviour towards dad and going to her fathers, and now her takining pictures of her private areas. Very concerning, she is just a child, who needs you to speak and act for her. You do need professional help with this. Can you also get NSPCC pants information about keeping private areas private to speak to her about.

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:25

Yes! I have seen their Pants campaign, I must show that to her. Goodness me, this is horrible... I just want to do the right thing

OP posts:
Throwingshade · 26/01/2016 12:25

Really Four?

You do know sexual abuse is a real thing don't you?

I'd be worried sick OP and would take advice immediately.

Thanks
Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 12:27

Your dd comes first right now, op, not her father. Yes it's one thing to have curiosity about her privates, but she is using a camera to take photos, mabey to show, or acting out what she sees at her dads mabey. You need to be contacting SS op!

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