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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow DD to see her dad?

134 replies

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:09

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I'm in desperate need of some advice! :(

ExH and I, have a 6 year old DD; I have her in the week and he has her at the weekend. She has been going there for 6 months now and things have been working out great :) he has always loved her to bits and it's not him I'm particularly concerned about - he has been chatting to people on the internet; it's his life, he can do what he wants. However, when DD goes to stay, he invites them over for the night... Not happy about that at all and I told him that I won't take her, if you keep doing it - he did it again, but explained that DD was in bed asleep... I've started to notice a lot of new things with DD - she cries and begs me not to take her to her dad's and it made me think "what the fuck have one of them strangers done to my child", but then I asked her why and she goes "Daddy isn't nice", I do wonder if it's just her trying to get out of the longish car journey, but I didn't dismiss it completely... I then walked in on her taken pictures of her genitals and that was it, I was far from comfortable allowing her to go, but who could possibly be the problem ExH, or these strangers? Oh, please help :( my family think I'm being unfair anyway, so I really can't talk to them about this...

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 26/01/2016 13:03

don't forget nspcc is anonymous so don't fear taking that step

CaptainMerryweather · 26/01/2016 13:05

If you don't feel that you can call NSPCC or Social Services, you could call Parent Line which is now called Family Lives

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 13:06

He could well be lying about who is in the house and dd being fast asleep.

MintyBojingles · 26/01/2016 13:09

Nothing is your fault - you were acting in good faith, but you need to contact professionals ASAP and you need to be careful about asking her leading questions - whatever is going on you need to get the facts, not the panic scenarios you can think off, and not some false answer she might give to cover up or get you off your back.

I defiantly wouldn't send her round for the night till its cleared up. Any chance of him meeting her somewhere more public?

I truly hope it's nothing, but I would be very worried too.

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2016 13:09

I don't think speculating about what may or may not have happened is helpful here. OP has been given good advice - maybe we should let her follow it without whipping up a frenzy.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 13:10

Yes that is why this needs to be put in the hands of the professionals.

liz70 · 26/01/2016 13:11

OP, nobody is to blame for abuse but the abuser. I understand your feeling terrible but - if there is something suspect going on - it isn't your fault for letting your DD stay at her father's. You weren't to know.

You now need to be strong for your DD's sake and get help to find out what, if anything is going on. I have to say with three DDs, the youngest six, myself, what you've posted here would alarm me too.

You can't tackle this without help and support from professionals. Please make that call. Better this turn out be unfounded fears than your DD go unprotected.

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 13:13

I think it might be easier to say she is unwell, than saying he can take her out, but not for the weekend

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 26/01/2016 13:14

OP, I really think you should speak to NSPCC before worrying about what you're going to say to her dad. One step at a time. They will advise.

Valentine2 · 26/01/2016 13:16

Stop the visits right away and discuss with social services. Tell him she does not want to come but don't tell him the reason yet. Can they do some kind of surveillance of this man and his house? Could be there is a fecking paedophile in making?
May be I am also making a big jump but I have seen that over the years, instincts should be taken into account. OP knows her daughter and knows what's an "abnormal" behaviour for her DD. So I say you go with your instincts and protect her. Get it all on record and then he should be checked.

MeridianB · 26/01/2016 13:16

OP, is he hosting the same friends each time or are these complete strangers he meets online on a Saturday night who then come over and stay at his?

Either way, isn't it something he could do on one of the many other nights when he doesn't have his 6-year-old daughter there?!!! The fact that he wants any strangers in his home when his daughter is there is odd but then to lie about it to you.....

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 13:21

I will, I'll contact them shortly.

He works in the week and says it's impossible for him to see them then - they're different people each time and I did have a massive talk about all that, but it obviously didn't sink in

OP posts:
AlisonWunderland · 26/01/2016 13:23

Your ex is well within his rights to have a series of hook ups with random internet women, but he really should not be arranging these dates on the same evenings as his DD stays over

AgathaF · 26/01/2016 13:24

You have instincts for a reason. Right now, those instincts are telling you that something is wrong. You don't know what, but that is ok. You need to act on what you know - that something is wrong.

Please discuss this with NSPCC, Childline or SS. They are there to give support and advice, so use them for just exactly that.

There is no point in making excuses for your DD not staying with her dad. At some point you will run out of excuses and what then? You will have to then take action. So why wait? Do it now.

Your DD is telling you in the only way she can at the moment, that something is wrong and that she doesn't want to stay with her dad. It may be that she has woken up, got out of bed, and witnessed inappropriate behaviours, and she is now copying that (the photos) to try to make sense of it in her own mind. Whatever it is though, please act and keep her safe.

MeridianB · 26/01/2016 13:25

Are they only women or are they mixed/groups? If he's entertaining, is he also getting drunk?

Does he usually have your DD on Friday nights?

Whether it didn't sink it or he just disregarded it, he is not putting your daughter first, so it's understandle you want her to stop going until you can find out more.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 26/01/2016 13:27

I don't think speculating about what may or may not have happened is helpful here. OP has been given good advice - maybe we should let her follow it without whipping up a frenzy.

I agree

ItchyArmpits · 26/01/2016 13:28

www.ceop.police.uk/

Please contact them. Your instincts might be wrong, but what if they're right?

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 13:28

They're women, I don't know of any men that have gone around there... I don't think he gets drunk, I bloody hope not. She gets dropped off Friday night and collected Sunday

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 13:28
  1. Why are these people coming to his house? If it's his time with dd then it's a bit weird to have a protocol of seeing other random people at the exact same time.
  1. If he is having a new sexual relationship (or several) then that should not be taking place while his dd is there, IMO.
  1. Is the contact court ordered? If not then you are able to prevent it at least until this is sorted out.

I would speak to your GP about it. Then it's documented that there's a serious (potentially, anyway) issue and if it does come to a court situation then you can prove you didn't act for no reason.

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 13:30

No, his visits aren't court ordered

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 13:33

Then I would do exactly as your daughter wants. You can be clear with him, don't mention the photo thing, just say she doesn't want to come, or she isn't feeling up to it, or she says you aren't nice to her.

That's what I would do anyway but I don't know your Exh and what's most likely to be effective and keep things calm.

Vikkijayne2507 · 26/01/2016 13:34

social services defo, its needs to be looked into

Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 13:34

I mean you could say can we give it a few weeks as she isn't happy about it at the moment - and then re-assess?

ArcheryAnnie · 26/01/2016 13:36

WinterBaby you've done exactly the right thing in paying attention to what your DD is telling you and showing you, and in seeking help.

Like other people here, I think your first stop is the NSPCC - they are trained to know what to do in these circs.

NSPCC 0808 800 5000

Good luck.

Psychmumma · 26/01/2016 13:38

Definitely listen to your daughter. She isn't happy and she's telling you so. Be prepared to take the rap from your ex, but do protect her until you have got to the bottom of it.

The weekend socialising / entertaining randoms is completely inappropriate- he won't listen to you telling him that but will a family court or social worker.

Perhaps an arrangement of every other weekend would suit everybody better, if there isn't anything sinister occurring.

Stay strong, OP.