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AIBU?

AIBU to not allow DD to see her dad?

134 replies

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:09

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I'm in desperate need of some advice! :(

ExH and I, have a 6 year old DD; I have her in the week and he has her at the weekend. She has been going there for 6 months now and things have been working out great :) he has always loved her to bits and it's not him I'm particularly concerned about - he has been chatting to people on the internet; it's his life, he can do what he wants. However, when DD goes to stay, he invites them over for the night... Not happy about that at all and I told him that I won't take her, if you keep doing it - he did it again, but explained that DD was in bed asleep... I've started to notice a lot of new things with DD - she cries and begs me not to take her to her dad's and it made me think "what the fuck have one of them strangers done to my child", but then I asked her why and she goes "Daddy isn't nice", I do wonder if it's just her trying to get out of the longish car journey, but I didn't dismiss it completely... I then walked in on her taken pictures of her genitals and that was it, I was far from comfortable allowing her to go, but who could possibly be the problem ExH, or these strangers? Oh, please help :( my family think I'm being unfair anyway, so I really can't talk to them about this...

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AnotherTimeMaybe · 26/01/2016 12:29

anxiety going to another house can be entirely normal.

But it's not just another house.. It's her daddy's... Why wouldn't she wanna go there? Even if it has nothing to do with abuse OP must find out what's happening... Are these strangers being loud?abnoxious? Has anyone said anything to her? It's odd and OP is right to worry

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:31

I have tried speaking to her about it, but she says she doesn't want to talk and she's fed up with all the questions... I will try again, but I don't want her to go against me

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BarbarianMum · 26/01/2016 12:33

You can't "just" stop contact with her dad but you can stop contact whilst you try and find out what is going on. It could be very serious or nothing at all, but you can't ignore it.

I'd suggest you get some expert advice from the NSPCC about how to proceed.

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2016 12:35

X Post

If she's starting to clam up, please stop questioning her (for now) and get some advice from an agency that deals with child protection.

pudcat · 26/01/2016 12:35

I have tried speaking to her about it, but she says she doesn't want to talk I wonder why. You really do need some professional advice.

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:36

This was at the weekend, I questioned her, she is at school right now and thank you, I will look into getting some expert advice

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Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 12:36

She may not be able to talk to you about it due to her age, mabey upset, often pieces of the puzzle fit together to form a bigger more complete picture that you cannot ignore. Yes it is entirely possible that if you send her back to dads, you are sending her to be abused

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:37

I'm in absolute tears

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ricketytickety · 26/01/2016 12:38

You need a 3rd party to talk to about this. Call the NSPCC anonymously and get their advice. Write down all your concerns and then call them or email them. They'll talk you through what to do next. You can't ignore it.

And just tell him she's ill if you can until you work out what to do next. She can't sleep there with random people so you are doing the right thing protecting her.

ricketytickety · 26/01/2016 12:41

NSPCC = email [email protected].
0808 800 5000

They will talk you through what you need to do

ricketytickety · 26/01/2016 12:44

She needs your help but remember children are very resilient and find ways to cope. You'll get through whatever has happened together but you will need help x

AnotherTimeMaybe · 26/01/2016 12:45

I'm in absolute tears

Most likely nothing happened but could be that she's not comfortable with strangers! And you do need to protect her even from that
I personally wouldn't not allow any more visits end of... But you could ask your Ex to come and visit
Don't worry it's all gonna be ok, it's great that you picked this up and acting on it

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:46

If something has happened, it's all my fault - I shouldn't have sent her back the day she cried... I shouldn't have sent her back the day I knew people came to stay... I tried to tell ExH, but I should have kept trying

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WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:47

She's such a confident little girl and has always been fine with new people, but maybe that's just changing now she's older

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goodnightdarthvader1 · 26/01/2016 12:48

It's not your fault - we naturally want to think the best of people.

I agree with talking to NSPCC, and try to talk to your DD again when she gets home. I wouldn't let her go to her dad's until this is resolved, and I'd be telling him why.

I'm guessing the people he invited overnight were women? Not mates of his, I mean?

BarbarianMum · 26/01/2016 12:51

(In a kindly way) You need to calm down, stop blaming yourself and start sorting this out. As yet you don't actually know that anything bad has happened (and if it has it isn't your fault). Rather than work yourself up by imagining terrible things, get onto the phone and speak to someone who can help you.

Don't try and second guess what's going on - get help to find out.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 12:52

Your thread echoes that of another Mumsnetter who went and is still going through similar, babynamechange, contact was court ordered and reverse residency threatened by judge is she did not comply. Her ex was abusing her then 5 year old ds, was displaying similar behaviour on going to contact with dad. Ex took photos of her ds on the loo. The boy still goes to contact as it is court ordered but the sexual abuse has stopped as her ds told her and Police about the photo, so dad was scared off.

ricketytickety · 26/01/2016 12:54

You can't control some things - you still are none the wiser as to what's been going on. How were you to know what you suspect now? Try to stay strong and get some support as to what to do next.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 12:54

No it is not your fault, but you do need to speak to professionals about it, yes it might be nothing, but similarly it could well be. They need to use their professional input to decide.

StuffEverywhere · 26/01/2016 12:54

NSPCC

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 26/01/2016 12:54

If she is in bed asleep how does she know who is there?

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:56

They're women, to DD 'special friends' is what her dad calls them

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birdlover1977 · 26/01/2016 12:58

Please get real life help OP for both you and your little girl. Do not send her back to her dad's until you are confident that she is safe there. Have him come over to yours instead or just say she is feeling unwell. It is not your fault and hopefully nothing has happened but please listen to your mother's instinct always. Take care x

serin · 26/01/2016 12:58

Oh Dear OP, Alarm bells would be ringing for me as well. How has her behaviour at school been? any changes there?

I would contact NSPCC or social services and take their advice.

Blaming yourself is not going to help but being proactive and seeking help will.

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 13:00

She is doing okay at school - she is a bit behind and struggles to sit still, but that was before any of this

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