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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow DD to see her dad?

134 replies

WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 12:09

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I'm in desperate need of some advice! :(

ExH and I, have a 6 year old DD; I have her in the week and he has her at the weekend. She has been going there for 6 months now and things have been working out great :) he has always loved her to bits and it's not him I'm particularly concerned about - he has been chatting to people on the internet; it's his life, he can do what he wants. However, when DD goes to stay, he invites them over for the night... Not happy about that at all and I told him that I won't take her, if you keep doing it - he did it again, but explained that DD was in bed asleep... I've started to notice a lot of new things with DD - she cries and begs me not to take her to her dad's and it made me think "what the fuck have one of them strangers done to my child", but then I asked her why and she goes "Daddy isn't nice", I do wonder if it's just her trying to get out of the longish car journey, but I didn't dismiss it completely... I then walked in on her taken pictures of her genitals and that was it, I was far from comfortable allowing her to go, but who could possibly be the problem ExH, or these strangers? Oh, please help :( my family think I'm being unfair anyway, so I really can't talk to them about this...

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 13:43

I'd also start to log every incident, every visit and her feelings and behaviour around it. Try and recall the last few, as well, for your own records.

It will make it easier if you do end up in court at some stage. Keep good records of everything to do with it.

Branleuse · 26/01/2016 13:44

maybe if he had her every other weekend then he could meet his women-friends on the weekends he didnt have her. If hes having her every weekend, he doesnt get other opportunities to socialise does he, and every weekend might be too much for her.

As for the pictures of genitals, I think you need to ask her more. It could just be curiosity, but you need to find out if something has happened

Pipistrella · 26/01/2016 13:46

There's also supervised contact if necessary, I mean not in so many words but what if he came to see her at your house instead? Just for a while.

Would she still not want to see him in that situation?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 26/01/2016 13:46

2. If he is having a new sexual relationship (or several) then that should not be taking place while his dd is there, IMO.

Good point... OP I have a feeling that dd overheard something that made her feel uncomfortable! Hence she's intrigued by her private parts...
So could be irrelevant to sexual abuse..... But she shouldn't be there still

starry0ne · 26/01/2016 13:49

this would alarm me agree.. first step NSPCC.

Don't blame yourself at this stage you don't know if it is anything

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 13:49

I do think it's sad that he would rather cut out weekends to see his only child, so he can get in bed with women of the Internet, if he wants to cut it to every other weekend, in my honest opinion...

OP posts:
mummytime · 26/01/2016 13:51

Contact the NSPCC and follow their advice!

(If you really don't want to then call SS.)

If as a babysitter I had seen such behaviour, this is what I would have to do. Don't ask her any more, she needs to be questioned by professionals.

AndNowItsSeven · 26/01/2016 13:51

Definitely phone the NSPCC today and don't send your dd there again until you have taken their advice.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/01/2016 14:01

Make yourself a cup of tea & take a few deep breaths, your mind must be racing.

Would you feel able to phone the NCPCC? Not too official yet experts at all kinds of situations like this.

trulybadlydeeply · 26/01/2016 14:07

There could be completely innocent explanations for all these bits of the puzzle, OP, of course there could. However your DDs safety is paramount, and until you know for sure that she is safe there, then I would not be sending her. Please contact one of the organisations already mentioned.

Personally, I would not be at all happy about him inviting strangers to the house while she is here. Having friends round, yes, but people he's never met before? No.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 14:36

Yes it could be entirely innocent, yet again it might not, so yes professional advice is very important, I think. There are a few red flags which are very concerning, which op should not ignore.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 14:39

I woulden't question her further, just let her offer up information of her own volition.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 26/01/2016 14:47

I woulden't question her further, just let her offer up information of her own volition.

Actually, that's a good point - ignore my earlier dumb advice to ask her about it again. I think they say that repeated questioning can actually confuse a child, I think the guidance is to leave it in case she has to have an official interview with the child protection professionals. (Not to frighten you, OP) Again, NSPCC can advise best. Are you able to speak to them before you collect your DD from school today?

intothebreach · 26/01/2016 14:53

Some very sensible advice from aeroflot. Please don't question your dd any further just now, but do call nspcc as soon as possible.

Also, don't talk to your ex H about these concerns at the moment. You would be giving him the opportunity to hide any evidence there might be.

You are in the right to make excuses for withholding contact until this has been investigated. Never mind what the court order says - the judge didn't have this information when he made it.

All the safeguarding training I have ever had says that you should report concerns like this straight away, without questioning the child further, and without alerting the parent in question.

I do hope there's an "innocent"explanation. .. But the strangers staying over is a worry in itself, even without all the other stuff Sad

LittleMissUpset · 26/01/2016 14:57

OP I understand you are feeling stressed and upset, and you haven't done anything wrong Flowers

It could be an innocent explanation, but there's some things there that would worry me. And just because it's women who are coming round, doesn't mean they can't be doing something. I'm not saying this to worry you, but women can abuse too.

She may have just seen her dad doing something with these women, rather than someone doing something to her, but that's still not right.

Please get some advice from the NSPCC as others have said, good luck Flowers

Branleuse · 26/01/2016 14:58

you want to stop her going because her dad has women round when shes there, yet youd be unimpressed if he dropped a weekend so he could do it while she wasnt there?

JeanGenie23 · 26/01/2016 14:58

It may be nothing so it's best to stay calm but I would definitely be getting into with NSPCC and asking for their guidance.

Thanks
mrsjskelton · 26/01/2016 15:00

This would ring alarm bells for me - I fear that your child could be being photographed by one of these friends and she could just be replicating the behaviour at home. I would be contacting the relevant authorities at the very least! This sounds frightening to me OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2016 15:00

I totally agree intro, confronting him may help him conceal any evidence or he may take it out on dd, constantly questioning her may make her withdraw further. Just contact the professionals and take it from there.

MeridianB · 26/01/2016 15:05

Setting aside any concerns of sinister activity, he's putting he's own needs above his daughter's. In addition to stranger danger and what she might see or hear, who knows how much of distraction all this is - is he online half the weekend? He might be languishing in bed with his latest booty call until mid-morning.

The sort of women who meet someone on the internet and go round to their place for sex hours later are not necessarily going to have any respect for a 6 year olds needs or wants.

The man who regularly invites these women over to have casual sex while his daughter is staying is a truly lousy dad.

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 15:07

I don't mind him socialising, I wouldn't mind his friends coming round when she is in bed, but random strangers, so yes, I think it would be sad he would like to see her less and see random women, wouldn't and mum? If not, just me then, but I do and I'm sorry for feeling that way if it is wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 15:09

I also never stopped her going because he had them around, I spoke to him about it first, but she not wanting to go and the pictures it's what's stopping me, because that on top worries me

OP posts:
intothebreach · 26/01/2016 15:13

Please call the nspcc! Speculating and feeling guilty isn't going to help. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's a terrible thing you're suspecting, and it's not surprising that you are feeling a bit wobbly. However, you need to take action. And you need to do it right now, before she gets home from school.

Grab a cup of tea, take a deep breath, and make the call. You can do your crying and falling apart afterwards Flowers

Original poster
WinterBabyHMW · 26/01/2016 15:15

She has dance tonight, I'll do it then

OP posts:
intothebreach · 26/01/2016 15:21

Okay, stay strong. We will be holding your hand Flowers (although you probably shouldn't give us too much information from now on). X