To start a thread about the hilarious things children say?

[Farandole]

DS (4): Daddy, I don't like my name. I'd like to change it.
DH: hmm, what would you like to be called?
DS: I'd like to be called 'Low Profile'.

DH, to me: do you like to be in middle management?
DS: Daddy, I'm also in middle management at my school!
DH: really! How so?
DS: well sometimes I tell others to tidy up, and sometimes others tell me to tidy up.

:o

I heard of this one;

Nanny to Grandson- Oh your mummy is so much taller than me! (mock envy)

Grandson who is trying to be sympathetic -
Don't worry nanny you are much wider than mummy!

I teach sports, I was asking a child if they enjoyed their new school and they mentioned where they went. I said - oh I know that school, my mummy went there back in the olden days when things were black and white (joking but forgetting only 4yrs old!) Response from child- is your mummy dead (nope!)

When my son was about a month old i took him and my 3yo niece to the shops to get her some sweets. We got the bus back and it was packed... cue a screaming fit from ds and niece shouts out auntie painauchocolat baby cousin is crying because he wants to eat your boobies! Ive never been so mortified in all my life. Oh the shame

Ds tonight.
"mummy, my ear hurts" (he gets a lot of ear infections)
Me: I expect you have water in from washing your hair:
Ds: My head aches really badly.
Me: Good sleep will help that.
Ds: I must have a temperature too, I'm so hot.
Me: Feels fine to me.
Ds: I think I feel sick.
Me: I diagnose antischoolitis and dontwanttogobacktoschoolvirus.
Ds: Hmmph!

About 10minutes later...
Ds: Mummy....
I come upstairs.
Ds: You're not going to believe me if I'm really ill tomorrow are you?
Me: Not without other evidence.
Ds: I'm going to try hard to get a temperature tonight.

My brother brought this up today and we both had a good laugh about it.

When my aunt died, we held the wake at our house. I was only about 10yrs old and my parents had asked me and my siblings to help look after the guests.

So my brother and sister went round with the coffees and teas, and I went round asking if anyone wanted alcohol.

I asked someone if he'd like a brandy and he smiled and said "I'm an alcoholic"

Well I wasn't entirely sure what an alcoholic was, so I just looked at him and said "Oh ok I'll get you a double then"

On the bus;
Mummy?
Yes.
Why has that man got a big red nose?
whisper
Why mustn't I say Why has that man got a big red nose?
whisper whisper
No Mummy No this is NOT our stop, Mummy, MUMMY why....

DD1 probably aged about 2 at the time had a spate of asking me impossible to answer questions; mainly negative ones. For example:

Why DON'T pigeons have shoulders?

DD2, same age, has informed me recently that I can't blow raspberries on her because she is made of plastic.

I was talking to ds1 about tsunami's yesterday (we are in an area where there's a real possibility of one happening) when ds2 (5) walked in half way through the conversation and said "mummy, we don't need to run away from a salami, we just need to eat it"

Ds2 (again) has finally gone from being a very fussy eater to a child who will at least try a bite of something new. Yesterday he decided to try pâté on crackers and declared loudly " Yum, I like patio now"

When ds1 was about 3 we had a funny conversation

Him: was that on (baby brothers) head?

Me: it's cradle crap

Him: why does he have table crap on his head?

Me:

I once asked DD if she could count backwards.....She proceed to walk backwards whilst counting from 1-10
Same DD once insisted on wearing elbow helmets whilst on her roller skates. (She'd had knee and elbow protectors for xmas)
Still makes me chuckle 20 years on.......

Oh great! He now HAS woken with a temperature.

My 2 year old was in the bath and we were talking about our day for Daddy. (He was listening half heartedly as we nattered on) We'd been to B&Q and as I'm pregnant I needed to dash to the loo for a wee. I said to DS, "The lady had to unlock a special door for us, didn't she? So that mummy could go for a wee."

DS screwed up his face and stated in his little toddler voice - "Mummy not do wee... Mummy do a poo!" My husband was suddenly listening intently, he thought this was hilarious and started a chorus of "Oh did she?!" and the more I said I didn't the more they both insisted that I had and laughed.

It was funny had to be there at the time type of funny

:o :o :o

Delta the salami made me lol!

Over Christmas my 4 year old DD asked if we could have a movie night while we were shopping in the supermarket. She shouted very loudly across the shop "mummy don't forget the cock porn for our movie night"

Just yesterday we were watching a documentary about dinosaurs. Cue dd (7) asking me if there were dinosaurs about when I was little...laughing I asked her how old she thinks I am. After a little pause she said 'ok then, were there dinosaurs about when granny was little...'

whilst shopping in supermarket frozen aisle...
DS Mum that turkey has a swear on it
Me I'm sure it doesnt
DS look it says (spells out) B.A.S.T.E.D
Me

another one...whilst playing the one direction board game with my children a few years ago one of the dares was to make the sound of a hysterical fan, my son stood up started spinning round and making a whirring sound... i was in fits of laughter trying to explain he was doing an impression of the wrong type of fan.

Trying to get DS2 to jump into the swimming pool - "I can't float, I'm not a boat!"
He is really funny at the moment, he was a late talker but now at 3.5 he has found his voice and it's hilarious.

Over new year we visited the cousins. Went out to eat and DS had some ice-cream. While this is a novelty for him, his cousins are frequent consumers. So, they're all tucking in and enjoying said ice-cream when suddenly Cousin 1 shouts "brain freeze!". Lots of laughter abounds between the 3 of them. About 30 seconds later, Cousin 2 shouts "brain freeze!" accompanied with more uproarious laughter. Another 30 seconds later DS (3yo) decides to join in and shouts "Sainsburys!"

Tumbleweeds from the cousins, but much laughter from the adults.

Arf at table crap and turkey swears

My 5 yr old DS walked into his room the other day and announced to me:

"Mom.. My willy is like a crocodile."

"Oh really..."

I left it at that. I have no idea what he meant by it, nor do I want to know.

Many moons ago my DD told me she couldn't go to school because she had bonic plaque.

Yesterday my 3yo was telling my friend all about how big boys do poos in the loo she said "yes that's important do you get there every time"?

He replied " no only when I killed myself dead" he then led down on the floor with his toungue hanging out

willi, that's pretty clever

On the bus with my nephew when he was about 4
DN - Auntie Sweary, you're a bad mummy
Me - I'm not a mummy, darling
DN - you are so
Me - I'm not
and on and on
DN - you are a mummy because you've got BIG FAT BOOBIES

And more recently with his 5yo sister when we were baking. I screwed it up.
Me - oh god, I've totally fucked it up. Oops, sorry for my language DN
DN - Auntie Sweary.... What language did you fuck it up in
Me -
It did stop me worrying about the fucked up cake though.

Ds2 (aged 5) runs into the living room, points finger at my lap and asks?
"Where is the THING?"
"What thing?"
"Thing with FUR!"

Guess what (who) was that all about.

Dgs aged just 5:
Grandma where were you before you died?
Me: I must have missed something love I haven't died yet.
Dgs: Don't be silly grandma everybody has to be dead before they can be alive!

DH yesterday: DS, what did your last slave die of?
DS, cheerfully: Diarrhoea.