To start a thread about the hilarious things children say?

[Farandole]

DS (4): Daddy, I don't like my name. I'd like to change it.
DH: hmm, what would you like to be called?
DS: I'd like to be called 'Low Profile'.

DH, to me: do you like to be in middle management?
DS: Daddy, I'm also in middle management at my school!
DH: really! How so?
DS: well sometimes I tell others to tidy up, and sometimes others tell me to tidy up.

:o

I'm sure there were more from when they were little but my 7 old has some good ones:

"Mummy, can you uninsideout my onesie?"

"What day is it?" "Monday." "Yes but the what-th of January?"

Mummy, can you uninsideout my onesie?"

Haha...I've also had 'Mummy can you un-do-up my laces?' (untie)

citychick 😂

When DS was a baby he had a bit of nappy rash, so when DD spotted his red bottom she said 'Ooh why is it all red like that?' and I told her it was probably because he was teething.

So she thought for a moment and then said 'What? So he bites his own bum?'

pineapple my DS is similar so your post made me I've said he at least shouldn't play with it in public -cue the following exchange at pre school pick up:
DS: Mummy, MUMMY
Me: Yes DS?
DS: (proudly and very loudly) I didn't play with my willy at nursery today.
Me: Um, err good...well done

Pineapple that's hilarious!

That just reminded me of DS at breakfast today, he was all smiles and told us his willy was feeling 'strong' and he liked it!

When my youngest was 4 we were in Sainsbury's and DH and I were choosing Chinese ready meal stuff for a lazy Friday night. DS pipes up, "which is good Mummy?" Before I had a chance to answer he grabbed two and sprinted to the end of the aisle. As we neared we realised mortified that he had collared an Asian couple in time to hear him say, "you look Chinese. Which is nicer?" The lovely man walked him back to the fridge and talked him through all the different options and helped him choose. DS thanked him and then shouted to the man's wife (still stood at the end of the aisle), "Thank you Mrs Chinese lady, I like Chinese food now and I like you."

Ds when I was buying a bottle of wine in sainsburys (in loud voice obv) 'Remember Mummy no drinking before lunch' I wouldn't care but I rarely drink!

Also took ds to see Thomas the Tank aged 2 and he screamed 'mummy mummy I can see the fat cunt' fat controller

Dd (now 5)

In doctors surgery 'mummy that lady has white hair'
'Yep' (trying to distract her because I know what's coming because we'd driven past a graveyard the day before and there'd been much discussion about if we knew anyone buried there)
'Well it's good she's so old because when she dies soon then we can say we know a very old dead lady who is buried in the graveyArd'

Ds 'mummy why do they just turn off cloud factories if they don't want it to rain?'
Me 'that's a factory Ds not a cloud factory'
Ds

Dd (aged 2 with not great speech and could pronounce count but loved playing hide and seek) also very very bossy and liked to jab her finger in a dictatorial fashion
'Right granny, I hide, you cunt'

Dd (aged about 18m)
Me: 'dd come here what's in that nappy?'
Dd: (long think) 'a bum'

Me: dd what's in your hand
Dd: 'Me no talking and not got chockit in my hand. NO! Me no talking'
Me: give me the chocolate dd

*couldnt pronounce count or maybe she could and was just being even more rude than I thought

Glad its not just me Pobspits

We had a phone engineer out and the kids were crowding him as they do, dd2 asks "where's your mum?" "My mums in heaven" Then up pipes my 4 yr old ds " no she's not she walked past our house the other day" safe to say I hid in the kitchen at that point.

JE1234 that's fantastic.
Kids are so funny. Really enjoying following this.

Love the post about putting cream or mummy's bottom and the no wine before lunch!
Excellent

Pobspits the one about the white haired granny is the best!
Mine are;
DS- Mum, are you old?
Me- No.
DS- Oh, you just have an old face then.

Also, we have an alcoholic in the family and my son always tells them their breath stinks he's 3 so doesn't really grasp that he's being rude and he's not lying either

Oh and another funny one. On Halloween I had a glass of wine and my son asked for some. I explained alcohol was for grown-ups. A few weeks ago when he stayed at his dads ds decides to tell him "my mum's always drinking alcohol" in a sad little voice. I have a drink about twice a year!! Dreading him starting nursery spon and what he might make up!

DS 3 - mummy do you have a doodle?
Me - no I don't.
DS3 - that's ok, I'll buy you a new one!
Me - righty o then?

Or DS 5 - mummy I'm going to marry you and then I can drink Coke every day!

They are not allowed Coke but given a taste.

Sorry I should've done a list. Another I remembered from years ago. Taking a boyfriend to meet my Aunt for the first time. Her daughter who was about 4 handed the boyfriend one of those silicon chicken breasts things for bras and said "these are my mums boobs"

Just thought of another one. I look after my youngest two long term for my sister and intermittently we have a visit from Social Services (long story). I asked the social worker if she wanted tea or coffee to which the youngest pipes up, "aren't you having wine?" When I returned he got up to look in the cups and then said, "you don't like tea, I'll get you the wine." I promise it's not how it sounds! Thankfully she knew me well enough to laugh it off!

Sad one but did make the people involved laugh at a terrible time.

Neighbours told their 3 children mummy wasn't going to get better and was going to die soon.

Their dd (aged 5): "oh. Well when mummy dies, can we get a dog, cos it's only her who doesn't want one!"

I was visiting my cousin.

Cousin to her 2yo Who's this?
Child Poo
Cousin No say Proud
Child Poo
Cousin Proud!
Child Poo!
Cousin Say hello nicely
Child Hello nicely

Cousin's children aged about 4 and 5 realised that their mum was older than me and said "Good! You can look after us when mummy's dead."

DM used to say to us ' Don't do x or I'll be after you with a big stick!'

DB copied her as a toddler but was unable to pronounce 'stick' and would talk about going after people with a big dick.

Ds2-not sure of his age, around 7 I think, having had a basic reproduction lesson at school, said in very busy coffee shop

DS2: Dad, - Ds1, DS3 and me are your best swimmers!
DH: so you were DS2
Couples on tables close by:

We were about to get a new front door and I was a tad excited (small things)

Me- Ooh new door arriving today!
DS (8)- What's so exciting about that?
Me- Well, we've saved for it, it'll look great! Just you wait, when you're my age you'll be ringing ME to tell me about YOUR new front door.
DS- No I won't.
Me- Why not?
DS- Because you'll probably be dead by then.

DS (5) says that when he's a man, he'll have an orange sports car and drive around in it looking for a husband. He will live with his sister who will buy the car for him.