To start a thread about the hilarious things children say?

[Farandole]

DS (4): Daddy, I don't like my name. I'd like to change it.
DH: hmm, what would you like to be called?
DS: I'd like to be called 'Low Profile'.

DH, to me: do you like to be in middle management?
DS: Daddy, I'm also in middle management at my school!
DH: really! How so?
DS: well sometimes I tell others to tidy up, and sometimes others tell me to tidy up.

:o

Lolling at 'Santa is watching!'

My 2 year old DN to a cashier yesterday....
"My mummy's in the hospital."
"Oh that's a shame. Why is she on the hospital?"
"She's having her boobies done!" 😱😱

My poor sister was in hospital having a baby not a boob job!

DD Daddy look my baby cuddle (presents doll in DH ''s face)
DH She's your baby, and where's my baby? (puts his arms out to cuddle DD)
DD In your tummy daddy!

Dd= look at my picture mummy
Mum=that's lovely darling. Very clever. I see a house and a tree. What are all these little marks at the bottom?
Dd= that's writing mummy.
Mum =what does writing say?
Did = I don't know. I can't read yet.

PMSL Alison!!!!!!!

When Ds1 was four he stolled into the kitchen pulled himself up on to the worktop grabbed the loaf of bread and jumped down..I said ERM what are you doing???

He looked at me shruged and said what its only carbohydrate..

Son (5): "I literally nearly fell over!"

Me: Did you fall over?

Son: "No, I LITERALLY did"

His other recent thing is calling everyone in the house "mate".

DS was playing with DM's mostly grey hair, but found a small patch not quite so grey and exclaimed "Nanna, you're going dark!"

@ Alison.

These are very funny.

When my DS was 4 we were out in town and he pointed at a woman in the shop we were in and said "oh look Mummy, there's God!"

When I said "Why do you think she's God?", he said "She brings our lunches in to nursery every day and then we have to pray to her to thank her!!"

Guess it made more sense to a 4 year old to thank the one he could actually see!

New girl in my swimming class.

"Hello miss. I am wearing my goggles so I won't drown. But I am ready for death."

Yikes!

Me: "How do we say frog in French?"
DD: "Le frog"

DD's list of developmental stages:
Baby
Horror
Child
Grown up

"Mummy - I wiped my bottom all by myself!"
"Oh, well done!"
"...so I don't need you any more - and you'll be dead soon, anyway."

12 years later, I am still here...and he does still need me, though he'd never admit it

My ds asked my dh why do you have a willy beard daddy

DP giving out about the constant roadworks going on on the main road between our house and town.
DD 6yo: "Well Mamái when exactly would you like them to do roadworks?"
DP: "Umm, never!"
DD: "Well Mamái that's just silly now isn't it? We'd all have to go around on a crooked earth place then wouldn't we?"

Dd (3yo) sat rubbing her eye yesterday.

Me: are you alright, do you have something in your eye?
Dd: yes - an eyeball

My 3 yo ds once said when he grew up he wanted to be a Mexican doctor....turns out he meant Mr conductor, from dinosaur train. Recently he had a little spot on his arm. Paranoid about the pox with a new baby, I said "what's that?" To which he replied , its my boob. I said what's it for? He matter of factly answered "its for feeding babies with"..... When I continued to poke it thoroughly to determine if it was actually the pox, I was firmly told that "you shouldn't touch people's boobs unless they say you can". Sound advice, I think imparted by daddy....

when my little girl was 3 she announced to a packed bus that a woman walking past must have had loads of babies in her tummy cos she is huge!! Cue lots of badly disguised laughter and us getting off the bus 2 stops early, I just thank the lord the woman wasn't on the bus with us

Me: applying sudocrem to 3yo DS's bottom.

DS: Mummy, one day I would like to put cream on your bottom.

Me: [speechless]

Dd1 asked why the cat was snoring with his
Eyes open! And when would he learn to talk! She was 3 at the time now she's 23 we still laugh about it, the other day dd2 age 6 randomly said, cats are afraid of water, that's why they use boats!

my friends DS asked her while she was in the bath why she had stuck a candle up her bum. (tampon string)

Four year old boy at work:
"How old are you Middle?"
"Well, about 50"
"I didn't know you could be that old before you're dead."

Another child at work:
"I'm poorly"
"Oh dear, what's the matter with you?"
"I've got too much snot up my nose and it's stuck"

My two young nieces K and M were very excited to find out the sex of my baby and asked me to call them after the scan.

Me: The baby is a boy!
K: ...
Me: K, are you there?
K: Yeah.
Me: Are you happy the baby is a boy?
K: No, do you want to speak to M? (Rhetorical question as phone is then shoved to M.)
Me: Hey M, the baby is a boy!
M: Puts the phone down.

My ds2 (3.5) has recently discovered that playing with his willy is nice and we repeatedly tell him its not appropriate downstairs and to go to his room. Conversation the other day went:

Me: ds stop playing with your willy
Ds: but mummy i like it.
Me: i dont care
Ds: go and play with your willy mummy
Me: i dont have a willy
Ds: play with my willy
Me: (lost for words)
Ds: you do have a willy mummy
Me: i dont
Ds: yes you do let me see

All this whilst my dad was visiting and he was wetting himself.

The DDs of a friend of ours wanted a digy. Pleaded whined, whinged and begged for one for weeks. One day, the girls were playing mum off against dad and he had said " ask your mum when you can get a dog-that is up to het"When they came to ask "daddy says you decide when we get a dog"she snapped " you can get one when your daddy dies!".....their response.... "Yeah! Will it be soon?"