To start a thread about the hilarious things children say?

[Farandole]

DS (4): Daddy, I don't like my name. I'd like to change it.
DH: hmm, what would you like to be called?
DS: I'd like to be called 'Low Profile'.

DH, to me: do you like to be in middle management?
DS: Daddy, I'm also in middle management at my school!
DH: really! How so?
DS: well sometimes I tell others to tidy up, and sometimes others tell me to tidy up.

:o

Me: DS, can you sing the alphabet for me?
3yo DS: AAAALPPHHHAAAABEEEEEET!

And his trolling has only improved.

On showing my son the leg of lamb we were having for dinner and explaining that it came from a real lamb..

'But mummy - can the lamb still stand up without his leg?'

In Asda drinks aisle:
DS(3): Mummy, there's your alcohol
Me: Thanks sweetie I don't need any
DS: But you like drinking it mummy
Me: (brightly) shall we go and pay?
DS: Launches into chorus of "gin, wonderful gin , marvellous gin, glorious giiiiinnnn" complete with flourish at the end.
Me: (whilst fleeing shop).

I have now stopped singing odes to my favourite drinks when he's around !

My parents met me from work with DD1 (4), the big boss was talking to her and she was telling about her teddy when she suddenly turned to me and said:

'mummy my knickers are very warm'

A child in my class came to me with some broken glasses and said "Miss X window has fallen out of her glasses!"

During a puberty lesson on breast health. "Miss what's that thing called that women have that squashes and photos their boobs, is it instagram?"

DD(3) is constant telling me she has a tiny wedgie. Because she has s tint bum.

She's also taken to running away from me in the busy town centre, shrieking "don't eat my botty, mummy!" With her hands clamped over said bottom. I get a lot of funny looks.

Smashly,
Please ask him and report back.

DS (7): You know the moving stones in Death Valley?
Me/DH: Yes?
Long pause.
DS: I'm making up a Jingle Bells song about them.

OK then!

DD (now 10) once told her dad that babies were "basically in foof prison until they come out"

Ds2 doesn't always hear words and sounds properly, which can lead to some very interesting conversations!

Recently he asked me "why do tourists kill people?"
Me (not really sure I'd heard right): what do you mean?
ds2: tourists... you know its been on the news lots. They wear lots of dark clothes and you can't see their faces...
me:do you maybe mean terrorists?
ds2:oh yeah...

Another time walking the dog, it was just me and him. I had gotten a wee bit confused of what way we were going and said to him that I'd lost my bearings. Quick as a flash he says "no mum, you left dd and ds1 at home"
(We are Scottish-I use 'bairns' alot!)

I'd just got a heated massage chair and my DD (6 at the time), and I had been trying it out. We had gone in to town and were in a large busy shop in the queue for the till. My DD suddenly piped up 'Mummy, when we get home can we play with your vibrator again?'. Mortified! I was desperately trying to say 'no, you mean my massage chair', but it got lost amongst the guffaws of the other shoppers

When DD was 2 the childminder delighted in telling me she had told everyone that mummy had been cutting her hair with the scissors on her bottom

We had a friend called Samuel who had longish hair. My Ds1 was 2 and one day Samuel came in the house with his head shaved. Ds spluttered "Samuel! What's happened to your head?" In a horrified voice.

Ds2 who is 7 cant remember the words "pins and needles" he runs round the kitchen saying "ooo I've got peas and poodles" or "nips and noodles"

Dd used to stare at me in shop changing rooms and every piece of clothing I removed she would say "oh nice jumper mummy......oh nice bra mummy.....oh nice pants mummy ....oh nice socks mummy" you would think she hadn't seen me earlier in the day!

My DD ages just under two saw her daddy in just his gruds. Proceeded to point 'there' and ask had he poo pooed

Earlier today my 2 year old ds asked me to hand him something and when I did he looked at me all serious and said "thank you mummy, you're kind".

Ds couldn't stop talking one time, so I said jokingly he'd got "verbal diarrhoea". He thought this was very funny.

A few days later we were in a very public place. And he's chatting away, then suddenly stops and says in a loud piercing voice. "Oh dear, I think I've diarrhoea again."

DS2, cosily seated between DS1 and DD on an eight-hour drive to Scotland during which we have been trying to explain his relationship to all his various cousins ('Tom is Aunt Mary's son, Peter and Emma and Uncle Pip and Aunt Sally's children' etc):

DS2: Mummy, do YOU have any children?

Also:

DS1 (aged 4): Mummy, why didn't you and Daddy invite me to your wedding?
me: But darling, you weren't born yet.
DS1: Don't make excuses. You'd BETTER invite me to your next wedding, or I'll refuse to be born.

Explaining to very literal DC1, then five, about his aunt's cats who were being spayed at the time, I somehow got on to fertility in general.

Me: So if you don't want to have a baby, you can take medicine like I do, or have an operation like

DS 10 said to me today he doesn't like thinking about blood because it makes his body go slow

Just remembered that when dd was 2 she kept asking us to call her 'Samantha' so sometimes we did for an Easy life but she always looked a bit annoyed / bewildered when we did. A few weeks later she asked again and I said 'Ok Samantha' and Ds (5) piped up 'mummy she's not saying Samantha you know. She's saying the manager'

Ohhhhhhhh that makes a lot of sense actually knowing dd as I do but I don't know why d's hasn't chosen to impart this knowledge a few weeks earlier!!

Ahaha Mrs Hathaway! I bet you never thought of that! Remind him of this in 10+ years

Don't you worry, Merry. We obeyed his suggestion by getting DH a vasectomy and we'll tell him all about that too.

I'm stealing this from my bf's dd2 (aged 4)
Husband of bf: What would you like to listen to?
Dd2 (jumping up and down with enthusiasm) : The Taxman! The Taxman!
Bf explained "She's not quite at the point of a self assessment form - I think she likes the Beatles"

They are gas and are like sponges but they are so well up and know more that what you think.

DD2 to DH.
"daddy I'm going to shock your eyes out of your head"

"Daddy can you you take my spacialisers off my bike please" (she meant stabilisers

"Daddy we saw Dark Vader when we went shopping with grandma"

There are loads more, hopefully I'll remember some others later.