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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is inappropriate

129 replies

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:30

My friends ex husband is nearly 40 and has a new girlfriend who is barely out of her teens.

I know they are both adults but still, it's a bit inappropriate surely? She's closer in age to his eldest child than she is to him.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 11:31

You mean she's 20?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2016 11:31

Yes, it's not ideal. Not your business though....

January87 · 02/01/2016 11:32

Meh, once they're both consenting adults, who cares?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/01/2016 11:33

No I don't think its necessarily inappropriate. Some 20 year olds are imcredibly mature. And some nearly 40 year olds are not. If they match well, I don't think age difference should be a problem.

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2016 11:34

I had a similar age gap with my DH of 22 years (I was then widowed).

We had to deal with this judgemental shit all of our marriage.

You'll get varying opinions on here, but it still doesn't make it anyone's business.

diddl · 02/01/2016 11:34

So there's 19yrs?

What do you think is inappropriate about it?

Unless one is vulnerable & the other is obviously taking advantage?

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:35

She's 20, yes, but was 19 when she moved in with him.

For me, it isn't just the age gap but the fact she's so very young. If she was 30 and he was 49, it wouldn't feel quite as inappropriate.

OP posts:

MrsRonBurgundy · 02/01/2016 11:35

She's an adult so I'd struggle to get worked up over it to be honest. Maybe they have things in common that aren't related to the year that they were born in

I can't say I'd have much inclination to give a thought to what a friends ex husband was up to though to be honest! Why does it matter?

HighwayDragon1 · 02/01/2016 11:36

So she's 20/21?

nancy75 · 02/01/2016 11:36

I always wonder on threads like these, the posters saying they are adults who cares, would you honestly say that if your 20 year old was going out with a 40 year old?

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 11:37

And how old is nearly 40?

I remember being 38 and people saying I was nearly 40.

Jeez, I just wanted to be 38 without the 'f word' being thrown at me

ilovesooty · 02/01/2016 11:37

I don't quite see why you think your views on it matter.

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:38

Ron, because I'm close to her and to her children and I obviously don't want to talk about it with RL friends because that would be gossiping :)

OP posts:

MrsRonBurgundy · 02/01/2016 11:39

Nancy it's hard to answer that until you're in the situation but I'd like to think that I'd look at the wider picture of the whole relationship and how she was treated rather than gasping and spluttering over his date of birth.

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:40

Worra I can sympathise with that! He's 40 at some point this year (won't say when Just In Case)

Sooty it doesn't I suppose, but given that I know he's not the pleasantest partner I do feel a bit about him having such a young woman in his home and yes I do know there's not a thing I can do about it, but it feels wrong even though technically it isn't.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/01/2016 11:42

nancy my own dc would be too immature to go out with anyone much older. However, we have several friends in relationships with that sort of age gap, and they relationships are working very well.

Age shouldnt be a barrier if everything else is a really good fit.

ilovesooty · 02/01/2016 11:44

I know someone who's married to someone with this sort of age gap. They seem very happy.

LemonySmithit · 02/01/2016 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingaddict · 02/01/2016 11:45

Not sure about inappropriate but the reality of the relationship going the distance seems slight. He's obviously had his family done a far share of living the single life maybe done a bit of travelling. What happens when he's 50 and wants to stay in watching telly and she is still a young woman. It's the differences in life experiences that would make me question this relationship

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:45

Yes, I know it can work well. I think it's her youth, in this case, not the actual gap, which is making me a bit

If she was 35 and he was 56, I wouldnt find it particularly remarkable, but she's just so young.

OP posts:

Pixa · 02/01/2016 11:45

I was 19 when I started dating a 30 year old. I still got a lot of the same judgemental rubbish about how it was inappropriate. For what it's worth, we are now happily married.

I am curious, what do you think the age limit for dating should be OP?

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 11:45

Meh! Good luck to them anyway.

There are worse things you can be than 20yrs older/younger than your partner.

It's how they treat each other that counts, and for all you know they could fit perfectly.

Even if they don't, plenty of relationships go tits up when the couple are the same age.

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:47

Fair enough, but it really isn't the fact there's a big gap I'm about - it's that she's 20 and at college and he's nearly 40!

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 02/01/2016 11:48

So a woman in her early 20s and man in his late 30s? Meh!

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:50

Pixa I'm really happy for you, but there's still a big difference between 19 and 30 and 20 and 39

The last thing I want to do is offend anybody with a big age gap, but the situation as I see it is an almost 40 year old (sorry Worra!) with children of his own and a history of abusive behaviour moving someone in who is a teenager - if she was three years younger everyone would be and yet because she's legally an adult there's an uncomfortable sense of him using that to stay within the law whilst also being inappropriate, but I accept that's because I know the character, and a bit about this young woman.

But - point taken, none of my business.

OP posts:

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