Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is inappropriate

129 replies

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:30

My friends ex husband is nearly 40 and has a new girlfriend who is barely out of her teens.

I know they are both adults but still, it's a bit inappropriate surely? She's closer in age to his eldest child than she is to him.

OP posts:
AwfulCuntForTheButter · 02/01/2016 11:51

I was 21 when I got involved with a 41yo man. I was the one who ended it - he was UNBELIEVABLY childish! Grin

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/01/2016 11:53

The biggest gap I know of is a friends father and his second wife; he was 52 and she was 18 when they met and were married shortly after. He is now in his 80's and she in her 40's. Veryy happy marriage apparently.

I do get the raised eyebrows OP, but if it lasts everyone will just get used to it.

rogueantimatter · 02/01/2016 11:55

I'd feel the same as you woodenlofts they're at completely different stages in their lives.

mrsfuzzy · 02/01/2016 11:58

she probably makes him feel young, and she likes having a 'father type' figure. it might work, might not, what does it matter if they are happy ?

ForalltheSaints · 02/01/2016 11:58

Sadly not unusual- part of it is that 20 year old women consider 20 year old men to be immature in their behaviour (which in many cases is true).

I'm in favour of the half plus seven rule (take the older person in a couple, divide by two and add seven, to get an appropriate age for the younger person). So for 40, 27 is an appropriate age.

Original poster
woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 12:00

I think you're right mrsfuzzy but I also suspect his father type behaviour can be slightly less benevolent than she suspects which is what concerns me.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2016 12:01

""What happens when he's 50 and wants to stay in watching telly""

I'm nearly 50 and don't want to sit in watching telly, neither does anyone I know in my age group.

They're's a lot of stereotyping in situations like this.

Also, how many relationships last forever, why do you have to consider what might happen in 20 years time?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2016 12:03

OP, you're drip feeding now. It's gone from 'age gap' (which isn't excessive) to 'he's abusive'. If he's abusive then that is the issue, not his age of 'nearly 40' (sorry Worra Grin).

If you're as close to this woman as you say you are, talk to HER about the abusiveness if you witness it and be a friend to HER rather than posting an age-gap thread about her on a forum.

mrsfuzzy · 02/01/2016 12:04

woodenloft you never mentioned abusive behaviour in your main post, that's possibly why mners are saying what they are saying. knowing what we know know i think i would be a bit concerned for her. how is he abusive and how do you know this ?

Savagebeauty · 02/01/2016 12:04

What a ridiculous comment about 50 year olds .
My brother is 64 and his wife is 44. Been married 15 years. More life in him than a lot of younger men.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2016 12:04

You sound gossipy to me actually, OP. Do you really know this man? Know what he's like? 'I suspect' only really works in Cluedo. Hmm

HermioneWeasley · 02/01/2016 12:05

Early 20s is young - most people have barely left home, your brain is just finishing developing. There's a world of difference between that and someone in their late 20s or early 30s.

FayKorgasm · 02/01/2016 12:05

I would be concerned with any woman of any age getting involved with an abusive man.

knobblyknee · 02/01/2016 12:06

If she moved in with him at 19 then presumably he was grooming dating her well before then.

cleaty · 02/01/2016 12:07

Agree inappropriate, there is a massive power differential. And I would be judging him.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/01/2016 12:08

Yes, the abusive thing is worrying, if she's not worldly wise.

FifteenFortyNine · 02/01/2016 12:08

I have to say I wouldn't be happy if my young daughter/son entered into a relationship with a man/woman who was closer to my age. Over time I could probably accept it if it seemed to be working but initially I wouldn't behappy as it seems such an unequal match in terms of general life experience, knowing what you want from life/other people, learning about yourself etc. I'd also question what exactly they are looking for in a person of such a different age, a parent figure, missed youth or something else. But other than that if it works then why not.

2ndSopranosRule · 02/01/2016 12:11

15 years between my parents. Still going strong 44 years later.

Mind your own.

Nonidentifyingnc · 02/01/2016 12:11

I would judge. 20 is barely an adult and they are at completely different life stages.

I would think of him as being a bit of a sleaze tbh.

2ndSopranosRule · 02/01/2016 12:16

Let's assume "barely out of teens" is 22 and "nearly 40" is 38 (which people significantly younger often describe as such). That's 16 years.

Would you care to suggest to my dad that he's a sleaze for having gone after my mum on holiday on less.

ZanyMobster · 02/01/2016 12:16

I don't think a 20 year gap is a big deal however my DH at 39 would never have thought about going out with a 19 year old, he thinks that it's weird. Technically an adult yes but in reality this is not always the case as many 19 yos are very immature. I was 25 when I met DH who was 38, the gap has always seemed fine but then he is not abusive so irrelevant really.

I went out with older men between age 17 and 20 and at the time thought it was fine but now I really cannot see why a man of nearly 40 would think it's ok, I say that as someone who knows several people who have met and had successful long term relationships with this being the case so this probably sounds a bit hypocritical, one set of friends were 16 and 40 when they met and went on to be married for 20 years and had 3 children, they actually split up as the younger person was the one at 36 who didn't want to go out and have fun etc.

Really nothing you can do and the gap is nothing to be concerned about particularly as it depends on the people involved as to whether it seems ok or not and it is really not your business what sort of person he is. Each relationship is different and they may be happy.

ghostyslovesheep · 02/01/2016 12:17

well there are 18 years between my mum and step father - he was 22 when they got together - last year they celebrated 25 years of marriage

BluePancakes · 02/01/2016 12:18

When I was 18 I was dating a 40yo for a while. It didn't last (I ended it) but was something I had to find out for myself. If people were trying to push us apart, I would have done the mature thing of sticking by him longer than was good for me.

TenTinyTadpoles · 02/01/2016 12:21

It's none of your business (or ours) whether it is inappropriate or not is it?

Nataleejah · 02/01/2016 12:24

I was 20 when i met my DH -- he was 46.
All i can say is piss off and let them be. None of your business.