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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is inappropriate

129 replies

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:30

My friends ex husband is nearly 40 and has a new girlfriend who is barely out of her teens.

I know they are both adults but still, it's a bit inappropriate surely? She's closer in age to his eldest child than she is to him.

OP posts:

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 02/01/2016 13:52

Well there is a huge difference in their life experiences

I would not be happy at all if ds when he is 19 starts a relationship with man or woman who was nearly 40

Now what does he see in a young woman just starting out in life and is at college

ScoutandAtticus · 02/01/2016 13:58

Wouldn't bother me but age gaps are com in my family. As long as they Re happy and all that.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 02/01/2016 13:59

And of course the balance of power is already there for someone who is way inclined. Abusers don't change their ways unless they work on why they are abusive.

Nataleejah · 02/01/2016 14:01

I agree about experience part. Older parters will certainly have some "luggage" from the past.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2016 14:06

Op, they are both adults, so MYOB!

MissAlabamaWhitman · 02/01/2016 14:21

YABU

Its neither inappropriate nor any of your business.

Maybe he values youthful looks in a partner, he's hardly a rarity. Get over it.

SakuraSakura · 02/01/2016 14:24

I try to keep an open mind, but honestly, I would be disappointed if my daughter moved in with a man of 39 while she was 19. They would most likely be at very different stages of their lives. He's old enough to be her father.

Flamingoblue1 · 02/01/2016 14:33

Suddenly I no longer worry about me and Mr Flamingo having a 8 year age gap!

Justaboy · 02/01/2016 14:37

Well on my second marridge i was 41 and she was 21 and that lasted for just over 19 years so it can and does happen and for the greater part it was fine, really was. Course there may well be a problem in later years when shes 61 and he's 81 but as the UK average marriage is what?, some 10 years perhaps that may not a be a problem.

My view is that if they are happy with each other then that's all that does matter! Subject to lets hope she doesn't change with time too much as people do through their twenties but you can put that proviso on any person of that age married to most anyone of any age as other threads her have raised more than the once!

Nataleejah · 02/01/2016 14:42

I try to keep an open mind, but honestly, I would be disappointed if my daughter moved in with a man of 39 while she was 19.
I understand your position. You'd prefer to have a "fresh" and perspective son-in-law to be proud of, rather than have all the arsey-judgy attitudes fall on your head.

WindyMillersProbationOfficer · 02/01/2016 14:45

Ime a lot of men who have relationships with much younger women are inadequate in some way and as such are threatened by women their own age.

Ragwort · 02/01/2016 14:45

I appreciate that some relationships might work out with a big age gap but statistically it is unlikely and yes, I would judge.

My DB (in his late 40s) had a relationship with a young woman in her 20s - it was pretty obvious that she wanted his money and he wanted her body youth - fortunately (for her) it soon fizzled out but I do think it was entirely inappropriate.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 02/01/2016 14:50

Oh is that what were telling ourselves now is it WMPO?

NellysKnickers · 02/01/2016 14:53

Meh. My stepmum is just a year older than me. Age is just a number unless it's so young it's illegal. Rather a lot of judging going on here when really it's no ones business but theirs. The only thing that would worry me in this scenario would be the abuse you mentioned OP but that can also happen to anyone at any age no matter what the age gap.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/01/2016 14:54

Surely you should be more worried about the fact he's abusive than gossiping about an age gap that has nothing to do with you?

I started going out with DH when he was 43 and I was 22. 18 years later we're still together and he's not adequate or threatened by anyone his own age and nor is he my father figure!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/01/2016 14:59

My STBXH who is 41 now recently went on a date with a 20 year old. I can't imagine what they had in common but it's really none of my business.

araiba · 02/01/2016 15:00

a lot of men who have relationships with much younger women are inadequate in some way and as such are threatened by women their own age.

such bollocks

theycallmemellojello · 02/01/2016 15:03

I agree OP. You'd also never find a 40 year old woman dating a 20 year old guy. It's hard for me to resist the conclusion it's because women actually give a shit about their partner's personality, whereas men are just interested in having hot younger girlfriend. I know there are lots of relationships with the age gap that works, but it doesn't stop me from assuming that the male in the relationship is a sexist twat.

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 15:04

This is so stupid.
Many posters say they had similar age gaps -(including me)
It is legal.
The woman has kids of her own you said so already a mother and therefore no virgin-child

You want to spread nasty gossip - and suggest with the twee word "inappropriate" that there is something dirty about it.

People form relationships for all sorts of reasons and just because YOU don't fancy older men or just because YOU think that 10 years is an ok gap but fifteen isn't - then the man is an abuser

Maybe there is something unsavoury about being over-interested in other people's sex lives.

It is none of your business.

Original poster

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 15:05

Hang on, Blue, I didn't say the 19 year old had children - she doesn't. It's the man who has children

How on earth is it spreading nasty gossip on here when it's anonymous?

OP posts:

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 15:10

Sorry - Must have misunderstood I thought you said "I'm close to her and her children"

Have just re-read and still not sure but going back to what Ron said and I can see you might be referring I think to the ex wife of the man. Apologies

MissAlabamaWhitman · 02/01/2016 15:10

Speak for yourself mellojello....,

Doyoufeelluckypunk · 02/01/2016 15:13

Stop clutching your pearls and butt out!

Concern over previously abusive behaviour is understandable.

Judging an age difference is not.

The ages you quote are not too dissimilar to mine and my husband's when we met, which was 10 years ago.

Different strokes and all that...

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 15:13

Also - fair point about the anonymity of the forum.

I had a lot of this - and some of the stupid attitudes and sneers about my own relationship for years. 30 years on people still dismiss the love, caring, homebuilding, child-raising, conversations, support through illness and redundancy etc etc and think I was after his money and he was only interested in my tits.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/01/2016 15:13

FFS there are some really nasty, judgemental comments on this thread! Sexist twat, father figure, inadequate - would any of you say this to someone in real life who was in an age gap relationship?

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