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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is inappropriate

129 replies

woodenlofts · 02/01/2016 11:30

My friends ex husband is nearly 40 and has a new girlfriend who is barely out of her teens.

I know they are both adults but still, it's a bit inappropriate surely? She's closer in age to his eldest child than she is to him.

OP posts:

BlueJug · 02/01/2016 15:15

PS - money all gone and tits not what they were!

AverageSnowflake01 · 02/01/2016 15:16

I personally don't think it's appropriate but something like that would be none of my business.

nokidshere · 02/01/2016 15:21

I love this place! On one thread it's "they are 16 now so an adult you have no rights to ask about or know about their sex lives or anything else" and on the other it's "she is so young she must be being groomed or coerced and she doesnt know her own mind at 20"

My sister was barely 17 when she moved in with her 33 year old boyfriend, it was her decision and she put up with lots of negativity. 37 years later they are still happily married with 4 children and 7 grandchildren and are always out and about together.

On the other hand I know a couple who are both 24 who got married last year and it's a divorce waiting to happen.

No-one has the right to judge another adults choices, even if those choices seem to be the wrong ones.

RaspberryOverload · 02/01/2016 15:24

If the young woman was only 19 when she moved in with a chap who is 39, then how young was she when the relationship began?

The age gap alone would not be an issue to me, but the OP mentions abusive behaviour and that, plus the woman's age at the start of the relationship, would be indicators to me that this is not a good relationship.

He's had children already, would he want any more? And all those sort of questions. They do seem to be at different life stages and I can't really see this relationship lasting.

Narp · 02/01/2016 15:24

nokid

I think the explanation for differing opinions on different threads is that different people post different comments on the different threads

elementofsurprise · 02/01/2016 15:26

WMPO said in her experience... not a blanket statement, just what she's experienced. FWIW it's the same in my experience, although I wouldn't always use the word "inadequate"... just a shitload of baggage they've not sorted/aren't very self aware of.

I had a boyfriend at 18 who was 30, not as large an age gap, nothing obviously wrong with him... he turned abusive and I knew no better. Eventually when I finally left him, he impregnated an even younger woman, eventually turned abusive on her, and I last saw him in his late 30's literally hassling/chasing very young women around town.

Just to add some balance to the "it's fine for X couple I know" stories!

The other issue I've noticed with dating various older men whist in my 20's was that as I gained life experience they seemed more immature...

Narp · 02/01/2016 15:27

.....rather than your assumption that people are hypocrites

RustyBear · 02/01/2016 15:27

My mum was 21 and my dad 37 when they met; and some of her relations were very disapproving, saying that she would be left a young widow, or caring for an invalid. They were married for 52 years and in fact, it was my mum who died first at just 73, while my dad lived on, missing her every day, till he was 102.

As for those who say you'd never get it the other way round, my 23 year old nephew met a 39 year old woman with two children on an Internet gaming forum and they have been married seven years now - longer than the marriages of some of their friends who predicted disaster...

Narp · 02/01/2016 15:28

Sorry, my last post was a continuation of my previous post

Ginkypig · 02/01/2016 15:32

Mellojello

You are ridiculous to say such things.

My last partners who were my age were awful.

I Had left home, was independent in fact my lifestyle now is almost the same as then.

men my own age were shallow, ridiculously immature and quite frankly not worth my time. Meeting an older person meant we were on the same level and had the same adult goals so it worked as it happens all of my friends are at least 5 years but mostly 10 years upwards of me too.

Your comment shows how blatantly ignorant some people are of the differences in humans. Ie not all ages behave or have the same maturity. I could say something insulting but I wont.

As for the other stupid comments on here your all as bad!

sleeponeday · 02/01/2016 15:58

Age difference matters if one party is prone to being manipulative and controlling and the other is too inexperienced to see that coming, IMO.

I'd be bothered too, OP. Nothing you can do about it, but if you've seen a woman his contemporary floored by him, the idea of someone far greener and wet behind the ears being exposed isn't a nice one, no. I know I wouldn't have seen him coming at 19, myself.

Jux · 02/01/2016 17:50

There's a couple who live near us who have been married for 40+ years. She was 17 when she married him. He was 38. They are a magnificent partnership.

My dad's best friend held another friend's newborn dd in his arms when he himself was 18. Dad's bf married that bewborn when she was 18 (so by then he was 36). As they were my parents' best friends, I grew up having them as almost-parents, and their children were the same ages as me and my siblings. We were in and out of each others' houses all the time. They were very happily married until she died at 70 odd. That's over 50 years of a bloody good marriage.

From the outside it doesn't look great, but it can be really good.

guajiraguantanamera · 03/01/2016 01:51

I'm 25 and Dh is 44... Lol I was 22 when we got together and he was 41.
Best relationship I have ever had.

bogofeternalstench · 03/01/2016 02:08

My husband was 17 when we met and got together. I was 33. We're now 3 years in and happy as the proverbial Larry.

Sometimes age just doesn't come into it. My three long term relationships have been 15 years older than me, 2 years older and 16 years younger. I fall for the person, not the number of birthdays they've had.

As long as it's legal and they're happy, (and putting aside the allegations of abusiveness, which is a whole different ball game), you should just butt out and stop judging.

nooka · 03/01/2016 02:19

I'm in my mid 40s, so a little older than the chap in this scenario. My nephews are in their early 20s and the idea of dating someone their age just feels all sorts of wrong to me. They are very young, just starting out in life and quite vulnerable as a result. There is a 20 year age gap in this scenario and there is likely a significant power differential, the potential for that to be abused is concerning even without the history of this guy being a nasty piece of work.

furryblanket · 03/01/2016 03:18

My dad married my stepmum on his 40th. She'd just turned 19. Needless to say it didn't last. I wouldn't panic. I would, however, query her intentions more than his (no fool like an old fool etc). I remember a fleeting thought (a good few) years ago of 'when my SM was my age she was married to my dad!' Bleurgh

LittleBeautyBelle · 03/01/2016 03:38

I do think there are issues with people who do this--get together with someone a lot older or a lot younger. It's weird and I think a 19-20 year old young woman does not need to be with a 40 year old man. He has no business doing that, it's just for his ego and her youth and a sexual relationship, in my opinion. This is glaringly obvious and has been going on for ages, people who do this.

knobblyknee · 03/01/2016 03:42

All the stories are irrelevant as each case is different. In this case he is known to be controlling and abusive.

Ludoole · 03/01/2016 03:46

I was 18 and my husband almost 35 when we met. Best man ever!!!!
If they are both consenting adults and of sound mind then its nobody elses business!!!

differentnameforthis · 03/01/2016 03:52

Barely out of her teens? So in her 20s then?

Redglitter · 03/01/2016 04:19

Sp long as they're happy it's absolutely no one elses business. They're both adults so no its not inappropriate

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/01/2016 08:34

Basically this reads like you and your friend are pissed of her ex is now in a relationship with a much younger woman and want to find fault.

The abuse concerns you drip fed sound a bit like bollocks. If true surely that would be your primary concern not the age gap.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/01/2016 10:50

If he's controlling and abusive (which I'm sceptical about as it seems like a very convenient drip feed from the OP) then that's the main worry, not the age gap.

guajiraguantanamera · 03/01/2016 11:06

I'm so glad that my parents aren't
Like some of the people on here saying it's inappropriate etc..
I moved in with Dh when I was 23 and him 42, if his ex wife or her
Pals were acting like the op I would have laughed in their faces and told them that they were just jealous, luckily Dh ex wife has never made an issue of my age.

rogueantimatter · 03/01/2016 12:29

I'm glad you are happy with your partner guantanamera but the OP is posting on here deliberately so that she isn't acting like anything in RL.

Also, there's a significant difference between 19 and 23. A lot of growing up happens between those ages.

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