To think this is inappropriate

[woodenlofts]

My friends ex husband is nearly 40 and has a new girlfriend who is barely out of her teens.

I know they are both adults but still, it's a bit inappropriate surely? She's closer in age to his eldest child than she is to him.

2nd the OP says she was 19 when she moved in with him and he turns 40 this year. Bit different from 22 and 38, imo. Those extra couple of years do make a difference.

If it went longterm, I'd worry about the potential of becoming a carer or being widowed young. And if the younger person wanted children, having to do it with someone who might not have as much energy.

I appreciate life throws curve balls, so someone may end up as a carer in variety of circumstances, but in this situation it increases the likelihood.

There is a big age gap between my parents who have been married 55 years!
My Dad is now in his 90s Mum in her 70s

Big age gaps when you are older is very different. When you are 19, someone who is nearly 40 is much too old. I would judge him.

I was 18 and he was 15 years older than me.

It's worked well I'm in my 30's now and we're still happy together and his kids (early 20's) call me mum.

So that is not the issue. It sort of gets on my wick that people judge by age alone.

What you say much later is he has a history of abuse in past relationships. This is what you should have led with

Ha! My gran was 19 when she married my grandad. He was twenty years older. Happy together until one died.
Grandad was always sad after that.
Don't think you should even give it head space. It's Ageism.

"the situation as I see it is an almost 40 year old... with children of his own and a history of abusive behaviour..."

And that wasn't worth mentioning until page 2?

Nice drip feed.

I know a couple who are 42 and 26/27. I suspect they have different visions of the future, but for the time being it seems to make them both happy.

People make judgments here about age and also about the length of a relationship. Yes some people with big age gaps can be happy and not many underlying issues. Equally just because a marriage is long doesn't mean it's happy or healthy

I find it very ironic in this day and age, where we have rainbow flag epidemic on facebook, but the age difference is something to get knickers in a twist about.

I mean some couples with big age gaps can be happy and not have any underlying issues

wonder how it will work with her as a stepmum to a teenager nearly as old as her. Is the oldest c male or female ?

SOMETIMES this is fine - I know a couple with this kind of age gap.

But OFTEN I would expect that the relationship would be very unequal.

If I knew a guy who was 39 and deliberately looking for a 20 yr old I would judge.

wonder how it will work with her as a stepmum to a teenager nearly as old as her.
Can be pretty easy. Being nearly the same age means you don't have to take on parental role and all the shit that comes in that package.

I'd consider him a bit of a sleaze, too. If a mid-life grown-up can't find a suitable partner in his age range, something's odd. It's often nothing more than everyday misogyny & objectification mixed with vanity - which I find sleazy, no matter what other people say I should feel.

The fact of his abusive history makes me even less comfortable about it. As others say, though, wooden, all you can do is keep an eye open and offer appropriate support if things start to look like she needs it.

I think it very much Depends.

If he's not nice, and she's immature for her age, then I would be worried for her.

Being concerned about someone you're close to moving in with someone who has been previously abusive (although how do you know this.....) is a normal reaction.

That isn't anything to do with their ages though

He's my age.
There's no way I would date a 20 year old.

When I was 16 I started dating a 26 year old we had a couple of judgements but I have always been very mature for my age and we are still together now with 2 kids and getting married this year. I'm now 24 will be 25 in Feb and I have a 4 and a 2 year old so I had my first kid at 20 (both kids planned) Yes there is a 10 year age gap but you really wouldn't know it and we get on very well and have things in common so not always great to pass judgement on something when your just looking from the outside they may gel well together and are very happy. Don't know why people get their knickers in a twist about this stuff as long as they are happy and treated well surely that should be enough.

On the face of it, it's a bit sleazy and mid-life crisis-y and I don't imagine that her parents are thrilled about it, but it's not illegal and it's her choice. She might tire of him when a hot 24 year old guy gives her some attention - but if she doesn't, it shows that they're well-matched and make each other happy which is what's important. I hope that your mate is also socialising/dating, and not giving too much thought to them.

Just saw the abuse comment. How dreadful. Hope she ditches him at the first sign of it!

There is a massive difference between a concerned parent and a bitter ex.

Cant you just be happy that she is happy?

Better this than with some Fuckwit her own age who pisses his wage up the wall each weekend and wont help when they have dcs.

At the risk of sounding a bit Jane Austen - if the only cause for concern is the age gap then there should be no cause for concern at all.

If there are other issues - if you feel the relationship is abusive in any way, for example, then that's different.

I am 40 (I know, the horror!) and have colleagues between 18 & 65. It doesn't always follow that a 40 year old will be more mature and "grown up" than a 20 year old!

Sorry, I've just seen that there are abuse concerns.

In which case, your reservations should be about that rather than their ages shouldn't they?