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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward wedding family situation

245 replies

Pepper12 · 23/11/2015 22:16

Hello all sorry this may be long!
Backstory I have 2 brothers. Brother 1 is getting married in March. Been together a few years no dcs. Brother 2 married for years has 4 kids from 7 to 2 months.

Brother 1 has asked brother 2 eldest child to be flower girl as she was so excited about wedding. All fine and dandy-dress shoes etc bought last week. Invitations have now arrived and wording as follows ' we respectfully inform that with the exception niece and fiances niece no children will be permitted at the wedding'. Brother 2 wife has gone mad how dare her 3 other kids (who to be fair are 3,2 and a baby) be excluded hence the eldest is now banned from being flower girl. Brother 1 and fiancée have stood firm and explained that niece is old enough and others are too young. Fiancées niece being flower girl is an only child. Cue me getting phone calls from sil and two brothers all wanting an opinion ! Is it awful that I think your circus your monkeys? Grrrrr

OP posts:
TPel · 23/11/2015 22:21

What a shitty thing to do.

I wouldn't offer any opinions as it will come back and bite you. Some people act like dicks when planning weddings.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 23/11/2015 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishful80smontage · 23/11/2015 22:23

I would steer well clear too (but do think it should be kids welcome or not at all)

Hassled · 23/11/2015 22:24

Well I think Brother 1 and his fiancee are nuts a) because kids at weddings are great and b) because the 2 girls allowed to be there are going to be bored rigid. I can see B2's wife's POV completely.

But as you say, it's not your problem and it's their wedding. You're just going to have to become some sort of equivalent to Switzerland - maintain complete neutrality.

RoobyTuesday · 23/11/2015 22:26

Well I think they should have perhaps given your brother a heads up that no other children would be invited to the wedding instead of leaving him to find out on the invitation! That's a bit harsh, surely family can communicate better than this? Of course the other three kids will be very upset they can't go, especially if their elder sister is flower girl. I have three kids, the youngest is a baby. To be honest if we were invited to a close family members wedding and they said no kids I probably wouldn't go. Ultimately who exactly is expected to look after the kids all day if the rest of the family are at the wedding? Sounds like you shouldn't get involved, there is going to be a big falling out over this no doubt so probably best to let them get on with it.

Original poster
Pepper12 · 23/11/2015 22:26

Thanks guys, it's a tough one. sil is an odd one and does have form for cancelling things at the last minute and is all round difficult. Maybe it would be better if they just decided no kids!

OP posts:
lluh · 23/11/2015 22:27

I wouldn't attend the wedding at all. For me- weddings are a family celebration time.

That said if it is in a church or a registry office they can't stop anyone attending. So I would consider bringing hoards of unders 5s (only joking)

Bunbaker · 23/11/2015 22:29

He won't invite his own brother's other children Hmm

I'm with the wife. You can't ask half a family to the wedding. It is rude and stinks of me, me, me.

Some bridezillas and groomzillas are so up themselves.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 23/11/2015 22:30

I totally understand not wanting young children or babies at a wedding. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

However, they really should have had this discussion a long time ago and made it clear that they would be having a strict age limit on the children coming. It is very poor form to let family find out on the invites.

I can see from your other brothers perspective that it's a bit difficult to have one child involved and exclude the others (although to be fair, they probably won't even care at that age).

reni2 · 23/11/2015 22:30

It is a bit unpleasant to exclude some but not all nieces, I would keep as quiet as possible, I might say "yes it does sound unfair", but wouldn't go further. So YANBU, your circus, your monkeys as you say.

bluebolt · 23/11/2015 22:35

It should of been mentioned at the same time as the request for niece to be a flower girl so they could have made a decision as a family. Feel sorry for the niece

Original poster
Pepper12 · 23/11/2015 22:36

Brother who is getting married told me eldest niece asked hi if the others were going (set up by mum). He apparently told her in front of her mum no as the others are too young! Complicated web!

OP posts:
crispytruffle · 23/11/2015 22:36

I accept some people may not want children at their wedding. However, to include one but not the others without any prior discussion beforehand seems a crappy thing to do. I would probably express that if asked and then let them all get on with it!

LaurieFairyCake · 23/11/2015 22:37

The other children are too young to care at all

The issue is that it's rude as now the parents of the kids not invited have to find alternative childcare for a baby or not go. I just wouldn't go.

Heatherplant · 23/11/2015 22:40

You got it in one, not your circus not your monkeys. Sit back and let them argue it out among themselves .

HamaTime · 23/11/2015 22:43

Brother 2 has to find childcare for 3 children under and doesn't even gain the advantage of a piss up child free wedding? Sod that. I think child free weddings are fine, just so long as you don't expect people with kids to go to them.

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 23/11/2015 22:44

Oh that's rotten. For sure it's up to them who they invite, kids/no kids whatever, but not to have let people know before now is really off.

Baby sitters for the ones not included could be a challenge if most of the likely candidates are at the wedding, especially when they're so little, but if they don't go presumably flower girl niece will be upset - all completely avoidable if discussed in advance. The parents could have declined her being a flower girl without her ever knowing and getting excited about it.

If I was bother 2's wife I wouldn't go, and would let brother 2 go on his own if he wants - but that depends on how far away the wedding is and how she feels about being left home alone with the kids.

BYOSnowman · 23/11/2015 22:47

If people don't want kids at their wedding that's fine - but they shouldn't get pissy if the parents don't come because of it.

Tbh, brother 1 will end up feeling a bit of a knob when he has his own kids (if he does).

But this isn't your argument - neither side are being unreasonable - they just have views on opposite ends of the spectrum.

I don't think this is indicative of sil being odd - but may well justify in her mind that her in laws aren't worth bothering with

lorelei9 · 23/11/2015 22:47

I've no objection to saying "no children"
But to say "no children but may I borrow one of yours for ornamental purposes while the others can't attend" is just so not classy. FFS if it's no kids, it's no kids. What an odd thing to do.

serin · 23/11/2015 22:47

It's their wedding, if they choose to act like prats that's up to them.

Feel really sorry for the little flower girl.

Who is meant to look after the other children?

willconcern · 23/11/2015 22:52

I think brother 1 & fiancee are being awful. Agree entirely with your SIL. I wouldn't want to go if I was her.

JoMalones · 23/11/2015 22:54

Totally agree with lorelei9 - all or none! I can see that the SIL to be just wants two pretty little girls in the photos and that's it but she needs to remember that the other three are family!

lluh · 23/11/2015 22:55

if I was your brother. I would turn up with entire family for ceremony. let her be the flower girl and then leave with all my children. Where is the service taking place?

BlueJug · 23/11/2015 23:07

I'm with the wedding couple. How lovely for the niece. The 3yr,2yr and 7 mth baby won't know either way. Parents will have a child free day.

No disruption at the wedding. Poor little niece - not allowed to go because her Mum says no.

I remember being a bridesmaid at about 8. My brothers were young - and didn't go to the wedding. They don't remember. I will never forget how special I felt.

StompyFreckles · 23/11/2015 23:10

I think all of your brother's children should be invited - all or none.