Awkward wedding family situation

[Pepper12]

Hello all sorry this may be long!
Backstory I have 2 brothers. Brother 1 is getting married in March. Been together a few years no dcs. Brother 2 married for years has 4 kids from 7 to 2 months.

Brother 1 has asked brother 2 eldest child to be flower girl as she was so excited about wedding. All fine and dandy-dress shoes etc bought last week. Invitations have now arrived and wording as follows ' we respectfully inform that with the exception niece and fiances niece no children will be permitted at the wedding'. Brother 2 wife has gone mad how dare her 3 other kids (who to be fair are 3,2 and a baby) be excluded hence the eldest is now banned from being flower girl. Brother 1 and fiancée have stood firm and explained that niece is old enough and others are too young. Fiancées niece being flower girl is an only child. Cue me getting phone calls from sil and two brothers all wanting an opinion ! Is it awful that I think your circus your monkeys? Grrrrr

Snowman, I so agree.

Fine, don't invite my children, totally up to you. But don't make out it is for my benefit, so I can "let my hair down".

Newsflash - I am perfectly capable of deciding when and where I want to let my hair down, and if I want to do so at your wedding even though you have invited my children as well, then I am also capable of deciding to decline the invitation on their behalf and attending without them!

I don't need your permission to "let my hair down" or "have a night off".

Just say that you don't want children there, but don't patronise your guests. If they don't want their children there, then the won't bring them.

Either invite kids or don't -it's up to the bride and groom if they want that type of wedding or not, and it's up to the parents to decide if they are able to sort out childcare and go, or can't and don't attend. However, inviting some kids and not others is unfair. My friend did this - no kids were allowed, even a mutual friend who couldn't leave her baby was told sorry, but that's the rule. Then it turned out that her niece and nephew were at the wedding and reception!

I think having close family kids only is fine. They are kids the b&g have a relationship with whereas they may have never met their friends kids

Going against the grain, I'm with the wedding couple. They can invite whoever they hell they like. Equally they need to be gracious when people with children can't come.

The flower girl's parents come off the worst here, for me. One of them goes with her so she can do the thing she's excited about, the other stays home and looks after the kids that are too young to give a shit whether they're invited to a wedding or not!

They don't think that through AT ALL.

I wouldn't get all resentful, but I would reserve the right to think they were silly billies, who will one day, in a rush of embarrassment, realise how thoughtless they were.

My just turned three yo was excited for months before her uncles wedding. And just because a kid doesn't look forward to something doesn't mean they won't enjoy it at the time (one yo birthday parties anyone!)

To me this isn't about kids vs no kids. It's the active splitting of a family.

And given the undercurrent of dislike for sil it wouldn't surprise me if this has been done to punish her - although op may not want to admit that as a possibility!!

So many weddings I've been to lately have felt like I'm an unpaid extra in their day rather than an invited guest.

Any news on if it is local/in a church?
If it is then one option would be to let dn be the flower girl she has been promised and all attend the ceremony (public so no invite needed) then leave as a family afterwards.
Just brother or brother and niece will be so awkward. Everyone will be saying where is sil and asking where the other children are.

I could be very mean and say go with one parent, let her do her flower girl thing but have to go home before the photos. The bride and groom have photos then that are not quite complete....just like the brother who doesn't get his complete family!

Zoe - of course they can invite whoever they like, but in the same way, many adults would be offended if their sibling was invited to a family wedding but they weren't, or it would be considered very rude to invite one half of a married couple to a wedding, it's very rude to the not invited children to invite their sibling but not them. It does make it look like they only want the one who'll be a prop.

Of course they can invite who they want, but you can't just invite one of 4 siblings and expect the parents to view that as anything other than a slight against their other 3 children.

And if someone is prepared to insult 3 of your children, why would you want to go to their wedding or expose your 'favoured' DC to them? (It's always repeated on here that 'favourite' children are also damaged by the favouritism. 7 years old is old enough to realise you are being singled out from amongst your siblings.)

Really don't get why people whine on about kids having to be invited to weddings.
No, they don't. Either get babysitters and go and enjoy yourself, take the hump and all sulk at home instead, or one of you go and the other adult stays at home with the children they refuse to leave for a day.
It's not rocket science.

Dontstop, but that's not what this thread is about. It's not a child free wedding, it's the photogenic children welcome, others not. The B&G could have said no children and it wouldn't be rude. (although with the youngest DN being only a couple of months old now, unlikely the SIL would come to the wedding/stay long). Inviting just one of 4 siblings is shitty.

Its funny how many people are saying "I didn't have children at my wedding" yet noone else has said "oh, I only invited 1 of my 5 DNs and everyone thought it was fine." Everyone seems to invite no children, all children or all of the same level (eg family children only, or babes in arms only).

Kids don't have to be invited - but finding childcare is not always easier - especially with a young baby or if you have a lot of kids or if it's not local! It's not always a choice to decline the invite.

Most of my friends don't know my kids so I would never expect them to be invited. However, I would not expect my friends to get pissy with me if I couldn't go/could only go for some of the day.

Dh's siblings fully involved the kids in their weddings and it was really lovely. I suppose it depends how keen An auntie or uncle you are

Absolutely snowman, and dontstop this is about only inviting some of the children, absolutely fine to either invite or not but choosing favourites is unfair.

why do you think people stay at home? Certainly not to sulk. I will have a much better day not as an extra in some wedding, but to enjoy myself with my family. I'm not sure why wedding equals enjoyment whereas stay with family equals sulk. Perhaps it's the other way round!

It's not a child free wedding, it's the photogenic children welcome, others not.

Really? The OP has said that the bride has invited the pretty children (child, actually) only? I thought it was because she was flower-girl age and the others not.

A three yo can make a wonderful flower girl but then the bride doesn't get her matching bookends of a 7 year old from each side

This is an interesting thread; I had no idea how widespread is the umbrage against childfree weddings.

In this case I do think the ire over inviting one sibling and not the others is misplaced. There is a vast difference in ability, decorum and stamina between a 7-year-old and toddlers/babies. The little ones won't remember or know the difference if the adults don't make a big deal out of it to them -- after all, she goes to school and other activities without them, doesn't she? Why would this be any different? Has there literally never been a time that the little ones were left home with a sitter while mom, dad and older sis did something together?

Also disagree that having two young girls in the wedding party makes this a non-childfree wedding. It's still a childfree event other than the wedding party, and there are a lot of other differences between the wedding party and the general guest list as well, from duties to attire to seating arrangements. You can't really conflate the two. And the insinuation that the girls were only invited for their cuteness or photogenic qualities is pretty grim.

I do think the b&g should have made the terms of the invitation clear much earlier to the OP and her husband, but I do not think there is anything wrong with their guest list.

In my extended family there are few children. Neither my sister and I had kids, and of seven cousins (all now in 40s and 50s so it's pretty much a done deal) only three have kids -- so six out of nine of us are childfree and we just aren't a very childcentric group. We enjoy holidays, weddings and other get-togethers but there is a clear distinction between casual child-friendly events like daytime BBQs and adult-only cocktail parties, wedding receptions and the like.

As the eldest of 6 it was frequently a no kids invite for my parents which when we were younger was impossible for the most part. But the one that made me laugh was talking to a cousin that married a bit older (ie when all the kids in our family were over 20) and invites were sent out and on the invite it was specific about no children. M&D assumed it meant just them - we all just went along with it - after all their day etc and assumed they were just inviting Aunty and Uncle. Well the next family get together they were talking about the wedding and were innocuously asked by a brother or sister of the cousin whilst he was stood there, you were there weren't you? (sister and myself) and we just said oh no, it was a no kids invite so M&D just went by themselves - well the Cousin that married was stunned and said but we meant kid kids not adult kids, of course you were invited! We just looked at each other and burst out laughing as did they then. Luckily we are not a family to take umbrage at this kind of stuff

Its their day they can do as they please and so can DB and SIL, If little girl misses out that is sad but frankly as others have said she doesn't have to but SIL needs to let go and let rellies take her or her Hubby

well I think to insist your SIL stays at home with a small baby is not going to enhance relations. A wedding is usually family orientated? Is that not why you invite your family? Are the children not family?

It does seem to have changed these days however. Weddings used to be family events but now they seem on the level of a posh Christmas works party.

A three yo can make a wonderful flower girl but then the bride doesn't get her matching bookends of a 7 year old from each side

Don't you think you're inferring an awful lot in saying that the bride wants 'matching bookends' in the form of 2x7 year olds? Ditto the photogenic/chosen children. To read some of these posts I'd think you know and hate the bride.

It does not really matter which side of the fence you are on or you can see both sides the two brothers relationship will be slightly different now. Even if the brother and the niece go or the wedding couple change their mind it will not be the relationship it was a few weeks ago.

Definitely make like Switzerland on this one! Personally I hate this "exceptions" rule. All kids or no kids. End of.

Hmm. You do need to invite small and/or ebf babies if you want their mothers to be there, though. It's not quite the same as with a toddler or older child. I didn't have a childfree wedding myself and wouldn't be interested in one, so I'm maybe not the best person to speak about the etiquette of them, but I don't think making exceptions for babies is a bad thing..

Yes I was being facetious there - although I stand by 3yo being fab flower girls

(Although I do know someone who picked her bridesmaids based on them all looking similar (height, hair, build) and managed to alienate the one sister not included and her best friend of 20 years despite taking the effort to explain to them that 'they just didn't fit')

I stand by what I said. Some people have weird ideas as to what constitutes family. How do they think families are created in the first place?

Also agree the guests are honouring the bride and groom not vice versa.

Generally think the uk is very anti children outside their 'designated areas' never understood this. (And yes I'm a native).

I couldn't stay neutral entirely on this. I'd be saying to the groom while yes his and brides choice on who to invite they need to understand the consequences and that people attending the wedding (and learning that they effectively split a nuclear family for the event) are gonna probably think badly of them (evidenced by the responses on this thread even from those who think child free weddings ok).

Personally I think they're a pair that deserve nobody going to their wedding!

Loved the suggestion of withdrawing the niece from the photos but wouldn't like that done for the child's sake. How about charging the b&g a 'modelling fee' for 'use' of the child seeing as that seems to eg their only interest in having her there?!

We're not having my nephews/nieces to our ceremony and wedding breakfast. Though our two dc will be there (6 & 10) but will be the only children in the wedding party.

There are 14 of them under 12, all fairly young. Most would be absolutely lovely all the way through - but there are 3 who would without any doubt - run around, shout, break things and refuse to sit down. These are not toddlers and no SN just their personalities.
So for that reason we have asked my siblings if they can only bring young babies/toddlers (the ones they really can't leave) to the ceremony and meal, but that all children can come to the evening reception.

I am lucky that my siblings are understanding and tbh know how these 3 children can be - so we are trying to be as fair as possible and not just single them out. The nephews/nieces don't seem to mind as they get to go to the party after and babysitters aren't an issue as each sibling is using their usual one.

It's not ideal and I feel bad about excluding the children during the day (there will be no other children attending either). Shouting out or crying is fine - but I'm genuinely worried about damage and disruption throughout the sit down dinner if they came.