Awkward wedding family situation

[Pepper12]

Hello all sorry this may be long!
Backstory I have 2 brothers. Brother 1 is getting married in March. Been together a few years no dcs. Brother 2 married for years has 4 kids from 7 to 2 months.

Brother 1 has asked brother 2 eldest child to be flower girl as she was so excited about wedding. All fine and dandy-dress shoes etc bought last week. Invitations have now arrived and wording as follows ' we respectfully inform that with the exception niece and fiances niece no children will be permitted at the wedding'. Brother 2 wife has gone mad how dare her 3 other kids (who to be fair are 3,2 and a baby) be excluded hence the eldest is now banned from being flower girl. Brother 1 and fiancée have stood firm and explained that niece is old enough and others are too young. Fiancées niece being flower girl is an only child. Cue me getting phone calls from sil and two brothers all wanting an opinion ! Is it awful that I think your circus your monkeys? Grrrrr

My idiot brother had a child free wedding apart from his own children, I didn't go because I have children, my mother refused to go as I couldn't go and then I heard that they had to look after their own children at the actual wedding as every else had arranged baby sitters and wanted to have a few drinks (and not look after their badly behaved little darlings )

"Mum misses it because she's bf a baby who's not invited
2yo misses it because they're not invited
3yo misses it because they're not invited
7yo misses it because it would be unfair
Dad goes because he wants as much peace as possible"

Yup, it looks as if it has been engineered to exclude SIL, doesn't it?

Part of me thinks the brother shouldn't be going because of the shit way his family has been treated.

It does seem to be more about excluding sil than excluding the three younger ones

Yes, that is nonsense about it being really simple to get babysitters for three children, including a baby, for an entire day and evening. Especially when it's a family wedding and your usual babysitters are probably at the wedding. And if you were paying the babysitter it would cost a fortune for all that time.

The SIL is an adult and can cope with disappointment, the DD7 is just a child. Surely the difference between them is obvious.

I have never said the DB2 who is getting married has been anything other than unreasonable.

I haven't said it's not a big deal or that it's fine for SIL. It sucks for her. But surely the difference between her disappointment and that of a 7 year old is obvious.

However, I really fail to see why Dad is still going if DD7 can't. Surely if she goes with him that gets at least one child off SIL's hands and she doesn't have to worry about entertaining the disappointed 7 year old along with the others.

But if the view is that DB2 and fiancee have been so unreasonable that DD should not go, then absolutely the Dad should not be going. He should be at home looking after his little ones with SIL in those circumstances.

Hmmm I have to disagree with you a bit hayde. I don't find it obvious at all. I wouldn't really want to my DD to be the sort of child who would be crushed to the point of it being genuinely damaging by not being able to be a flower girl... It shouldn't be world ending. It isn't world ending for SIL either but it is annoying for all concerned really.

Hmmmm.

My dd is a very non-spoiled 7 year old. Her teachers tell me how mature she is and how she just "gets on with things". She has not been brought up to have her way in everything. She would be very sad if told she was to be a flower girl and had the dress bought only to later be told she wasn't going due to "unfairness" to little siblings. But Dad can still go.

Some 7 year olds might genuinely not mind one way or the other.

But this little girl was asked to be a flower girl "because she was so excited about it" (the wedding).

I hardly ever get involved in argue-y threads, but keep coming back to this one in the hope that the OP might say something to her brother.

I'm sure she would be a bit upset and maybe the BIL and SIL are being a bit over zealous by stopping her, but I do think some of the posts on here are a bit OTT. She'll get over it. She's 7. It's not being able to be a flower girl - no one will die.

My own 7yo would be upset at not being a flower girl, but like many 7yo's she also has a very strong sense of justice which I would appeal to and I am sure she would understand.

This 7yo non-flower girl will surely not be a selfish and thoughtless bridezilla upsetting her family in the hunt for a perfect day like this in years to come.

But it isn't "justice" for a 7 year old to be deprived of something she was looking forward to because her much younger siblings aren't invited. It's an injustice if anything.

Fair treatment of siblings does not mean the same treatment. Treating a 7 year old the same way as you treat a 3,2 or 0 year old is not fair.

TBH, you are right reni in that if this were my family DD would be sad that her little brother (I only have the two - 7 and 21 months) couldn't go. She might volunteer not to go for his sake. She is extremely kind, and like your DD has a strong sense of justice (teachers and other Mums have also mentioned this!) But I would be reassuring her that it was fine, and that she should have a nice day with Daddy.

I realise this SIL has three little ones where I only have 1. No doubt much harder to look after for the day. But that won't be made any better by keeping the 7 year old at home as well. It would only be made better if Dad didn't go either.

I don't, for instance, put my DD to bed at the same time as DS. I don't only take her to activities DS can join in on (although obviously we do a lot of these).

As a total aside, and irrelevance, I have been thinking how hard it must be to have 4 DC, with the youngest three so close together! So lots of sympathy for DB1 and SIL generally. I'm sticking with 2.

Obviously you are right no one will day, ofall.

But it just seems like an odd solution, the worst of all worlds if you like, for DB1 to go and DD to stay home.

Die, not day.

It's an odd solution I agree. It's just odd all round tbh.

That's true, ofall it is odd all round. I must get my beak out of this situation that doesn't actually involve me at all and do some work!

Procrastination? Much?

PS - it may be I am over involved because I am imagining the child as my DD, and knowing how little of a stuff DS would give at not being invited!

I'm wondering what the SIL would be advised to do in this case?

Send her husband & daughter/husband/request that no one goes?

It's interesting because when my two did their 'child attendant' duties at weddings the youngest was just 3 and the second time almost 4. They loved doing it together and ds was a very proud big brother too (although he was surreptitiously nicking half her confetti during the service!)

I guess some people feel sorry for the 7yo but I feel sorry for the 3yo as my dd adored being flower girl!

I guess a lot of this depends on the personality of the 3 year old. And none of us know that.

I am imagining what DS will probably be like in a year or so, and feeling that he would still probably not care. But that's his personality. DD aged three didn't have an older sibling so hard to know what she would think. But their three year old might be entirely different.

I do wish they had just invited everyone now and saved all this worry. I notice that OP is long gone and we are just discussing it amongst ourselves!

I'm so glad I was not a bridezilla and invited all children of invitees.

We look back and call our wedding "don't tell the bride or groom" because we left such a lot of the choices to my parents (with their agreement)!

Well we don't know any of the people involved as the op hasn't given us a huge amount of detail

And whilst 7yo is said to have been really looking forward to it we
A) don't know if op is exaggerating because she disagrees with sil pulling her out
B) sil is exaggerating to try and make b&g feel bad