Awkward wedding family situation

[Pepper12]

Hello all sorry this may be long!
Backstory I have 2 brothers. Brother 1 is getting married in March. Been together a few years no dcs. Brother 2 married for years has 4 kids from 7 to 2 months.

Brother 1 has asked brother 2 eldest child to be flower girl as she was so excited about wedding. All fine and dandy-dress shoes etc bought last week. Invitations have now arrived and wording as follows ' we respectfully inform that with the exception niece and fiances niece no children will be permitted at the wedding'. Brother 2 wife has gone mad how dare her 3 other kids (who to be fair are 3,2 and a baby) be excluded hence the eldest is now banned from being flower girl. Brother 1 and fiancée have stood firm and explained that niece is old enough and others are too young. Fiancées niece being flower girl is an only child. Cue me getting phone calls from sil and two brothers all wanting an opinion ! Is it awful that I think your circus your monkeys? Grrrrr

By not inviting the 2 month old your brother has effectively disinvited sil so I'm not surprised she is upset

I'm with your SIL. Either all kids or no kids, and whatever you do, don't ask your niece to be flower girl and then when it's all done and dusted, announce "oh by the way you can't bring your other kids" at the last minute, leaving them to either have to disappoint their daughter or to try and somehow find childcare for three under four. Do the wedding couple have a habit of being drama llamas?

The three year old might not remember but I know mine would be very upset at not going to a wedding. Parents won't have a child free day because they'll have one child at the wedding. They're also expected to find childcare for the others. In my family all my childcare would be at the wedding so one of us would have to stay at home.

Bluejug - they won't be child free as they will have their seven year old! And I can't imagine finding child care for three under four, including a young baby, is easy

"I'm with the wedding couple."

Are you the fiancee?
Don't you realise how rude they have been?
You can't invite one child and then uninvite the others.
Do children really children "disrupt" weddings?

I have been to several weddings where there were children and none of the weddings were disrupted at all.

I still remember how bitter and upset I felt about going home after the ceremony of a wedding when my older cousins got to go to the reception. I was 4. Some kids remember!

I've always found it hard enough to get wedding childcare for one kid, let alone 3 tiny ones.

OP, there is no way you can win here. Be Switzerland.

Parents will have a child free day.

Apart from their 7 year old?

Re the two month old - how old will baby be by the time of the wedding?

One psycho bride I know wouldn't allow her fiances son at their wedding. They are now divorced.

Pepper you are perfectly at liberty not to get involved and to say it is not your place to say, but in your shoes I am afraid I would have to tell brother 1 and his finance that their stand on this is ludicrous and very sad. They are disenfranchising the brother/brother in law and his wife and the four kids for what! To save a bit of money, because the kids might make noise, because they are too young to what...enjoy it... understand it... who cares! All very sad and pointless and a really bad start to a marriage to begin with a wedding and potentially a family estrangement!

I, like most people here, always say it is the bride and grooms choice to have the wedding their way, and it still is, but it also the sister in law and kids right to choose not to come and if brother one wanted it this way he should have been very clear from the start to at least avoid this degree of problems!

If the wedding is March then baby will only be 6 months.

Is it local to you op or are hotels/travel involved?

I'd be hurt brother has excuded my nieces and nephews and also had no thought for eldest niece's feelings or childcare logisitics.

What do your parents think?

If I was Brother 2/SIL I'd think declining would be best all round. It's going to be so awkward if just brother or brother and niece go. People will ask where the rest of their family is.

Oof don't get involved.

I think it's horrible of your brother to exclude his own nieces (and nephews?) from the wedding. It's also very sad for the little girl who was meant to be flower girl. I think I'd have one parent take her to do her flower girl thing and then leave before the reception.

I wouldn't be going either. I genuinely don't mind a child free wedding but your own niece's and nephew's... come on!!!

It was a bit underhand of your brother to tell the dd In front of her Mum like that . It sounds a little as if you and your db are somehow blaming the mother for this mess - suggesting that she coached her dd to ask. why didnt your db just tell them their plans to begin with?

What a strange situation. Surely Brother 1 and fiancee must have known this would cause upset? Don't understand not wanting your own nieces and nephews there either. Other children I can understand but not close family like that.

My 2 year old niece would definitely be aware. She had a tantrum that lasted HOURS when her older sister got invited to a party and she couldn't go. She'd already picked out the dress she was going to wear and she was not best pleased. Screamed, cried, then stared at the wall and refused to speak to anybody. I dread to think what her reaction would be if it was a wedding. It wouldn't be pretty.

I don't envy your position OP but I would suggest that Brother 1 needs to tread very carefully as I could see this potentially causing a massive rift that lasts a while. Have your parents said anything about it?

The other children are too young to care at all

I disagree. At 3, my ds2 would have been fairly upset at ds1 going to a big event like this that he wasn't. Especially depending on how old the 3 year old is...an about to turn 4 year old is completely different from a dc that has only just gone 3 and has much more awareness.

I think it's a shitty thing to do. Child free weddings - fine. Only inviting some dc from one family - not fine IMO.

I know people are saying dont get involved, but I disagree.

I wouldnt fuel the fire on all sides but I would say to the Groom Brother that he and his DW2B are being asses and causing a huge fallout that neednt happen. That a) you dont invite one child from a famiy and not all the kids b) where exactly are the parents to find childcare from ,especially a 6 month old who could very well still be being breastfed at the time and c) do they realise that the biggest issue they will have at their wedding is pissed up adults and not excited cute kids?

Then step away. Someone needs to tell them that they are being arseholes about this, then if they choose to ignore and an explosive family argument ensues, they cant say that they werent warned. I would also be asking your parents/other sibs etc to tell them too.

They need to understand that it is them that is the problem not SIL, the more people who tell them that, the better.

What kind of idiot is brother 1 not to realise this would be a massive problem? Brother 2 and family would be quite right to ditch the whole thing. You do what you want but that's what I'd say about it.

What an unholy mess! The 7yo will be really hurt at having her chance of being a flower girl snatched away, especially since the dress etc has been bought - giving permission and then revoking it is not good and a child is being punished for the actions of an adult.

The brother has not managed the situation at all well, he's caused a lot of pain and upset directly and indirectly.

I agree with Bro2's wife, but I don't think it's fair to involve you in it.

Do you have children who won't be attending, Op? That's the only reason I'd imagine she'd be calling on you.

Childfree weddings are norm in my circle so no one would bar an eye. And to those saying toddlers would be disappointed-how would they even know to be disappointed? as kids a lot older than that, we certainly were not consulted about what events did and did not include us. We were informed shortly before that babysitter x would be taking care of us Saturday night and what fun things she would do with us.

That said the parents of flower girl should have been told earlier that it was otherwise childfree.

how would they even know to be disappointed?

Well mainly because their big sister has been bought a lovely new outfit and will be spirited away to an event that will probably have been talked about within the family, to which the little ones now cannot go. The three year old would definitely wonder why there were not going anymore, my (now) 4 year old would have picked up on it at that age.

Also, this isnt a childfree wedding, it is a wedding with 2 children in attendance. If it was 100% childfree then fair enough, but it isnt. Its bad enough when you are invited to a "childfree" wedding and find out that others have been allowed to bring theirs when you have had to get a sitter. But when the line between those allowed and those not allowed to attend is drawn through your own offspring, how on earth can anyone expect there not to be ructions?!

So the couple getting married have basically said "we want a child to look nice in the photos, but other than that we aren't interested".

I cant help wondering if the B&G are thinking that the 2 flower girls will entertain each other, therefore will be no problem and need minimal care.

Even if the girls have met before, they could well be at daggers drawn on the day if there is a hint of competition about being the "star". Add into that tiredness, nerves and missing their usual playmates.....this has the potential to be a complete nightmare.

Aren't babes in arms allowed normally, even if it's child free?

Either invite all related kids or no related kids.

Is it a small wedding? Sounds like a ploy to keep things as cheap as possible. Or the new wife having a warped sense of fairness.