Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward wedding family situation

245 replies

Pepper12 · 23/11/2015 22:16

Hello all sorry this may be long!
Backstory I have 2 brothers. Brother 1 is getting married in March. Been together a few years no dcs. Brother 2 married for years has 4 kids from 7 to 2 months.

Brother 1 has asked brother 2 eldest child to be flower girl as she was so excited about wedding. All fine and dandy-dress shoes etc bought last week. Invitations have now arrived and wording as follows ' we respectfully inform that with the exception niece and fiances niece no children will be permitted at the wedding'. Brother 2 wife has gone mad how dare her 3 other kids (who to be fair are 3,2 and a baby) be excluded hence the eldest is now banned from being flower girl. Brother 1 and fiancée have stood firm and explained that niece is old enough and others are too young. Fiancées niece being flower girl is an only child. Cue me getting phone calls from sil and two brothers all wanting an opinion ! Is it awful that I think your circus your monkeys? Grrrrr

OP posts:
Jux · 24/11/2015 09:29

Perhaps, as SIL is 'difficult', they see this as good way of not having her there being difficult? She'll have to stay home with the other children, and brother 2 and child can go.

TBH, I don't really understand these sort of weddings. The weddings I've been to have included everyone, especially children. It's a family event, isn't it?

ofallthenerve · 24/11/2015 09:31

I tend to agree with bacon about child-free weddings, but each to their own. I hate them personally. They seem to be the norm now though I can't understand why. If I want a grown up night out without my DC I probably won't choose spend it at a wedding with a bunch of people I don't know while the bride and groom are rushed off their feet so I won't even see them really.

Also agree weddings are getting more and more expensive to attend. We've been invited to a child free wedding in Italy next year. I know it's not a summons and I can just turn down the invite but do feel pressured to attend despite the costs and need to somehow find childcare. Sounds so unappealing to me as I will know a handful of guests and will not just be spending the day with them but several days as it's abroad. Would rather stay home with DC tbh.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 24/11/2015 09:33

I don't think I could stay Switzerland in this situation as this could have wide spread ramifications for your whole family. I'd have to tell your brother the groom that he had been a total dick and he risks a massive fall out with his supposed nearest and dearest over this. Can't believe how tacky some people can be. Family is so important and I hope your brother and his fiancé realise this before it's too late.

Helloitsme15 · 24/11/2015 09:35

By excluding the baby, they are excluding SIL - and they know it.
I can just about understand that you may not want friends children at a wedding due to cost and seating restrictions, but your own family surely should make the list.
My PIL got married and firstly told us we weren't invited, then told us we could come but the kids couldn't (we declined), and then two weeks before the event said we could all come. So we went, but by that time any good will we had was extremely diluted.
People who use what is supposed to be a joyful family event to play petty politics should be kicked firmly up the arse.

MerryMarigold · 24/11/2015 09:36

I can see SIL 2 is a difficult type, but I kind of admire her. If it were me, I'd say, "Ok then, dd can go with dh and I'll look after the kids" and still resent it for ages.

I do think it's very unreasonable that they didn't discuss it earlier, and now that it's kicked off, they are not changing their policy on it. People do things without thinking, especially if they don't have kids, and maybe they didn't think it through very well. Now they can see the ramifications but still dig their heels in...well, sorry, but I think you have another difficult SIL coming up!

BadLad · 24/11/2015 09:38

No-one likes child-free events more than I do, but even I think db1 is being unreasonable here.

I think I'd just say something along the lines of "Personally I'd have had all of db2's children at the wedding but it's not up to me". Make the point without explicitly criticizing.

diddl · 24/11/2015 09:40

What is your brother intending to do, OP?

Go on his own?

Jhm9rhs · 24/11/2015 09:42

I think the couple are acting idiotically.

That said, personally I wouldn't tell the little girl she couldn't be a flower girl at this point.

If I were you, I'd try to keep out of it completely x

chillycurtains · 24/11/2015 09:44

Oh that's not a good situation all round. I can completely understand your B2's wife. That is sucky not inviting the other children. It's very rude and unkind. That needed a conversation way before the eldest was asked to be a flower girl. B1 and fiance have really brought this on themselves.

However at this point in time I would let my daughter be flower girl as with the age gaps of the children she will be the only one who will miss out and be upset. The others won't remember and could be talked around and spoilt by other grandparents with a treat somewhere else on the wedding day maybe?

Perhaps a solution could be that the younger ones come to the evening and B1 and new wife make the effort to have a few photos with all the family.

I really hope it gets sorted and doesn't spoil the wedding in anyway.

DatingFun · 24/11/2015 09:51

I think it's fine for B2 and wife to not invite children to the wedding. They should however have made it clear well in advance, especially to B1 and B1s wife, that their eldest daughter was the only one who'd be invited.

BYOSnowman · 24/11/2015 09:52

It's lovely seeing your child be flower girl but her mum won't see it because they have effectively excluded her by not inviting baby.

Also, is the wedding local to them or are there travelling issues?

When I got married my mum gave me the advice that the people we were inviting were our guests and we should remember that they are doing is an honour by attending and make life easy for them

Too many couples seem to think they are honouring you by inviting you to their wedding.

diddl · 24/11/2015 09:54

That's the thing though-they haven't not invited kids-they've picked & chosen-horrible thing to do imo.

heyimonlyhuman · 24/11/2015 09:58

My brother and his wife got married and had a no children wedding. My son was 4 or 5 at the time and I remember feeling really upset that they had "excluded" him (my two sisters don't have kids).

After the initial upset, I got over myself, realised it was their wedding and their decision. My son went to stay with (other) family and we went to the wedding and made a child-free weekend of it and had a great time.

So I would say relax and let them have the day they want. Your tiny babies won't remember (or care) and the flower girl will have a lovely time.

DinosaursRoar · 24/11/2015 10:00

Lorelei nailed it on the first page with: But to say "no children but may I borrow one of yours for ornamental purposes while the others can't attend" is just so not classy. FFS if it's no kids, it's no kids.

Let's face it, that is what they are doing - they really don't see nieces and nephews as close enough family that they should be at the wedding, which would be fine, but it does smack of picking the most photogenic ones to take part so they can pretend they are involved Aunt/Uncle.

Not inviting children, fine. Only inviting close family children, fine. Picking the close family children who'll look pretty in your photos and only inviting them, insulting. Waiting until after the flower girl dress has been bought and invites been sent and not telling your brother and SIL that you are snubbing some of their DCs, cowardly.

diddl · 24/11/2015 10:02

" I would let my daughter be flower girl as with the age gaps of the children she will be the only one who will miss out and be upset."

That's why it's so nasty & manipulative of them.

They are relying on them not wanting to upset their daughter imo.

Hence they get their own way & more than likely no SIL to boot-win win.

The couple might not even be that bothered about the niece being a flower girl, they might just have asked her as she seemed excited/interested.

So they really don't have anything to lose either way & the SIL ends up being the baddy.

They really have put her in an impossible position & I think that your brother should be declining for all of them.

Letustryagain · 24/11/2015 10:02

We said no children at our wedding EXCEPT FOR FAMILY.

In our case it was purely numbers as we could only seat 70 for a sit down meal and if we'd let all our friends bring their children, we would have to have left out other friends altogether.

Everyone was invited for the evening though, kids included.

There is no way I wouldn't have allowed all my nieces, nephews, cousins etc to be there.

LagunaBubbles · 24/11/2015 10:03

It's not up your own arse to want a child free wedding hmm Not everyone has or wants kids, their presence doesn't define family

If people wish a child free wedding then of course that's their choice. But these children are the grooms own nieces and nephews. If they dont want their own nieces and nephews there (apart from the one chocsen to be flowergirl that will look cute in their photos obviously!), again its their choice - but they have to be prepared for any family consequences that may arise. Its very short sighted and a bit "me me me". Yes its "their" day but if you dont think of your guests then why have them? Just get married with 2 witnesses then.

SarahSavesTheDay · 24/11/2015 10:08

We said no children at our wedding EXCEPT FOR FAMILY.

And then naturally your guests found their way to MN to write a seething thread about the temerity of a bride who would exclude their children (forcing them to seek the services of a babysitter! oh my!) and include others.

DinosaursRoar · 24/11/2015 10:10

oh god OP, have you thought through what this could mean for you too? If your SIL2B has hit bridezilla stage of viewing her DNs as photo props (because if she was involving them because the children of her sibling and DPs sibling matter to her then she'd want them all to come), you can't assume any of you are safe!

This is going to be like when a few weeks before the weddng, my now SIL (married to DH's little brother) announced that she thought the photos would look better without hats so all woman were banned from wearing hats, only fascinators would be allowed if they needed to wear something on their heads. Even though her MIL2B (my lovely MIL) had already commissioned a hat to be made in the same shade as her dress, and SIL had been involved with arranging that (MIL was paying for it).

And wasn't there another thread years ago when a bridezilla informed all the female guests they weren't allowed to dye their hair a certain colour because she was having her hair done like that?

Honestly, it starts with only allowing the cute little girls, before you know it, you'll be told won't it be "fun" if you all wear X colour. Or could all the female guests make sure they are below a size 12 or won't be allowed in the group photos. Or you'll be forced to stand outside in the freezing cold because she wants a particular shot done... Wink

ofallthenerve · 24/11/2015 10:12

And then naturally your guests found their way to MN to write a seething thread about the temerity of a bride who would exclude their children (forcing them to seek the services of a babysitter! oh my!) and include others.

Hmm how empathetic of you. I don't see anyone seething here...

DinosaursRoar · 24/11/2015 10:14

Its OK to do a no- children wedding, some on here get upset, but it's fine for most people. And it's ok to say just family DCs to a certain level, like just your own DCs, or just neices and nephews, and in the real world, most people are fine with that.

What's so very very wrong here is not making a blanket rule, but picking and chosing from between the family DCs. All DNs, fine, no DNs, fine. Just the pretty ones, really not cool.

SarahSavesTheDay · 24/11/2015 10:16

how empathetic of you. I don't see anyone seething here...

I'm speaking of the vast library of wedding complaint threads on MN, of course. Not this particular one.

DinosaursRoar · 24/11/2015 10:19

oh I've just remembered another wedding when I was a guest and got to laugh at the bride's bonkersness (DH was friends with the groom) - she invited the children from one of her siblings, but not the other siblings DCs because, as she explained to said sibling and his DP, "I think your children might draw too much attention." (I have met these children, they are very well behaved, can only assume she meant they were too gorgeous!).

ofallthenerve · 24/11/2015 10:21

Completely agree with Dino.

Realise I only said how I hate child free weddings (I do but that's just my personal opinion obviously) and didn't clarify my thoughts on the OP (I'm sleep deprived). It is fine to have no children at your wedding; I probably wouldn't enjoy your wedding as much as if DCs were invited but, as I say, each to their own.

Inviting just family children is fine too IMHO, but it's unkind / inconsiderate in terms of finding childcare, to pick and choose as Dino said, especially between children from the same family.

ofallthenerve · 24/11/2015 10:24

I'm speaking of the vast library of wedding complaint threads on MN, of course. Not this particular one.

Fair enough.

Swipe left for the next trending thread