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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my mummy?

137 replies

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 17:42

I'm 30 years old and married to my totally lovely DH but ever since I had my DS two and a half weeks ago at 35 weeks I want my mummy! My mum happened to be at the hospital when I went into labour early and, feeling slightly panicked and scared for my pre-term baby, I asked my mum to come to delivery with me and my DH. This wasn't what DH and I had discussed but in the stress of the moment I forgot that and just wanted both of them there. My mum lives pretty far away and since my DH has gone back to work, I've also asked my mum to visit for a few days every week, just for a few weeks. Obviously that means she's at our house in the evenings when my DH comes home from work a couple of nights a week. My DH is incredibly threatened by me wanting my mum around so much - thinks it means that I think he's not good enough/can't cope just the two of us. He also really resented that my mum was there during labour. I keep telling him that he is enough but he's at work all day and just to start with I really need the support/company during the day. I have also told him that I'm sorry that it wasn't just the two of us during labour, but it was scared and just wanted to have all the support I could get! AIBU? What can I do to resolve this? I don't know what to say to DH to make him feel ok about having my mum around and I really don't want to stop having her around as I really need her right now! Help please!!

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FilbertSnood · 14/08/2015 17:46

I wanted mine too! And I hadn't up until my DD was born - she lives near ish so it wasn't hard, but I totally get the sentiment! I think you just need her support and experience and you trust her. I think your DH may just have to realise that you need her at this time.

FayKorgasm · 14/08/2015 17:59

You were the one in labour and you wanted support from your mum,that's totally understandable. Your Dh really needs to build a bridge and get over it.
I lived 10 mins from my mum when my DC were newborns and having her and my sisters around during the day was a godsend. Its a very woman centered thing giving birth.

Dowser · 14/08/2015 17:59

It's only natural when mum and daughter share a close bond and it's sad your husband feels threatened by it.

It would be nice for him to welcome an extra pair of hands with open arms. He's gonna have that child at home till at least 18 so I don't think he should begrudge you your mum.

You are still hormonal ffs.

He's being a bit man-childish and shuffle along the bus and let your mum on until you feel like you can stand on your own too feet.

I'm having a real miss my mum today and I'm 63!

Dowser · 14/08/2015 18:00

Should shuffle...Doh!

Starburst123 · 14/08/2015 18:05

When I had an operation in my 20s, I instinctively wanted my mum - and she was awesome. It was one of those ones where they keep you awake, and she chatted to me all the way through, keeping my mind off things, telling me inappropriate stories etc etc. She then drove me home & made sure I was properly recovered from the whole thing. When I had nowhere to live, I stayed with her, when I was particularly ill, she looked after me. These events were all when I was past 18. When things are good, she steps back, but when things are bad, she is there. I think it's a Mum thing!

I can understand that your DP might feel a little pushed out, BUT learning your way round a baby is a bloody difficult thing, and if an experienced pair of hands is available, why wouldn't you want them around, at least until you've started translating what your DC is trying to tell you?

Dynomite · 14/08/2015 18:07

YANBU! Planning to have kids soon and have already decided my mum will fly over for the birth and stay here for a few months. Didn't even ask my partner (as it happens he's very happy as he gets along very well with her and loves her cooking). Unless he and my mum wouldn't get along at all, he doesn't really have a say in it to be honest because I will be the one giving birth, recovering, breastfeeding, never sleeping, alone all day etc. Most women I know want their mummy too in this situation!!!!

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 18:07

I am really close to my mum and wish DH could just be happy that I have that support without making me feel like I have to choose! We ended up having a long conversation about her presence during labour about 4 hours after my DS was born. I was sorry my DH was upset but it was so not what I wanted to be talking about!

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Ma77Black · 14/08/2015 18:10

YANBU but, from a man's perspective, he's a new father and the limited time he gets with his child is shared with his MIL. He's probably feeling left out and expressing it badly. Partly, he needs to get over it. Partly you and your mother should think about his feelings a little bit and accommodate him a bit - that doesn't mean she should be there less.

Postchildrenpregranny · 14/08/2015 18:10

My mum lived 120 miles away when DD1 was born .She didn't come up for two weeks as I knew Dh would just feel pushed out and'abdicate' if she did , though I would have loved her to be there. She stayed for a few days but looked after me/the house, not the baby.
While I appreciate how you feel I have some sympathy for him too . Do you have local friends with children who could maybe give you some support in the daytime but not be around when he is home?

happymummyone · 14/08/2015 18:11

I had my mum there for the birth of my DD. I'm currently in hospital with pregnancy complications and she is in a different country and I cried earlier cause I want my mum! You're not alone!

worriedmum100 · 14/08/2015 18:12

I was the same when I had DS. ashe wasnt at the birth but we're very close and when I arrived home and she was waiting for ua I just buried myself in her arms and sobbed. I was 36 at the time. I'm due DC2 soon and have been twitching because my parents are away on holiday. They'll be back well before my due date but I definitely feel like I want my mum in close proximity.

After DS was born she came round every day for around a week -10 days. She mostly did all the food and housework stuff so DP and I could concentrate on getting to grips with a newborn. After DP went back to work she came every day for a week yo support me and help me get into a routine.

Luckily for me my DP loves my mum and he wasn't remotely threatened or if he was he never showed it. I think he just wanted me to feel supported by them both. Your DP needs to get over it.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 18:14

I made sure that my mum wasn't around at all during his paternity leave because I knew how he would feel. But when he went back to work it got more difficult - DH is often gone from 8am to 9pm and I don't know anyone in my local area as we moved here recently. I was planning to meet people through NCT antenatal classes but my waters broke the morning of our first NCT class and I ended up in hospital instead!

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Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 18:15

And I'm glad I'm not the only 'grown-up' who still wants their mother when things get rough!

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drivingmisspotty · 14/08/2015 18:18

Hmm, do you have any allies you can draw upon to help him understand? A sister in law or female friend who can mention how much they wanted their Mum there? I think it's totally normal too and in a lot of places around the world women would return to their mother's home when pregnant and stay post-birth or mother's/sisters would guide then through childbirth. I think sometimes in our culture we tend towards believing in having one soulmate who has to fulfil all of our needs. Which is wonderful and it is great that your DH wants to be a really supportive partner and active parent but having your Mum there doesn't have to dilute that and he doesn't need to feel threatened (assuming your Mum is nice and normal and not like some of the MILs you hear about on here!)

drivingmisspotty · 14/08/2015 18:24

PS re the nct-ours had a post-natal group too and while most of us had been to the ante natal classes we were all from different groups and made friends. I think the local health visitors did something similar. It was billed as a 'course' so we had someone do baby massage with us and a breastfeeding counsellor. Of course feel free to stay at home getting to know your LO and recovering from the surprise if that's what you need but might be worth giving nct, hv or children's centre a bell if you are interested.

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 18:26

That's the crazy thing - DH's mum stayed with us for two weeks because we lived near my SIL so she could visit SIL every day after she had her baby. DH just really conveniently forgets stuff like that when we're debating whether it's appropriate to have my mum around. He also isn't that close to his parents and only sees his friends infrequently so does expect/need me to be his soulmate who fulfils all his needs and therefore doesn't really get that I need my mum and my friends as well as him. Thinking about it, he can be not terribly understanding about my need to see my friends. I was pretty ill during pregnancy and he didn't understand that I would make a huge effort to see my friends despite my illness because I need them!

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Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 18:28

I have signed up for post-natal NCT but am a bit worried about how many people will do the post-natal classes.

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PenguinPoser · 14/08/2015 18:36

Yep I did too. She wasn't at the birth but as soon as I got home from hospital in a hormonal mess - DH didn't have a clue what to do with me bless him - I rang my mum and she looked after us all!

dontcallmelen · 14/08/2015 18:43

Oh Lorelai YANBU in times past it was probably much more the norm to have mums/inlaws etc at the birth, think as families can now live so far apart & we become more insular that, wider support is not seen as so important, but when you are distressed/upset & feeling overwhelmed sometimes all you want is your mum.
I think your Dh is being selfish & should be supporting you, not making you feel guilty, I really hope he can see yours & your dc needs, are more important at the moment, frankly get over himself.
Enjoy your lovely new baby, you will gain confidence every day especially if you have the support you need good luck.

cariadlet · 14/08/2015 18:52

YANBU

I was 35 when dd was born and I needed my mum.

I'd absolutely no experience of babies and, although I was used to being independent, didn't know if I would be able to cope with the practicalities. We planned for dm and df to visit when dd was born, and for dm to stay on for a week or so after. I hadn't realised how tired I was going to be which made me appreciate my mum even more once dd arrived.

We were living in a 2 bedroom terraced house at the time, so we were on top of each other a little bit. Luckily dp gets on with my mum (and was more nervous around our pfb than I was) so was happy to have her around.

Bullshitbingo · 14/08/2015 19:05

I would support the right of any woman in labour to have whoever she likes there to support her. It's you having the baby, so you are not at all unreasonable about that.

However I do think that you need to consider your dh's feelings about having your mother around do much. I appreciate your need for her support, but I think you need to acknowledge that this isn't working for him and you need to talk and compromise. If my mil had stayed at my house for a few days every week following the birth of my dc, I know it would have affected the bonding process. And I get on very well with my mil!

This is a special time for you, dh, and dc, if at all possible you need to find a way to use him a bit more. Obviously that doesn't mean not having your mum there at all, but you do need to see his perspective, otherwise in your need for your mum you may be unwittingly hurting him.

Floisme · 14/08/2015 19:09

I understand how you feel. I still miss my mum.

However I do wonder whether a man who leaned on his mother at a stressful time would get such a sympathetic hearing on here.

howabout · 14/08/2015 19:09

YANBU

I had DD3 at the right old age of 43 at 36 weeks and having been through it all twice before.
I wanted my Mum.

Big hug from me to say it will all be fine Flowers

On what to say to DH it is a shock to the system to have a baby and more so if they are early. Also if you had steroid injections I think they affect your mood - tired and emotional multiplied. If your DM lived nearer she would pop in and out and he wouldn't see her and this would be normal. No extra points for coping and the early stages don't last

Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:10

Bullshitbingo I totally agree that I need to find some sort of a compromise because however much I need my mum's support, I guess I just have to accept that my DH isn't happy and I need to do something about it. So what would be reasonable? Should I suggest she just comes to stay for 1 night a week? I jus think I'll be so lonely the other days! Maybe that's just part of being a new mum. Sigh.

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Original poster
LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:14

Floisme I think there is a very good chance that a man who was wanting his mummy and posting on mn would very possibly be told to grow a pair!

howabout thanks - my mood is, I think, stabilising after a moderately traumatic birth but I am still a bit fragile. If only my mum lived nearer she could just pop by during the day - this would not be a problem at all if she wasn't 3+ hours away Sad

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