To want my mummy?

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I'm 30 years old and married to my totally lovely DH but ever since I had my DS two and a half weeks ago at 35 weeks I want my mummy! My mum happened to be at the hospital when I went into labour early and, feeling slightly panicked and scared for my pre-term baby, I asked my mum to come to delivery with me and my DH. This wasn't what DH and I had discussed but in the stress of the moment I forgot that and just wanted both of them there. My mum lives pretty far away and since my DH has gone back to work, I've also asked my mum to visit for a few days every week, just for a few weeks. Obviously that means she's at our house in the evenings when my DH comes home from work a couple of nights a week. My DH is incredibly threatened by me wanting my mum around so much - thinks it means that I think he's not good enough/can't cope just the two of us. He also really resented that my mum was there during labour. I keep telling him that he is enough but he's at work all day and just to start with I really need the support/company during the day. I have also told him that I'm sorry that it wasn't just the two of us during labour, but it was scared and just wanted to have all the support I could get! AIBU? What can I do to resolve this? I don't know what to say to DH to make him feel ok about having my mum around and I really don't want to stop having her around as I really need her right now! Help please!!

Lorelai if your mum had been with for months, then maybe your Dh would have cause for concern, but it's very early days & tbh I dont think she is obstructing your ability to bond with your baby, I know I'm really old & probably very outdated but family exist beyond not only you & Dh it can encompasses the wider family to & as I said in pp Dh appears to be quite selfish & frankly a bit of a knob.

Your DH is being a knob. You've just given birth and feeling vulnerable, needing extra support. Explain that to him because he probably just doesn't get it.

My Mum died 13 years ago and even now I still go through the 'I Want My Mummy'! My DS is 10 so she wasn't around when he was born but I would have loved her support. It's lovely reading the happy stories of posters who had their Mums with them .

Your DH really does need to get this sorted out OP. That feeling of wanting your Mum for support, love and advice doesn't go away. There will be times over the years when you will need her again.

YANBU your DH needs to grow up and get over himself.

When I gave birth to DD, my husband, daughter and I moved in with my parents for a month. They looked after us, fed us, hosted when people came to visit. We focused on our baby and learnt how to be parents. When my DH went back to work (while we were staying with my parents) he had no worries about my DD and I because he knew we were in good hands. When we had our DS we moved in with my parents for 3 weeks. They looked after us and our 2 1/2 year old DD and history repeated itself.

I am Indian (born here in the UK) and my husband is English. New mums going back to their parents for the first month is normal in the Indian culture and a lot of Asia.

After I had DD (difficult birth - both DH and DM there; this wasn't planned but DH was at work when I was admitted and I had to go immediately due to pre-eclampsia and happened to be with DM at the time), I was obviously exhausted and emotional. I was still in the hospital on day 3, DD screamed constantly because bfing wasn't happening... It was horrible.

Anyway, she was screaming, I was sobbing (trying not to!) and DH was trying to calm us both down. DMIL arrived and gave me a hug, and I did feel better, but ten minutes later DM walked onto the ward and I just dissolved on the spot. As soon as I saw her I was just overwhelmed with the need for my Mum. Nobody else would've done. She got on the bed with me and held me as I cried. This was last year and I was 24. I felt about 5 but I didn't care.

It's never wrong to want your Mum. Especially if the two of you are close and you're emotional. Don't feel bad about it and don't let DH make you feel bad about it

I think I have been feeling a bit down on myself for needing my mum, but replies have really helped. I'll try to be sensitive about the while thing with DH and keep visits to a minimum but just accept that it's what I need right now and try to explain it to DH. He doesn't have a close relationship with his parents so I think he just doesn't get it and I also think it's got all tied up with him feeling guilty for working such long hours and not being around for me and DS as much as he would like. I think if I also put a bit of a deadline on it - like winding down her visits over the next 3 or 4 weeks (so up to 6 weeks from the birth) that will help DH realise that it's only a temporary need and it's not because I find him inadequate!

You sound really thoughtful and as if you're trying your best in tough circumstances. As a fellow wife of city lawyer, I really sympathise. Of course you need you mum around; the hours are so long and the absences so unpredictable and it's awful when you're sat with a tiny bawling baby watching the front door and wondering when you'll next get to speak to an adult. To add to the chorus of stories, I sobbed when my mum suggested going home when my DC2 was a week old. She stayed three weeks and I'm really not close to her and DH finds her very difficult! I just needed a physical and emotional support to keep me fed and sane in those first tricky weeks. Like yours, my husband was in a new job and couldn't take time off and so my mum was my support in the first weeks.

It's a shame you missed out on nct before your baby arrived. With your DH working long hours you're going to need local friends. It's early but I would definitely get out as much as you can ASAP to meet other mums in similar circumstances. Lots of women are in similar circumstances and you'll make friends quickly. You may find you feel the need for your mum around less when you have a few more coffee dates lined up with women who share your current interests and concerns.

And lastly, your DH really was out of order to complain about your mum's presence so soon after your labour! He is obviously emotional about it all too and probably anxious about what his role is, but that's no excuse for moaning at a woman whose just had a baby!! I think you do need to make sure he understands how normal it is to need support for labour and the first few weeks. Maybe he imagined the two of you plus baby in baby-moon bliss, but given his work, he really needs to accept that you will need other support. Hopefully when emotions are less heightened he will realise he was a bit of a fool over this. Good luck! This period is so emotional for everyone - it will get easier!

Thanks fourquartets - it's so useful to hear from someone else who has been in the same situation. I was in tears tonight because it's the first Friday night since he went back to work and he got in at 9pm but logged back on and had to keep working until I was asleep. We just caught up at the 1am feed. I don't think that he gets that it means I haven't spoken to another adult all day or been able to leave the baby for longer than it took me to have a shower! Having my mum here just makes it more bearable. I will definitely be better able to cope once I have even one local friend! I think I'm finding it hard as well because just over three weeks ago I was a City lawyer in a busy office, surrounded by people all day long. The change has been a bit of a shock!

My DH is definitely emotional about the difficult time I had during labour and the baby coming early too - we are both quite, ahem, sensitive people and tend to get a little overly emotional about things!

Annafaquine you made me cry. What a sad but lovely story. I have been lucky enough to see two of my DGC born and it was something I will never forget. DSIL is older than my DD and from a culture where men were generally not present at birth so he wanted me to stay to support him !

I'm going to play devils advocate. I think yabu, your DH wants to be with you and his DC when he gets home. Not have mil sitting on the sofa.
Those who say he should grow up..really..it is you that need to grow up. You are an adult and needing mummy quite frankly is ....and before I get ripped to shreds I have 3 DC all grown up now.
I would not have expected DM to be there or mil and when/if DD has children I would expect her partner to be the support.

fuckitall - I agree.

Having a baby is such a special time for a couple. I'm not surprised that this guy wasn't happy having MIL at the birth, it really would have put a dampener on things for my OH.
Giving birth can be scary, but your OH probably felt that he wasn't good enough to give you the support at this amazingly special time, that was certain;y the message that you gave him needing your mummy around.

I also find something very creepy about a grown woman using the term "mummy".
We are not infants, we are grown women. If you are old enough to have a child you are old enough to be a woman without mummy holding your hand.

If you don't do anything while your mothers not there then you really should start to. What's to stop you getting dressed and going out? Is your mother there so often that you haven't learnt to cope with your baby on your own?

In some ways ur lucky you've a good relationship with your mother but sounds as if you're over relying on her.

Personally I'd hate idea of coming home 50% of days to partners parent being there... Sounds awful from Ur dhs view notwithstanding that him and ur mother are nice people who get on.

I also agree with feckitall to a point & I think that you are doing the right thing OP by putting a time limit on your mum staying every week as you don't want to come to rely on it.

It's just unfortunate that your mum can't visit in a day!

I can see how it would have hurt him for you to be asking for your mum at the last minute.

We are all different though.

My PFB was born unexpectedly pre 30 weeks at home. Husband missed the birth and by the time PFB came home, I was delighted to be on my own with him.

My friend otoh didn't want to leave hospital as she didn't want to be alone with her baby as the rsponsibility overwhelmed her.

I don't think the dh is being a knob at all. He probably feels excluded from his own family unit and MIL's presence probably feels intrusive. I would feel the same in his shoes. Also, it is a strain having people to stay in your home - I wouldn't want it regularly when I'd just had a baby. I told dh his sister couldn't come and stay when dc4 was just born - I doubt anyone on mn would tell me I was being a knob just to want time for our own family to bond. I can appreciate both points of view on this one tbh, even though I wouldn't want my mum around at all.

I was using the term 'mummy' as a joke to underline the point that I do feel a bit pathetic for wanting her around right now. I don't actually call her that!

Getting up and going out has been a little tricky as I've been struggling with infected stitches post-birth. But even if I do get up and go out as I start to feel better I still don't have anyone to talk to! I guess loneliness is my real problem as my DH works such long hours and isn't always exactly chatty when he comes home.

Lorelai I don't think YABU but nor is your DH. For me, having a new baby changed the dynamics of my relationship with DH as well as how we saw ourselves and it took time to adjust. There's a lot of emotion in those early days. Talk to each other, try to understand each other but ultimately he may have to accept you need the support. I know my DH found it hard being away from DS for 12 hours a day (City job, and I'm a City lawyer too though part-time now so definitely relate to your situation) just as I found it hard being without DH for that long. I definitely remember willing the front door to open by 8pm and he didn't go back to work until DS was 6 weeks. It's still early days for you all, it does get easier.

The thing is, dh is barely there during the week and carries on working until the middle of the night when he is home ! If he were arriving home at 4pm each night and your mum sat on the armchair cuddling the baby all night it'd be different, but it sounds as though your mum is being incredibly diplomatic.

By the way, post- natal classes were incredibly useful for me - it's worth giving them a try.

As Inertia says, OP's mum isn't really getting in the way of family bonding. It doesn't sound like he sees the baby much during the week anyway. And he hasn't just had a baby himself! OP has. He's off at work, with his life hardly changed so far, especially if OP is doing all the night waking. She needs the emotional support of her mum because he isn't there to give that support (because he's working to provide material support, not criticising this). It's a very different situation from yours, johndorrie - why would your DH need his sister, especially with your fourth child? Presumably you knew what you were doing by then, unlike OP on her first child and feeling out of her depth.

johnnydory, I mean. Apologies for the misspelling.

I do agree that it should be the nuclear family for bonding purposes as much as possible, but if DH isn't there for most of the week, I can see why OP wants adult company. It's only been two weeks since the birth as well, though obviously OP will need to learn to manage on her own eventually.

I can see that there might be concern that OP is relying on her mum.

But if OP wants to see her mum once a week & that means that she stays over once a week, what then?

Or does OP go to her mum one week & her mum to her the other?

We are definitely adjusting to anew reality. It's after midday on Saturday and DH has been downstairs working all morning other than when he popped in for five minutes to bring me a coffee. I guess he'll be done soon but all I can think is that I'm so relieved my mum's arriving on Monday!

Thanks Ruralretreating. How long did it take to get easier?!

diddl once DH has stopped working today, I'm going to speak to him about how to manage this and suggest me going to see my mum once every two weeks. It's not that I hadn't thought of that but the idea of 3+ hours in the car each way with a newborn is a little stressful and if it happens to coincide with the one evening my DH can get out of work in time then I'll miss the opportunity to see him... But willing to try anything right now!

I think it's entirely understandable for you to want your mum around but I can also see why your DH is getting the arse about it. However, he has to be realistic - if he's working, why shouldn't you have your mum to help during the day?

I actually had my MIL to stay for 2w prior to DS1 being born and 5w after. This was primarily because my own mother died while I was pg and I thought it might help to have someone around who knew more about babies than I did. Luckily, because she was DH's mother, he coped a lot better with her there - turns out I was the one who got massively irritated by her being there!

The reason being that I quite often felt like I was the one "out in the cold", as it were - DH and his mother are very close, and so it felt like they had all the bonding going on, and it was just me and DS1, except when MIL or DH took DS1 ( not that often because he was EBF and a slow feeder, often 2h at a time) when I really felt like an outsider. :(

So what I'm trying to say is, make sure your DH feels included in the evenings when you and your mother are together. I have sympathy with him (but also you.)

ThumbWitchesAbroad for you and everyone who has to do this without their mums. Really makes me appreciate what I have despite all the difficulties.

Thank you Lorelai :)
I hope it gets easier for you with your DH and mum situation too. And congratulations on your new baby! (Sorry I forgot to say that before)

Lorelei I'd say it got easier in stages. We had feeding problems and reflux to contend with so that complicated the early months. In terms of baby, it got easier at 12 weeks, things were in a more regular 3 hour schedule (a rough version of The Baby Whisperer's Eat Activity Sleep pattern), I could plan around. In terms of relationship, it got easier once we worked out that that I should have the final say over care of our son if we couldn't agree (we usually compromise and work things out together in a very equal relationship but there was not always time or to do that). It was hard for my DH to reach that view as he wanted to be a hands-on Dad and felt he should have an equal voice. I agreed I'd always listen to his view, which helped. That was in first few weeks but I also remember a huge row when DS was 5 months old so there were still ups and downs. The general trajectory is up though.