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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my mummy?

137 replies

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 17:42

I'm 30 years old and married to my totally lovely DH but ever since I had my DS two and a half weeks ago at 35 weeks I want my mummy! My mum happened to be at the hospital when I went into labour early and, feeling slightly panicked and scared for my pre-term baby, I asked my mum to come to delivery with me and my DH. This wasn't what DH and I had discussed but in the stress of the moment I forgot that and just wanted both of them there. My mum lives pretty far away and since my DH has gone back to work, I've also asked my mum to visit for a few days every week, just for a few weeks. Obviously that means she's at our house in the evenings when my DH comes home from work a couple of nights a week. My DH is incredibly threatened by me wanting my mum around so much - thinks it means that I think he's not good enough/can't cope just the two of us. He also really resented that my mum was there during labour. I keep telling him that he is enough but he's at work all day and just to start with I really need the support/company during the day. I have also told him that I'm sorry that it wasn't just the two of us during labour, but it was scared and just wanted to have all the support I could get! AIBU? What can I do to resolve this? I don't know what to say to DH to make him feel ok about having my mum around and I really don't want to stop having her around as I really need her right now! Help please!!

OP posts:

StarlingMurmuration · 14/08/2015 20:07

And I'm being a complete hypocrit... My inlaws had to stay with us for nearly five weeks (just during the week) recently while I recuperated from an operation, to help me with DS, and I fucking HATED it! Even though they were here supporting ME, and I get on quite well with them, it drove me mad. So I do get where your DH is coming from, but it's really early days yet and I think he needs to suck it up for a while.

Rooberoobe · 14/08/2015 20:07

I remember the feeling of loneliness when my DH went back to work and the realisation of 'I've got to look after this small person and I'm not sure what to do.' I hated being home alone with no one to talk to. Im luck as my mum only lives 5 mins away but she's often at work in the week so I startedto make a point of doing things. I went to baby sensory when my DS was 4 weeks old (totally for me not him) to talk to people. I checked out childrens centre baby groups and went a couple of times a week. I made the effort to talk to people and just discuss anything. Starting conversations by asking how old their child was and I've since kept in touch with a couple of mums.
It will get easier perhapse a compromise by reducing the amount of time she comes foR or have her come alternative weeks. Maybe put a time limit on your mum being there. Eg when your DS is 6 weeks you're going to stop the weekly visits.
is it possible that your DH is finding it difficult because you're turning to your mum and not him? Does he want you to need him more?

All that said as someone who totally hates their own company I get why you need your mum there.

fourtothedozen · 14/08/2015 20:08

My mother is a liability in such circumstances. Always the drama queen and needing support.
When my husband died my mother went to pieces, all her friends had to hear of the trauma, she would come round to my house and sit sobbing while I made her cups of tea.

I have had surgery and kept it secret, because I knew that she would find it it such a drama having a daughter in hospital.

She would be the last person I would want around me in labour or indeed in any situation that I need support.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 20:10

Bodicea it is so important to me that my DH has a good bond with DS and my mum wasn't around for the first two weeks for that very reason. But then he went back to work. I guess me and my mum are used to a family model where the dad's main thing is being the bread winner as my own dad always worked long hours. My DH very much wants to be a hands on dad but he also works long hours as a city lawyer... So it's difficult to know how this model should work. He's also three weeks into a new job so there's not much flexibility for extra holiday etc.

OP posts:

diddl · 14/08/2015 20:17

I think that it's tricky as the distance means that she has to stay over.

Thinking about it, I saw my parents once a wk as that was what I wanted.

Mostly they would stay until about half an hr after OH got in from work (about 6pm)

It does sound as though he would hardly see your mum due to his working hrs!

Two and a half weeks & it's all very new.

I do think he should cut you some slack re wanting company.

FayKorgasm · 14/08/2015 20:19

Your Dh is working very long hours so realistically how much interaction has he got with your mum OP? Could he be a little jealous?

catlass · 14/08/2015 20:21

YANNU, my mum delivered my kids (midwife) and I practically made her move in for the first week after DC1. He'll get over it.

Anaffaquine · 14/08/2015 20:30

I knew our baby was going to be still born and I was potentially going to be ill too. I wanted my mum there to support us both.
I then ended up going into labour with our next child on DS' first birthday. I was terrified, given what had happened the year before. My mum was also now terminally ill. I wanted my mum there again as I knew my little one wouldn't have their devoted gran round for long. My Dh even suggested mum cut the cord on dd1. I love she was there.
I dearly wish she had still been alive to be present at the birth of dd2 but that wasn't meant to be.
There are certain times when you just want your mum.
My DH never ever felt threatened by mum. She was very careful about letting us get used to being a family when dh was at home though.

Dowser · 14/08/2015 20:35

So she comes 2-3 days mid week to help you and then your husband has you and the baby to himself at weekends. I can't see his problem. He works long hours too.

I think he's being mean.

What a lovely mum. He should be showering her with gratitude . It wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea. So good on her for being there.

My mum came every day when I had my second baby. She was a godsend and there isn't a man born who would have come between me and my mum.

hazelisours · 14/08/2015 20:40

Here's a story for you Lorelai.

I'm 39 and gave birth for the first time last year. My mum popped her head around the door just to say a quick 'hi'. Her and dad would be waiting patiently in the waiting room like all good prospective grandparents might.....I'm not sure it happened exactly like this, but in my head I grabbed on to her and wouldn't let go!! "Please stay and make it go away"!! (again...I'm not sure I actually said exactly that, but I certainly felt it). She couldn't, obviously, make it go away, but she did stay! It was the best decision I made.

I vaguely recollect her asking OH if he was sure it was ok and she would be happy to leave us to it, but (thankfully) OH said that whatever I needed was ok. They way he saw it....no-one knows me quite like my mum and she's given birth 3 times herself. My baby was born within 3 hours or so and I couldn't have done it that smoothly without OH AND my mum :)

She was able to see her 5th (and probably final) grandchild be born which will stay with her forever. I needed mum and OH equally that day. It wasn't planned.

Explain to your OH that your bond with your mum is just different (not stronger or weaker) to the one you have with him - he doesn't need to feel threatened, but thankful that you have such brilliant support.

Good luck OP xx

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 20:47

I think I definitely need to talk to DH. He just came in from work and I was a bit emotional having been by myself all day and his reaction was, 'don't worry, your mum will be back in Monday'. Argh! Oh well, at least he's gone off with the baby for a little bit to have some bonding time. We really need to sort this out! We haven't really had a big issue in our relationship like this before.

OP posts:

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 20:50

P.s. It's really nice hearing other people's stories about needing their mummies - makes me feel less pathetic! And to those who lost their mums - I can't imagine how hard that must be especially when you are still learning how to be a mum yourself. I am so lucky to have my mum and want to make the most of having her around... Hopefully without upsetting DH too much!

OP posts:

IdaClair · 14/08/2015 20:51

Congratulations on your baby!

I am the same age as you. Your thread title made me realise I want my mum. Then I realised I can't have her because she died several years ago. Then I wondered if my own children will want me when they are 30. I thought it would be nice if they did.

So YANBU

OldBloodCallsToOldBlood · 14/08/2015 20:56

I don't see a problem with this at all. You feel like you need the support and your DH isn't able to give much at the moment due to his work. It's not like your mum is there constantly.

I think he is a little bit jealous. He wants to be the one with you, but somehow this is coming across as because he can't, then you should manage without help at all. That's not reasonable.

lilacblossomtime · 14/08/2015 20:56

It's true babies can turn any slight issue into a big deal. I don't think much of your Dh, but it's not good you are feeling so down. Why not call your health visitor and talk to them. They might be able to suggest some things to do. The other thing I would do is get out every day for a walk somewhere you can meet people, like a park or shopping centre. Just getting out is good for you and you will often meet people to chat to.

RumbleMum · 14/08/2015 20:58

YANBU. I have always felt like this too and Mum rescued me several times when I hit crisis point after both DSs were born. I understand he wants time alone with the two of you but he's away long hours and you're getting to grips with a new baby which is bloody tough to say the least. I think he needs to be less selfish and appreciate the fact you have some support while he's away. 2-3 evenings per week is hardly a disaster. Does your Mum melt into the background when he arrives home as mine does? If not could you gently suggest this in some way - perhaps get your Mum to cook or help with the dinner.

NewLife4Me · 14/08/2015 21:01

I would have loved my mum to have known about birth and new borns and been able to help and support me.
I felt lonely when dh wasn't there and really struggled.
To anyone who has close family you are very lucky and should take the opportunity and let them help.
OP, your husband is out of order and should just suck it up for a while.
Your mum sounds like a diamond btw.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 21:05

OldBloodCallsToOldBlood Knowing my DH who is really a good guy, I think a lot of this might be coming from a good place - wanting to be there for me and DS and, as you say, feeling jealous that he can't be - but is resulting in behaviour that's quite difficult to deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 21:06

NewLife4Me my mum is pretty great - swoops in and cleans the house while trying not to step on DH's toes - I wish my DH could see that!

OP posts:

FayKorgasm · 14/08/2015 21:07

I remember when ds was born dd1 was only 17months. I was unwell with an infection and being a very typical Irish Mammy she fed and watered us for the next two weeks,doing washing and housework.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/08/2015 21:14

I don't often want my mum in the way you mean as our relationship is a little different to that - but I completely understand where you are coming from.

IME the day your DH gives birth and stays home on his own - isolated and with a new baby to look after - is the day he gets to have an opinion on this.

He might be lovely in other ways OP but here he is being a knob. He should be happy at the level of support you are getting - you BOTH are getting - from your mum.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 21:17

FayKorgasm I'm hoping my DH is going to start seeing a correlation... No mum, no dinner! I wonder how long it will take him to figure it out!

OP posts:

FayKorgasm · 14/08/2015 21:19

Hunger is a great persuader.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 21:21

HeartsTrumpDiamonds I think he is being a bit of a knob on this... It is just quite out of character which is why I have turned to the wisdom on mn!

OP posts:

ScoutRifle · 14/08/2015 21:22

My dh is wonderful but I still want my mummy when I'm ill, in pain or anxious.

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