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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my mummy?

137 replies

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 17:42

I'm 30 years old and married to my totally lovely DH but ever since I had my DS two and a half weeks ago at 35 weeks I want my mummy! My mum happened to be at the hospital when I went into labour early and, feeling slightly panicked and scared for my pre-term baby, I asked my mum to come to delivery with me and my DH. This wasn't what DH and I had discussed but in the stress of the moment I forgot that and just wanted both of them there. My mum lives pretty far away and since my DH has gone back to work, I've also asked my mum to visit for a few days every week, just for a few weeks. Obviously that means she's at our house in the evenings when my DH comes home from work a couple of nights a week. My DH is incredibly threatened by me wanting my mum around so much - thinks it means that I think he's not good enough/can't cope just the two of us. He also really resented that my mum was there during labour. I keep telling him that he is enough but he's at work all day and just to start with I really need the support/company during the day. I have also told him that I'm sorry that it wasn't just the two of us during labour, but it was scared and just wanted to have all the support I could get! AIBU? What can I do to resolve this? I don't know what to say to DH to make him feel ok about having my mum around and I really don't want to stop having her around as I really need her right now! Help please!!

OP posts:

Ma77Black · 14/08/2015 19:21

Lorelai I'd hope you don't need to compromise the support you're getting. The delivery room stuff's happened and he needs to deal with it. Try and find out what's wrong, does he feel excluded, does he think he's not getting enough time with the baby, etc? Then you can fix it.

When my son was born I worked long hours but every weekend morning I took him out in his buggy by myself, it was only for 15-30 mins but it was the highlight of my week.

ChoudeBruxelles · 14/08/2015 19:22

I want my mum. I'm nearly 41 and have a 9 year old.

diddl · 14/08/2015 19:27

Are you actually still needing your mum though or just like having her there because your husband works long hours?

I'm not sure that there's a polite way to put this but does she hang around more than necessary in the evening?

Findtheoldme · 14/08/2015 19:29

Maybe it would be tactful for your mother to have left before your husband gets home from work? He's out all day, missing you and the baby, she gets all that and then when he comes home he can't just relax with his wife and child but has company too.

Bullshitbingo · 14/08/2015 19:34

Would you perhaps be able to travel to your mum once or twice a month? Perhaps if she was at yours only a couple of times a month, your dh would feel more comfortable? You could go to her for a few days mid week when your dh is working anyway?

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:38

Ma77Black I think my DH has found going back to work hard and that maybe makes him resent my mum more. But I try to make sure he gets some time with DS if he's home by 9... It's more difficult if he's home later than that. And he spends ages with DS on the weekends while I catch up on sleep as I'm doing all the nights.

diddl ok, do I need my mum? Well, maybe not - I'm not going to curl up and die without her. But just over two weeks after the birth, I am finding the days all alone really tough. I guess I want her rather than need her. I don't think she hangs around too much in the evening. She has dinner with us but then tends to go to bed or does the washing up while DH and I put DS to bed. But that's on those nights when DH does get in around 9. Often he's not back until 10/11pm, in which case everyone is pretty much in bed by the time he gets in!

OP posts:

lilacblossomtime · 14/08/2015 19:38

Your Dh sounds very selfish to me. I'd tell him you don't find him supportive, he isn't interested in what you need and he clearly doesn't care you are lonely on your own for 13 hours a day. Btw it's your house too and if you want guests you should be allowed.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:39

Findtheoldme I wish she could go home! But she's 65 and lives 3+ hours away which makes coming just for a day unrealistic.

OP posts:

lilacblossomtime · 14/08/2015 19:43

It's terrible that he made you have a long "conversation" hours after the birth. You should have told him to get over himself.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:46

I made the mistake of humouring him for a little while - I think all the drugs had mellowed me - but I did eventually get around to telling him to get over himself!

OP posts:

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 19:46

YANBU to want her there during labour or help during the day but from your post your DH doesn't get home until 9pm, which is pretty late for her to still be there imo. If I came back at that time I'd want to kick off and relax, to see my child and wife and spend time with them alone.

What about compromising and having the house free for when he gets back so you can both spend some time with the baby (when awake) and you?

Sallystyle · 14/08/2015 19:47

I often want my mummy! I'm 34, married with five children.

I had a really bad day on Wednesday at work doing my first shift and I rang her in my break crying, saying I need my mummy I also called my husband, but if I am upset or ill I always think in my head how much I want my mum.

YANBU but I do kind of understand how your husband is feeling because I know I would feel the same way if my husband needed his mum like this. Rightly or wrongly, it is how I would feel.

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 19:49

Hmmm don't know the answer then OP. I appreciate she's helping you but several time a week staying over...i' find it an imposition tbh. Maye not once a week but several days staying over means she's pretty much there most of the time he's home.

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 19:50

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:50

U2HasTheEdge you're right - I'm not sure how I'd feel if DH needed his mum like this in the ordinary course of things... But I guess I think that the whole childbirth/new baby thing should count as exceptional circumstances?!

OP posts:

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 19:51

What does your mum think? Surely she must have a clue as to his feelings?

Sallystyle · 14/08/2015 19:54

I think so too OP. I know I would be a bit unreasonable about it though.

StarlingMurmuration · 14/08/2015 19:55

God, how many people are not reading the OP's posts?! Her mother lives 3+ hours away, she can't just come for the day.

YANBU to want your mummy. I pretty much want my mummy every day and she died five years ago this month. I particularly wanted her when I first had DS, and if she were still alive, she definitely would have stayed for a while. Your DH is being pretty selfish if he's out of the house til so late every night - I can see why he might not want someone else there all the time, but he must barely see her. It's really really tough going from having a job with colleagues to interact with etc to suddenly being on your own the majority of the time trying to look after a baby when you don't yet know what you're doing. I'd have given my eye teeth to have had support during the day.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:56

bigbumtheory She was here tues/wed night this week and is meant to be here mon/tues/wed next week. After that I hope I'll be coping better and could cut down to maybe one or two max nights a week. But maybe it will have to be one... Or none... It's just that the days she was here this week, I got up, I got dressed and went out and did things around the house. Today, when I was all by myself, I ate breakfast at 4pm, showered at 4:30pm and have totally failed to cook dinner...

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 14/08/2015 19:57

I never want my mum, she's the last person I'd want around if I was feeling vulnerable - I often wonder how I could keep her away if dh died, or if I could get away with not telling her for a couple of days! So I think it's lovely that you want your mum around and hope I'll have that relationship with my daughters.

But if your mum is there all day, you won't get the chance to bond with baby on your own and develop your own parenting style? That would be my concern. Two weeks is very early days though. Is there any chance of dh taking some holiday or unpaid leave? If he doesn't get home til 9pm then he isn't really going to see you or baby on his work days, whether your mum is there or not so he might have to put up with it for the first few weeks - but I can understand that he might feel that your own family unit is being invaded a bit.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/08/2015 19:59

I haven't talked to my mum about how DH feels as I think she'd be really upset. But she always says that she hopes DH is ok having her around and that she will try to stay out of his way when he comes in... So I'm thinking she's at least partially aware of how he feels!

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 14/08/2015 20:00

That is very normal with a newbirn baby, OP - don't be too hard on yourself. But thinking about it, I think your dh will have to suck it up. It sounds like having your mum there might stop you becoming overwhelmed, just while you recover.

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 20:00

Oh that's only a couple of days per week, it sounded like she was there most of the time if staying over. She may be helping but don't get down on yourself too much if you have occasional times of doing nothing, that's not abnormal. Fuck dinner, if you are busy- you're busy.

If you are feeling like you can't get out of bed because you may have PPD then I'd speak to your health visitor.

Bodicea · 14/08/2015 20:02

My DH would have been extremely threatened by having my mum at the birth and has made it clear that it isn't her place. Not a problem for her - she is useless in those sort of situations - faints at the sight of blood etc..
When my little boy was born I was in a bad way and my mum had a terrible cold. We didn't let her come around for the first week. ( she did come and peer through the window!).
I can honestly say it was the best thing for our relationship and my husbands bond with our son. He really had to step up to the plate and be extremely hands on from the start. He remains a very hands on dad.
I should add that my mum is also very hands on with our son and has a great relationship with him too - she did live with us for a bit when he was one - so we really don't keep her at arms length.

My point is the bond between a father and his child is so much more complex and fragile. I think mother-in-laws can often take over and make men feel pushed out whether or not they mean too, which can make them pull away a bit. Obviously all men are different but If he is feeling threatened I take your husbands wishes very seriously if I were you.

Think about it in the past men had nothing much to do with labour and how many older men say how their fathers were just these people in the house that paid the bills and were v cold with them, unable to express love etc. I really think there is a link between men being involved in the labour and early days and a strong loving bond.

tilliebob · 14/08/2015 20:04

I remember telling DH when I was in labour with dc1 that I wanted my mum! When I did see her after his birth, I apologised for all the crap and hassle I'd ever caused her

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