To want my mummy?

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I'm 30 years old and married to my totally lovely DH but ever since I had my DS two and a half weeks ago at 35 weeks I want my mummy! My mum happened to be at the hospital when I went into labour early and, feeling slightly panicked and scared for my pre-term baby, I asked my mum to come to delivery with me and my DH. This wasn't what DH and I had discussed but in the stress of the moment I forgot that and just wanted both of them there. My mum lives pretty far away and since my DH has gone back to work, I've also asked my mum to visit for a few days every week, just for a few weeks. Obviously that means she's at our house in the evenings when my DH comes home from work a couple of nights a week. My DH is incredibly threatened by me wanting my mum around so much - thinks it means that I think he's not good enough/can't cope just the two of us. He also really resented that my mum was there during labour. I keep telling him that he is enough but he's at work all day and just to start with I really need the support/company during the day. I have also told him that I'm sorry that it wasn't just the two of us during labour, but it was scared and just wanted to have all the support I could get! AIBU? What can I do to resolve this? I don't know what to say to DH to make him feel ok about having my mum around and I really don't want to stop having her around as I really need her right now! Help please!!

My mum died when I was 19, but never had I missed her so much as when I had DD and then DS. There are key times when I think all you want is your mum.

I totally understand how you feel, you must be extremely lonely with your husband working so much - it is extreme hours he is doing. Becoming a mother is really hard work and you do need support. I would recommend you do your level best to get out to some baby groups and meet-ups with local mums to make some 'mum friends', because they have saved my sanity! Having somewhere to go, with adult conversation, is incredibly helpful.

If there aren't that many baby groups near you, even toddler groups can be fantastic with a little baby - our local church toddler groups are staffed by older mums and retired ladies who are delighted to see new babies and chat to new mums who are feeling a little bit wobbly (and bring them a cup of tea and a biscuit) and make an effort to introduce them to other mums - so don't feel you can only go to 'baby' groups. And you can always try a few different ones if you don't like the first one - keep trying. Lots of church toddler groups aren't terribly well advertised, but if you google your local churches they'll probably have some info (although they probably won't start up again till the week of the 7th of September or so).

Also, try to make sure you see your old friends as much as possible, when you can - try to make sure you are getting the emotional support every new mum needs.

Hope your stitches get better soon!

My mum died when I was 19, but never had I missed her so much as when I had DD and then DS.

same here and that of course was when MIL stuck the knife in.

Op I think your DH sounds so selfish, I would be deeply worried if my DH started to come out with such introspective and selfish comments after - such a traumatic ordeal.

He does realise you and your baby could have died. Birth is no bloody joke.

Who cares if you suddenly wanted your DM there? He seems so self absorbed he has lost sight of bigger picture.

Who wouldnt want their mum with them to support them in the weeks after birth, goodness I wish to god I had had mine, even though she would have driven me mad!

Does he want an isolated, depressed wife who cant even dress herself or look after the baby so lost in depression and despair?

I just think when a woman has had her first baby - throw anything she wants at her do whatever it takes.

I think he sounds selfish and immature and doesn't quite understand the stakes here.

I am going move heaven and earth for my daughters when they have babies.

If they want me to stay away no matter how much it hurts I will.

If they want me in the labour room I will.

Whatever they want.

If they have told me to go to hell, then suddenly say " Mum I'm in labour I know your on the intergalactic space ride into space but come and be with me"

I will be there.

And wobetide any evil MILS who want to hurt them during after before this ordeal, wobetibe them

lorelai I have family members with a retinue of staff to help look after not only the baby but the whole bloody house.
They have still needed their mum.

Had a big chat with DH this afternoon when he finally stopped working. Conclusions were: (1) he appreciates that the important thing about labour was that we came through it safely and that I felt surrounded by people who love me; (2) but I'm sorry that I didn't do what we discussed and only have him there not because it was wrong to have my mum there but just because we'd agreed something different; (3) I'm going to have my mum to visit for three nights this week as arranged but scale it back after that to maybe one night a week until stopping her visits in September once I can get going with mother and baby groups; (4) if having mum around gets too much for DH I will go and visit mum one week; (5) DH can make a list of household tasks that have been niggling him for me and mum to tackle this week so he gets something out of mum's visit too - and mum will be very happy with that as she's always wanting to do things around the house; and (6) I won't exhaust myself having fun with mum while she's here which I apparently did this week and worried DH (we went all the way to the garden centre 10 minutes away for lunch - crazy fun!) We'll see how it goes... Bless you all for the perspective and ideas to solve this!

I don't think that you should stop seeing your mum once a week in the future if that is what you would like to continue doing, whether that is her to you every week or you & her taking it in turns on alternate weeks.

diddl I agree but I think in future it could be more of a every so often sort of thing and I was also thinking that by then we could maybe start meeting in central London which is only 1 1/2 hours for my mum and so can just be a day thing and therefore easier for DH as he won't feel his home is being invaded! I just need to get a bit more mobile and brave enough to breastfeed in public first!

Household tasks

You have a two-week old baby; he's not there to support you but is sulking because somebody else is (when he should be kissing your mum's feet in gratitude) and now he's not happy about the state of the house? And because you've been 'having fun'?

I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but fuck that. I am worried about your compromises, op. He may normally be a lovely guy but right now he's behaving like a complete knob and needs to do one.

Glad you've found a way forward Lorelai. Don't worry about breastfeeding in public - lots of people do it. I'm really shy about these things but even I became totally blase about it within a very short period of time!

I agree with the other posters - you've compromised far too much. He's still essentially dictating to you what happens while he's NOT THERE. He has no right to do that.

Lorelai- read that post you made about the "compromise". Pretend a friend of yours had posted it, not you.

How would you feel?

Floisme nails it.

Your husband needs to start focusing on your and your baby's well-being.

Sorry, but he's not doing that now and his behaviour towards you and your mother and your baby is incredibly selfish and controlling.

Please remember that one day your mother will not be around. In the meantime, as someone who is offering love and practical support to you and your child she deserves a hell of a lot more respect...so do you.

His behaviour towards you is quite shocking.

OP,I am glad you had a chat but can't help but be concerned that the chat and main outcomes you listed above seem to be totally focused on your dh. I think he needs to understand that at this time, it isn't all about him, it is all about your baby. As your baby's main carer, you need to get what every you need in order to function properly and to not slip into anxiety and/post natal depression. It really isn't all about him and his wish to be at home with just you and baby on the off chance that he comes home before you are both asleep.

As for the list of household tasks that have been niggling him - I am at a complete loss for words.

I don't think either of us are particularly happy about the state of the house - we both have slightly unhealthy perfectionist issues and mess tends to induce a little bit of panic. And he's not annoyed because I'm having fun, he's worried about how tired going out made me.

I'm not 100% happy with how things are right now but part of the reason I turned to mumsnet is that both my DH and I are struggling with all the new stuff we're dealing with - new area, new job, new baby. We're both finding this hard and are trying to figure out what our roles are. He hasn't been perfect... but neither have I! I think I get what I need out of the list above and there's no point asking for more than I need. If I want to change things, I'll renegotiate! Can you tell we're both lawyers?!

I do think he needs to focus a bit more on me and the baby but financially I also need him to do really well at his new job so I have the option of being a SAHM, going back part time or changing careers so that's a pretty big thing he's doing for me and the baby every day.

Oh, lorelai

A compromise means both parties get some of what they want. What are you getting?

Lorelai - sod the "little jobs" - if he's that worried about the state of the house, get a cleaner in temporarily! If your mum really wants to do it, then ok - but otherwise, she's not a lackey who needs to be "made use of" by your DH as much as you, she's your mum and she's visiting you to help you out.

I'm quite disappointed in your DH's response, tbh. :(

And- I am sorry to harp on- but if he was worried you would exhaust yourself by going out to the garden centre, how come he now thinks you should be doing "a list of household tasks"?

Well, I was getting my mum as much as I needed her but not anymore. Just got a phone call saying my sis has had a bit of an incident and mum has got to go look after her instead of me this week! So I guess that changes everything!

I burst into tears - I think I am just so overtired from looking after the baby. DH is going to try to come home at better times this week to help but I am feeling a overwhelmed!

In which case, may I strongly suggest you look into a temporary cleaner, especially if you both have "issues" about cleanliness/tidiness? That will sort that problem out without either of you getting tireder or more stressed about it.

Hope your sister is ok, btw.

Aw sorry about this. What I would do is get on to the health visitor and tell them you are feeling a bit down and isolated as you don't have many friends in the area. They will be able to suggest some things and make sure you are ok. The other thing is non stop MNing lol and easy to read novels, nothing too taxing on the brain.

If you can afford a mothers help rather than just a cleaner that might be good. They can do a bit of cleaning and look after the baby for a bit while you rest.

Lorelai I'm really worried about you. This is a massive time for you changing from being a city lawyer to a mum of a new baby.

Why should you have to apologize for wanting your mum when you had a prem labour? No, you hadnt planned to ask your mum but you hadn't asked to have a prem baby either?

Your DH should be considering what is it that you get from your mum that you don't get from him - and stepping up to the mark! Not sulking because he feels pushed out. The early days of having a baby are all about the mum. He should be waiting on you hand and foot.

Which leads on to 'list of household tasks' and 'exhaust myself having fun' - he really got you when you were down, didn't he?

At the moment you are obvs overwhelmed and hormonal but if he carries on like this, you will be straight down the path to post-natal depression. It worries me how much headspace is given to his feelings and feeling guilty about him when 100% of both of your headspace should be making you feel great as that's the most effective way for your baby to feel great.

He is coming over like a giant arse currently.

I don't know. Obviously DH isn't scoring 10 out of 10 right now... But he is doing pretty well when he's not working at looking after me.

I do have a cleaner coming tomorrow, thank goodness. I might speak to my health visitor but ... Not to be judgmental but she seems really, really young and nervous and I felt like I was looking after her during my first visit!

Thanks ThumbWitchesAbroad - I am worried about my sis too now!

MN can be tough on DHs but someone like your dh can take care of himself. He is a top lawyer in a high powered job. How has he got there? By being tough, no nonsense and assertive. He knows what he wants and goes all out to get it, in that role these traits are admirable but he has to tone it down at home.

Having said that you are a tough city lawyer too, so don't fall into the role of a submissive wife. You are equals and he has to acknowledge that and don't let him get away with it if he starts trying to push you around. You wouldn't let an equal colleague at work do this to you. You would want fair treatment that recognises your contribution and allows you the support you need to do the best job.

If you feel the health visitor is unhelpful, there is bound to be somewhere you can find that info on what is available for mums yourself.

I'm sorry but your compromises are all YOU doing things to please him. What is he doing to make things better for you?
He sounds really selfish.
Hope your sis is ok.