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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married at the same venue.....

153 replies

SunnyStriker · 17/07/2015 12:24

Ok I am not a bridezilla, plan on a totally relaxed stress free wedding. However......

My uncle (same age as me) and his fiance have been planning their wedding for a year and the date is set for August 2015. We see my uncle and his family fairly often and are reasonably close to them but have never discussed wedding plans with them.

My fiance and I got engaged a few weeks ago and have been looking at venues. We want to get married next spring.
Looked at a venue yesterday that we have both fallen in love with. It ticks all of our boxes.
We provisionally booked a date for next June, just need to find out if registrar can do that date before we put a deposit down.

I phoned my mum it tell her about the venue and she said "oh that's where uncle is getting married".

We can't swoop in and use it a couple of months before their long planned wedding can we?? Would that break some kind of wedding code??

We really love it and I think will struggle to find anywhere else that will compare.

AWBU to book it?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyStriker · 17/07/2015 12:24

AUGUST 2016

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 17/07/2015 12:26

I suspect this will go against the grain but I think YABU.

Can you not wait until spring 17?

NameChange30 · 17/07/2015 12:27

Sorry but you can't book it before their wedding, you just can't. If it was afterwards I'd say it should be ok, but it sounds like you want to get married in June?
You could ask your uncle if he minds - with any luck he might not, but if I was him, I would.

windchime · 17/07/2015 12:27

YABVU.

SirPercyPilkington · 17/07/2015 12:28

YANBU. Start as you mean to go on -please yourselves. It's your wedding. Not everyone else.

KissMyFatArse · 17/07/2015 12:29

I think Yabu but no doubt the consensus will be its fine but I'd be quite hurt if I was the uncle and partner.

ASettlerOfCatan · 17/07/2015 12:29

Personally I would speak to your uncle direct about it. I got loads of grief from people saying X is cross because you did Y then when I spoke to X they actually didn't care.... See what HE says then decide.

tocmrpouce · 17/07/2015 12:30

Tricky as really, you're free to do what you like and if you love the venue, then it seems a shame that you can't use it. However I was no bridezilla but I wouldn't have liked it if someone had used our venue a couple of months before our wedding. As he's family I presume a lot of people will be going to the same wedding?

Maybe you could just ask him. He might have some other venues to suggest to you?

NameChange30 · 17/07/2015 12:32

"Start as you mean to go on" - by stealing a family member's thunder without giving a shit about how they feel?! Nice.

If you really love the venue and can't find anywhere else you prefer, book it but have the wedding after your uncle's, and ask him - or at least tell him, and say you hope he doesn't mind but you have fallen in love with it. Be prepared for him to be annoyed though.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/07/2015 12:32

Agree with Settler. The best thing to do is speak to your uncle (and his fiancee) about it, and their reaction will give you your answer. As nice as the venue is, I can't imagine it is worth causing a huge family rift that could last years. If you are really set on the venue, you could consider changing the date and getting married there after them.

Congrats on your engagement Flowers

Dynomite · 17/07/2015 12:32

YABVU. I'm usually not really fussed about these things but this would be quite a rude thing to do. Unforgivable really. Even if you ask your uncle, you'd still be putting him in an awful position.
If the wedding were 6-12 months after his wedding, it would be better, but the fact that you are going to do it 3 months before his wedding is just Shock

DonnaLyman · 17/07/2015 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SunnyStriker · 17/07/2015 12:33

Yes lots of the same people would be invited to both weddings.

Have spoken to our venue and they have an availibility 5 weeks after their wedding.
Would using that date also bu?

OP posts:
LokiBear · 17/07/2015 12:33

I wouldn't do it. Wait until after or choose another venue. Our cousins got engaged after we did and then got married before us. The amount of comments I had to listen to from other family members chastising them for 'rushing in first' was ridiculous. I has no issue, didn't bother me at all. However, there was a lot of (unfair imo) gossip that I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of.

TheCraicDealer · 17/07/2015 12:34

Don't do it. As it's family there's likely to be a considerable overlap in guest lists which will make your DUncle's day seem a bit déjà wedding. To be blunt, aspects of other people's weddings are normally dull enough without the sense of having been at the same place doing the same things two months previously.

There will be other venues. Save the stress and angst and pick somewhere else. Or, if you're happy to go second, book September 2016.

Spartans · 17/07/2015 12:35

Yabu. Completely!

If you we're getting married a year or so after. Maybe not. To do it a few months before it, is very unreasonable.

NameChange30 · 17/07/2015 12:36

"Have spoken to our venue and they have an availibility 5 weeks after their wedding.
Would using that date also bu?"

Using the same venue after their wedding is nowhere near as bad as using it beforehand. But 5 weeks is very soon afterwards. Won't it be a bit weird for the guests to go to the exact same venue just 5 weeks later? Don't you want to do something a bit different?

Either way YWBU to book it without discussing it with your uncle beforehand.

tocmrpouce · 17/07/2015 12:36

I think using the venue afterwards would be ok. But I'd still talk to your uncle about it.

PtolemysNeedle · 17/07/2015 12:36

YABU.

Apart from anything else, if you want to be a good host to your guests, you should avoid them being in a position to make direct comparisons, and they would probably prefer somewhere different as well.

I think it would be really selfish to choose the same venue. Lots of wedding venues exist, find somewhere else!

DowntownFunk · 17/07/2015 12:36

If you are close, speak to them about it. It may be that they care not one bit.

thedancingbear · 17/07/2015 12:37

YABU. I don't think this is cool.

MonstrousPippin · 17/07/2015 12:38

Firstly, double check with your uncle that they have definitely booked that place. It's possible that your mum heard that they'd looked at there and were planning to book it but anything could have happened since then. They might have changend their minds, might not have been available when they wanted etc. This also gives you an opportunity to test the water with how uncle feels about it.

If they are definitely having it there, I would probably be hurt if a relative did this knowingly so YABU. Keep looking and write a list of the bad points about your chosen place to try and put yourself off!

RainbowFlutterby · 17/07/2015 12:38

I think doing it afterwards would be fine, but still check with your uncle.

Definitely don't do it before.

tocmrpouce · 17/07/2015 12:38

And actually I'd rather find my 'own' venue iyswim. Someone else having the same venue as me would put me off, no matter how nice the place is. People will compare which will be annoying for both you and your uncle.

Seriouslyffs · 17/07/2015 12:39

Ask him. I wouldn't have minded in the slightest, but many would. Are you both having a church wedding before and will it be the same one? He might be pleased that all the relies will have done their moaning about the journey between the two venues at your wedding first!