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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married at the same venue.....

153 replies

SunnyStriker · 17/07/2015 12:24

Ok I am not a bridezilla, plan on a totally relaxed stress free wedding. However......

My uncle (same age as me) and his fiance have been planning their wedding for a year and the date is set for August 2015. We see my uncle and his family fairly often and are reasonably close to them but have never discussed wedding plans with them.

My fiance and I got engaged a few weeks ago and have been looking at venues. We want to get married next spring.
Looked at a venue yesterday that we have both fallen in love with. It ticks all of our boxes.
We provisionally booked a date for next June, just need to find out if registrar can do that date before we put a deposit down.

I phoned my mum it tell her about the venue and she said "oh that's where uncle is getting married".

We can't swoop in and use it a couple of months before their long planned wedding can we?? Would that break some kind of wedding code??

We really love it and I think will struggle to find anywhere else that will compare.

AWBU to book it?

OP posts:
cashewnutty · 17/07/2015 19:12

Fuck sake, it's just a wedding venue. Do what you like. You wouldn't quibble if you both wanted the local church and the village hall would you?

fedupofthisshit · 17/07/2015 19:19

I really don't understand why people get so uptight about weddings. I was engaged (though it all went tits up in the end) and I really couldn't care whether somebody else had gotten married in "our" venue before us. To me, the marriage and joining together of the two people is more important than where or when it happens. I think if a friend or family member is worth having at your wedding, they won't care if they've been there before a month, a week or years even before! That said, I know it does matter a lot to some people and as others have said, it'd be worth chatting to your uncle. Believe me, I understand where you're coming from and I don't think you should have to censor your plans based on other people but does it have to be June 2016? Can it wait a few months? Good luck with the planning and the joys of family politics :)

specialsubject · 17/07/2015 20:34

what wowfudge said. Which is a reaction I have quite a lot.

try a registry office. You'll be in a queue of weddings. Guess what? It is still a valid wedding!

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 17/07/2015 20:40

I personally wouldn't have minded at all if this had happened to me... But I can see that some people would. I'd give him a call and explain, you didn't copy him, this happened by chance. And offer to do it 5 weeks after as well, no one can complain about you using the same venue after he's had his!

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2015 20:45

If you ask him, you're putting him and his fiancé right on the spot.

They'll probably say it's fine, even if they're really upset.

You shouldn't do it.

Postchildrenpregranny · 17/07/2015 20:47

Many years ago I was a bridesmaid for two sets of friends.The receptions were at the same venue ten days apart .Couple one went to couple two's wedding .I dont think the menu was the same but it may have been.It did feel a bit weird sitting at the same place on
the top table (albeit wearing a different dress) but I don't think anyone else thought so . Why are people so precious about these things ?

NameChange30 · 17/07/2015 21:09

I agree with Anon:
"you need to present it to them in a way that makes it clear that you are OK for them to say if they mind and will respect that with no hard feelings."

Have you decided what to do OP? Are you going to talk to your uncle?

Hygge · 17/07/2015 21:10

YANBU.

You had no idea that your uncle was considering the venue when you provisionally booked it.

DH and I ended up getting married a couple of months before DH's cousin. Not in the same venue, but they had had their wedding planned for months and months and we were engaged at the end of April and married by mid-July.

Their wedding was already booked and planned for September.

They didn't mind, although they were surprised at how quickly we managed to book and plan a wedding. Dh's side of the family went to both weddings and nobody seemed that bothered that ours had been sprung on them a few weeks before his cousin's long-planned one.

We didn't have much choice on the time-scale though, it was either that date in July or waiting until the following year because of DH's work commitments.

Your weddings will be different, even if they are in the same venue. And they can look on your wedding as a chance to see how the venue will handle theirs if they like. That way they can tweak anything they don't like to make sure their day is just how they want it.

Original poster
SunnyStriker · 17/07/2015 21:16

We have decided to look elsewhere. We don't want to put uncle and his fiance on the spot by asking them.
I really wouldn't mind if it was a reverse situation but I can see that some would and to be honest I think they might.
They have had to scrimp and save for the wedding. Money is the reason they haven't done it sooner.
We'll find somewhere equally lovely I'm sure.

OP posts:
Hygge · 17/07/2015 21:25

Are you absolutely sure they are using that venue though?

TheRealAmyLee · 17/07/2015 21:28

I got engaged after a close friend of mine and married 8 months before her. People did call me a thunder stealer but I ignored it as SHE didn't care a jot because she chose to spend literally years planning her wedding and I went from engaged to married in under a year. If you spend years planning a wedding imo it doesn't give you the right to essentially "reserve" a venue for 2 years (and however long afterwards)

Saying that in these circumstances I would think about the following:

I would not WANT the same venue as a family member because whichever way round it was done it makes it far too easy to make direct comparisons between weddings (especially as likely half the guest list is identical) which I think could put a dampener on BOTH days.

Even if your uncle is totally fine with it judging by the replies on here a LOT of other people will think badly of you for it, you may even find yourself with some wedding boycotters. Weddings have enough drama, do you really need more?

TheRealAmyLee · 17/07/2015 21:33

Oops cross posted. I think you made the smart choice OP. I would double check the venue with them though tbh. I'm assuming they know you are engaged so I would casually say "we are looking at planning our own wedding and were just wondering where yours is so we can avoid a venue clash." It's not like you are asking for details so you can copy you are asking one simple question so you can avoid the drama using the smae venue may cause. They may be relieved you asked so they don't have to stress about it.

MrsNuckyThompson · 17/07/2015 21:36

YABU. I think that would be a horrid thing to do to someone.

MrsNuckyThompson · 17/07/2015 21:37

And for what it's worth I don't think asking them is right either. You're then putting them in a horrible position. Get another venue.

differentnameforthis · 18/07/2015 05:02

We'll find somewhere equally lovely I'm sure.
Looked at a venue yesterday that we have both fallen in love with. It ticks all of our boxes.

Sorry op but this is so sad! That you would risk not finding somewhere as lovely as the one you have found because OMG, someone else is getting married there the same year as you, is upsetting. You sound really down about it, is that your uncle would want?

Would they want you to not have YOUR dream wedding in a place you fell in love with because a bunch of people on the internet said you would be "stealing his thunder?"

If he is that much of an arse that he would object to you having the same venue as him, he deserves to have his fucking thunder stolen!!

Weddings are individual, they have different themes, different set ups, you can write your own vows, it really shouldn't be this hard!!

Redglitter · 18/07/2015 06:09

If your uncle hasn't told you this is where his wedding is and there's no save the date cards been sent then I don't think you're being unreasonable

I've been to 2 weddings in the same venue within a short period of time and really you'd hardly have realised.

the menu was different, colour scheme was different, tables were different and the room layout was different. Once you were inside you'd never have really noticed.

at the very least I'd double check he's booked it. Your mum might have just heard it mentioned as an option

sykadelic · 18/07/2015 06:18

I live in a small town. Same venue happens a LOT and no-one cares.

You can't plan your life around someone else. It would be different if you'd heard where they were getting married and THEN swooped in and "stolen" their venue a few months before them... you didn't know they'd picked that one.

Also, wedding's look markedly different depending on centrepieces, lighting, table cloths/chairs etc. They may even appreciate some ideas and using some of your "left overs" to help with their budget (like say tea light candle holders).

I say mention it "I told DM the venue we had picked for our wedding in June and she mentioned that you were also planning that location. I didn't want you to feel awkward about it so do you want to talk to [his fiancee] and let me know if that's okay? If it's not we'll look elsewhere :)"

Also, not ALL the people invited would be the same.

PageNotFound404 · 18/07/2015 06:20

I think you're being very understanding and sensible, OP. I hope you find the perfect alternative venue. There are so many lovely places to choose from these days, each with their own different charms, that it's entirely possible you'll find somewhere that turns out to be even better for you and your fiancé.

Fallout4 · 18/07/2015 06:49

This is ridiculous...so the rule is whoever gets engaged first gets first dibs on the venue??
No I think you'll find that normal people couldn't care less because it's not about the venue it's about the Union of 2 people who want to spend the rest of their lives together which just goes to show you how it's all about the wedding and not the bit after (marriage), no wonder marriages don't last these days.
Personally op if my sibling, cousin or other family member wanted to get married in the same place I was it wouldn't bother me at all in fact I would be delighted for them. Going from what's been said on here I would let them know your plans although I don't think you need to ask permission because they don't own the venue for goodness sake.
What's all this wedding etiquette crap anyhow? Can people not just get married whichever way, whenever they like anymore.

RJnomore · 18/07/2015 06:53

Jesus people actually give a shiny shit about this stuff?

Good lord.

People actually care where someone else holds a party Nd would get upset if the used the same, commercially available, venue as them?

BellsaRinging · 18/07/2015 06:56

Wouldn't bother me at all, but obviously people on here think differently...

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/07/2015 08:41

Agree with Absolutely!

I too think it's a crying shame to 'give up' the venue.... Coming from a rural area I've gone to several weddings in the same venue-all felt different...
Please do not let tje bridezilla comments put you off...

Have you seriously thought of doing a joint celebration?? Your uncle may be delighted to share the costs and the fun... It would substantially cut costs... And you could have a bigger celebration and your guests (i assume a lot of overlap -? Won't have the hassle of two separate outfits!!). One of tje best weddings i went to was a joint celebration!

diddl · 18/07/2015 08:48

What a sham that you spoke to your mum.

Otherwise you could have booked the place you wanted!

NewFlipFlops · 18/07/2015 09:06

Well done OP.

ArmfulOfRoses · 18/07/2015 09:17

Dh and I got married, mil and her df liked the venue so much they booked it for their wedding which was a couple of months after ours.
I LOVED being back in our venue with my dh, it never ever occurred to either of us to be annoyed and I can honestly say that if they had booked for before ours I would have been thrilled to get to witness a 'run through' for how our ceremony would go.