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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married at the same venue.....

153 replies

SunnyStriker · 17/07/2015 12:24

Ok I am not a bridezilla, plan on a totally relaxed stress free wedding. However......

My uncle (same age as me) and his fiance have been planning their wedding for a year and the date is set for August 2015. We see my uncle and his family fairly often and are reasonably close to them but have never discussed wedding plans with them.

My fiance and I got engaged a few weeks ago and have been looking at venues. We want to get married next spring.
Looked at a venue yesterday that we have both fallen in love with. It ticks all of our boxes.
We provisionally booked a date for next June, just need to find out if registrar can do that date before we put a deposit down.

I phoned my mum it tell her about the venue and she said "oh that's where uncle is getting married".

We can't swoop in and use it a couple of months before their long planned wedding can we?? Would that break some kind of wedding code??

We really love it and I think will struggle to find anywhere else that will compare.

AWBU to book it?

OP posts:
dreamoutloud · 17/07/2015 13:23

Surprised by all the replies tbh. I come from a fairly rural location and most people use the same few locations for their wedding. As you say that's how it is where you are surely it wouldn't come as a big surprise. And you didn't even know it was the same when you chose it...

pinkyredrose · 17/07/2015 13:24

Anyone who can't see a problem with it has no imagination or empathy

Or they've got common sense. Empathy! Give me a break!

NewFlipFlops · 17/07/2015 13:26

Or sense of humour.

ginnybag · 17/07/2015 13:26

Same venue sooner - YABU, unless both your uncle and his bride to be explicitly and honestly tell you it's okay. Would you really not care if someone 'stole' your wedding like that. You would also have to be sure that you wouldn't spend the whole thing muttering to your partner about what you liked/disliked/were doing differently etc, rather than being a guest.

Different venue sooner - YANBU. There are no save the date cards or invites out and it's a year away.

Same venue after - YANBU - but you'll look like you've got no imagination unless you come right away from the 'standard' wedding template, or he does, and it will invite comparisons from shared guests. Are you going to be happy if they're not in your favour

ZenNudist · 17/07/2015 13:28

Fine to get married before them but not in same venue. Fine to use the venue after them.

Another vote for talking to them to see if they mind you getting your preferred date and venue, they might not mind.

It's a knees up. Presumably local to all your family. Don't think they get to call dibs on everything just because they got engaged first.

You're going to have similar problem with hen/stag?

TheCraicDealer · 17/07/2015 13:29

If there's actually such a lack of wedding venues why were you so surprised that your uncle was getting married at this particular place? Surely if there's not much choice you could've guessed, and it sounds like you were already aware of the date.

Just do it in the same place in Autumn/Winter. You'll also benefit from everything being cheaper and guests not suffering from wedding fatigue.

Want2bSupermum · 17/07/2015 13:30

Speak to your uncle and his fiancé in person and ask them directly. If I were your uncle I would be suggesting we join forces and do a joint celebration to keep costs down. Not everyone thinks like that though.

MehsMum · 17/07/2015 13:32

roll on a few years and the event of the wedding usurps the meaning of the marriage and it is an issue. I don't think it should matter but it probably does.
This.

I just don't get the whole over-the-topness of a lot of weddings, 'my one special day', all of that. A wedding is when two people make a public commitment to love and care for each other permanently. That's what matters. Not the colours, the number of bridesmaids, whether it's a pay bar or not, sit down or buffet, how many tiers on the cake. Yes, it's nice to have a good party to celebrate something worth celebrating but the party is not the wedding.

Sorry for ranting: I am not having a go at the OP. If I were the uncle, I wouldn't give a rat's arse if you married in the same place as me before me or after me, but for the sake of family harmony, since clearly not everyone thinks like I do, and since some people cannot resist the chance to have a damned good stir, it might be as well to have word with your uncle and his other half and perhaps have your wedding after his.

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2015 13:33

I expect loads of people get married there...I don't see an issue.

Not like it's the same day, an hour before!

Bogeyface · 17/07/2015 13:33

Before them anywhere else is NU, you can get married whenever the hell you like. However before them at a venue they have already booked does seem a bit "thunder stealing" and yes it would bother me if I was the Uncle or his fiancee.

I also wouldnt do it at the same venue within 6 months or so in order to avoid the deja vu that will inevitable happen. If they are getting married in August next year, could you do it in May 2017 at that venue?

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2015 13:39

So op has to find somewhere where NO ONE is getting married within the next millennium, in case she steals their thunder...

Come ON!!! Only on MN would this be an issue. I bet if OP posted that her uncle booked his wedding a few weeks before her she would be called bridezilla, precious, entitled etc!

Oh be careful if you have a baby & want it Christened op...you know that they tend to do a few a the same service now, don't you? Don't go stealing anyone's thunder, will you!

Mrsbird311 · 17/07/2015 13:47

It's not their venue or your venue it's just a venue, if invitations haven't gone out from your uncle I think it's fine to crack on and book it , you might want to run it past them first to see if they are really bothered , I wouldn't be but I know some people can be funny, or you can do as my sil did and cancel the other wedding so that her sister could be the first to use the venue, that was going a bit far!!

CassieBearRawr · 17/07/2015 13:56

YANBU in the slightest. It's a wedding venue. You are getting married. So are they. You can't avoid everything that would upset everyone, so just go for it

NameChange30 · 17/07/2015 13:59

"A wedding before theirs is unreasonable even in a different venue?"
No. Some would disagree but I think it's ok to get married before them in a different venue.
I don't think it would be a disaster to use the same venue after their wedding - especially if there are a limited number of licensed venues in your area - but ideally there would be a decent interval of time.

OP, how would you and your uncle feel about a double wedding?! Grin (Joking, I assume couples wouldn't want that unless they were very close!)

Others specialsubject can rant all they want but I do think a venue makes a big difference to a wedding, especially if you're doing it all (ceremony and reception) in one place. So two weddings at the same venue in the same season will feel very similar even if the people and the details are different. Usually couples want their wedding to feel like a "special day" (even though lots of couples get married) so I think it is thunder stealing to jump in and have a very similar wedding (which it would be if the venue was the same) just a couple of months beforehand.

WyrdByrd · 17/07/2015 14:08

I don't think it's necessarily UR in the circumstances you describe.

Also the nature of the wedding may be completely different depending for example whether it's a young uncle marrying for the first time or an older uncle remarrying - the overall feel of the wedding could be completely different.

Definitely have a chat with them first & I would think the second date would cause fewer raised eyebrows.

WyrdByrd · 17/07/2015 15:12

Just noticed uncle is same age which I think will make it trickier.

derxa · 17/07/2015 15:36

In the area that I got married there were about 3 venues that everyone got married in. I've never heard such a load of drivel as has been spouted on this thread. This idea of a wedding being a dream day is a recent phenomenon. It's an important day but the rest is just flummery.
YANBU. A family which falls out over having two weddings at one venue Hmm

wowfudge · 17/07/2015 15:48

I have plenty of imagination and empathy. I find the hysterical 'don't do it' responses ridiculous though. The OP has stated they are in a rural location and she doesn't want to make her guests have to travel. She sounds like a very reasonable person.

When it comes down to it, it's one day and some people attach far too much importance to the minutiae of weddings than the actual marriage service itself.

Two good reasons for one family to party in the same year. Go for it.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/07/2015 16:20

I'm not big into the whole it's our big day thing but l still think it would be unfair to pick same place a few weeks before. It's a bit mean and don't ask your uncle as guys don't care. Ask his bride and your uncles mom. They won't like it. It just makes their day less as everyone feels it's just a rerun.l think that anyone that doesn't get that is missing something as it's blatantly obvious to me. It's because it's family!!

SilverDragonfly1 · 17/07/2015 16:23

incredibly odd responses. What if both family members were planning to get married in the same parish church? It's just a building. As long as you aren't also planning to have the same dresses, colours, flowers and menu as your uncle, it's a non-issue.

SilverDragonfly1 · 17/07/2015 16:26

In fact, even if you did have the same dresses etc, it would be a non issue as long as you weren't doing so as a deliberate act of spite. The whole 'rerun' thing is ridiculous. Does everyone on the thread also refuse to go to restaurants, pubs and theatre shows if another family member has been there within the last year?

DinosaursRoar · 17/07/2015 16:47

A couple of months before in a different venue would be fine - it's not 'thunder stealing' and if they see it that way, they really shouldn't be doing an 18 month lead up to their wedding, it's reasonable to get engaged and married in the space of a year, so they can't be surprised that other people do get married during hte same year as them! (Big families and/or friendship groups does mean that the idea that you couldn't have 2 weddings to go to in one summer is silly, fondly remember the summer before we got engaged when we realised there was only 2 weekends between easter and September where there wasn't either a wedding or a hen or stag do for us to go to).

As you are rural, that does change things rather, it does limit your options and it wouldn't be as surprising to have weddings in the same venues - particularly for families where a church wedding is the norm and so there's even more limits based on where's a reasonable distance for a reception from the 'family' church.

I would consider looking at other venues, but if you can't find another one you like, then don't not have the wedding you want to avoid potentially upsetting your Uncle and Aunt, ask them first if it bothers them!

Christelle2207 · 17/07/2015 16:56

I think you may get away with using the venue a few weeks after uncle's but the guests (including yourself) would surely make comparisons between the two events and make yours less unique. It's unfortunate but I think the best thing to do is look at other venues. I would have loved to have married at the venue where my BFF had her wedding but never seriously considered it because many guests would draw comparisons.

Anon4Now2015 · 17/07/2015 17:05

Speak to your uncle and his DP about both date options. Personally I'd be fine with it, though can understand why other people wouldn't be. It would be a shame to avoid the venue you like though because other people on here have said to, only to then find out that your uncle and his DP wouldn't have minded at all. I think though that you need to present it to them in a way that makes it clear that you are OK for them to say if they mind and will respect that with no hard feelings.

whois · 17/07/2015 18:19

Yeah, I think you can;t book it before. After, ok. Before, not ok.