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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go to work collegues leaving do

128 replies

booboo57 · 28/05/2015 23:18

When I have just been signed off with stress due to impending redundancy. Really close colleague but i can't go can I?
Be gentle with me first post ever.

OP posts:

Trills · 28/05/2015 23:20

Why can't you go?

You've been signed off work by your doctor, who believes you are too unwell to go to work.

Has your doctor said you are too unwell to go to social gatherings?

Trills · 28/05/2015 23:21

If you feel the need to, try to look a bit wan and act as if you are making a big effort because you like this colleague so much.

Fluffcake · 28/05/2015 23:23

Don't turn up with a sun tan though! Had a colleague do this and it didn't go down very well.

AuntyMag10 · 28/05/2015 23:27

Yanbu, you should be able to go but you do know how that will come across. We can tell you it shouldn't matter, but we are not the rest of your colleagues.

Original poster

booboo57 · 28/05/2015 23:32

I was thinking dark glasses, no make up poss joggers etc. Thing is now I've been signed off and don't have to put up with work carp I feel really great and ready to party. (God now I know why people post on MN you can say things that you wouldn't dare in RL)

OP posts:

FeijoaSundae · 28/05/2015 23:33

You can go, and technically it should be fine, but people's perception of you going won't necessarily match up.

I'm going to zip up a flame-proof suit and come right out and admit that if a colleague had been signed off with stress due to impending redundancy, but then pitched up for the fun stuff at a leaving do, I'd be raising eyebrows.

whois · 28/05/2015 23:33

I'm not sure being signed off with stress and then going to a work social event would go down that well. Probabky be ok if you go right at the start and don't stay late or get drunk or anything!

MissJoMarch · 28/05/2015 23:33

I wouldn't go. Arrange to meet your friend for a lovely lunch at your house, break that 'don't get too involved with work colleagues' type taboo and have a good chat

Be kind to yourself

DoJo · 28/05/2015 23:34

I agree with AuntyMag that it depends on the culture of your workplace. Is it something you could discuss with your manager beforehand? Just explain that you really want to go and see your friend off and you feel as though a non-work event with colleagues would be manageable despite your condition. The response should tell you everything you need to know and they or you can let people know you are coming in advance to ward off any potential awkwardness.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/05/2015 23:36

Of course you can. And if you're going to be made redundant, what does it matter if someone at the company doesn't approve anyway?
If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. It really is that simple.

Silverdaisy · 28/05/2015 23:42

Does impending redundancy mean it will definitely happen? or are you and other colleagues facing uncertainty regarding jobs?

WanderingAboutRandomly · 28/05/2015 23:58

I wouldn't go.

PoppyBlossom · 28/05/2015 23:59

I wouldn't, and I think in the working world you will get judged for it. Arrange a private thing with your work colleague.

Original poster

booboo57 · 28/05/2015 23:59

My last long post seems to have got loST. Thanks for all your advice need to sleep on it.

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 29/05/2015 00:00

If you get pissed and dance on the table to ABBA, eyebrows might be raised about exactly how stressed you are.

Go by all means, but make sure it's about the person leaving and your response to that, not about your big night out. You should be fine. If you talk to anyone in management, be sure to mention how you're not sleeping/whatever your symptoms are.

Hope you send off your colleague well.

PtolemysNeedle · 29/05/2015 00:06

A colleague of mine did it, it was lovely to see her and none of us were stupid enough to think that the incredibly difficult situation that led to the time off work was in any way comparable to going out for dinner and drinks with some work mates.

SilverBirch2015 · 29/05/2015 00:06

Will it not be pretty upsetting and stressing for you to attend? I personally would be cautious about going, the idea may sound fun, but can you cope OK if a couple of people make snide remarks.

Stress is a funny old condition and can be triggered in a situation that you can normally easily cope with. If it has been caused with the work situation meeting colleagues may not be such a good idea.

BackforGood · 29/05/2015 00:08

I agree it depends on the culture of your workplace. When a colleague has been signed off from our team, we are delighted if they can come along and see us for an hour rather than hiding away - that said, our 'dos' are likely to be a lunch or afternoon tea rather than a raucous night of partying - maybe yours aren't

blueshoes · 29/05/2015 00:15

You should not go or if you do, make any more than a token appearance.

It does not make sense to an outsider that you are too stressed to go to work but not too stressed for a knees up. I would totally question your condition but then again, maybe you don't care what your colleagues think if you are going to be made redundant anyway. If your redundancy has not yet been confirmed, then even more reason not to put that kernel of doubt in your managers' minds.

UptheChimney · 29/05/2015 08:16

I agree with blueshoes -- if you go, just pop in, at the very beginning, go straight to colleague you want to say goodbye to, say your thing, then leave.

I do understand about stressful jobs -- having worked through close to breakdown once, but I'd be pretty if a colleague told me that once signed off, "I feel really great and ready to party" or acted in that way, I'd find it hard to understand or respect them.

Why can't you see this colleague privately or maybe at the end of a working day on one of his/hr last days? But I really wouldn't go to the leaving do.

Mistigri · 29/05/2015 08:22

When you say impending redundancy, is this certain?

If it is - just go. The decision to sign you off is your doctor's alone. It does not mean you cannot leave your house. Just avoid drinking too much or saying anything stupid.

I'd be more cautious if you still hope to save your job, but if you are off work with stress then perhaps you want to be made redundant?

ItsTricky · 29/05/2015 08:23

I wouldn't go. I would think of another way to say goodbye to the colleague. Meet up for coffee and cake or something.

TinyMonkey · 29/05/2015 08:27

I was actually in this situation many years ago. I'd been signed off for a couple of weeks due to depression/stress. I just called manager and asked if she thought it would be ok if I popped along to the pub to bid farewell to a close colleague. She positively encouraged it.

Being stressed or depressed doesn't mean that you have to sit at home being a hermit, quite the opposite surely?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 29/05/2015 08:31

I went to Mallorca when I was off sick, I didn't realise it wasn't the done thing

whois · 29/05/2015 08:32

Being stressed or depressed doesn't mean that you have to sit at home being a hermit, quite the opposite surely?

No.... But it's tricky. I guess lots of people at work are facing redundancy. Someone getting signed off stress does out extra pressure on the team. Rightly or wrongly, it looks really bad if you then turn up to a work night out and are the life and soul of the party.

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