AIBU to go to work collegues leaving do

[booboo57]

When I have just been signed off with stress due to impending redundancy. Really close colleague but i can't go can I?
Be gentle with me first post ever.

It doesn't seem odd at all, it's perfectly logical - going for a knees-up and a good time is far more preferable than going into work, which is why the OP was considering it.

But, for the sake of one night out vs the way it most likely will be perceived long-term others, it's just not worth it.

I've been made redundant (thankfully got another job in the same company) and I was devastated. I don't think I've ever completely recovered. I've been involved in (survived) two redundancy processes since.
I've also had extended time off with MH issues a long time ago.
I'm glad you've decided not to go because the emotional impact might have been distressing if you're already in a bad place.
I hope you feel better soon.

I'm glad you've decided not to go BooBoo, I think in the long term it will be better for you by ensuring that they can't refuse you a reference or anything similar.

I think some of the things on this thread are just perfect examples of why some advice on Mumsnet is dreadful.

Yes invisible illnesses should be treated in exactly the same way as a broken leg. But we all know that they're not treated in the same way. Just because people want to make some sort of political or social statement, telling somebody to do something that may harm their future employment prospects purely because you think a point should be made is irresponsible.

I'm glad the OP had the sense not to listen.

Not going couldn't have hurt the OP's situation. Going might have done. It was a no brainer.

even with a so called visible illness colleagues are not always sympathetic to time off sick.
speaking as one who was off for half a year and am now back, to not much sympathy, more complaints about how they had no help.

It's not down to being 'educated' or 'open minded' - it's about the culture of the organisation and team, their workloads, their own personal stresses and so on and on.

I wouldn't go either and second those who suggested a coffee with colleague instead. I think going may stress you out more as you may come home and torture yourself if it was the right thing to do, did such and such think such and such etc.

I work with lovely people but when our then boss refused to get maternity cover for me they weren't particularly pleased to see me when I popped in with the baby because they were drowning. Luckily the frustration and resentment eventually got channelled in the right direction and we got a new boss. If management handle a situation badly it can drive a wedge through a good team. We still get on well, helped by the fact that I acknowledged what they went through. These are all mature, decent people who got pushed to breaking point.

You should be able to go. But I wouldn't. Because there is still such a high level of ignorance/intolerance out there about all forms of mental illness. So there would be a high risk of some idiots thinking the whole "If she's well enough to party, she's clearly malingering" rubbish.

Burnt, I am afraid your latest posts prove Aer's point.

Your colleagues may be enlightened but that does not chime with the majority of workplaces and why should you think so? The OP does not need to show up just to prove her colleagues are "closed-minded and ignorant" to the potential detriment of her own mental condition and job prospects.

Burnt I have suffered from MH issues all my life.

If you have been lucky enough to go through life finding people are universally supportive and understanding then you are incredibly lucky, possibly to the point of being unique.

It's not the experience of most people. I think it's an incredibly lucky person (particularly in the private sector) who hasn't had time off and come back to find that at best they're labelled weird and a malingerer and has friendships withdrawn, at worst lost their job. I know once in a round of redundancies it marked my card, whereas a colleague who'd taken a similar amount of time off for a chest infection they had no issue with.

People gave the OP advice based on an ideal world. Unfortunately we don't live in one. And there is a real person behind the OP. And she will need another job and a decent reference. She isn't an opportunity for making a political point or statement that might damage her future.

I'm not being unkind, I'm being realistic. Going out for drinks isn't worth jeopardising your future.

I wouldn't go. A few years back I was signed off with flu for a week. We had an event in the village I'd been heavily involved in one evening and by then I only had one more day signed off and was feeling a bit better but still very lethargic. Dh drove to the hall and all I did was walk in and sit for 45 minutes before dh drove us home again and I went to bed. My boss found out but her version was that I was up and dancing all night long. our relationship was never the same as she felt lied to and I knew I didn't do anything wrong. It's just easier not to put yourself in that position.

It's not nice no. And I have been on the sharp end of it more than once. But you are very lucky Burnt, your family, friends and colleagues sound very understanding and clued up. Just concentrate on that, it's much more important than what people on a forum have to say.

I'm really sorry you find it upsetting, particularly the comments about malingering. But unfortunately a lot of people in our situation also work with the sort of people who hold the same views as these posters. Although their views are wrong in a work environment it's very hard to challenge them in a way that doesn't harm yourself. As a result you often have to simply 'manage' them in order to protect yourself best from that type of person.

And yes, unfortunately that does often mean missing social occasions, not going on holiday and not going out to pubs etc. It's annoying, but it's also a sensible measure of self protection.

If I had a broken leg, I wouldn't go to the leaving party. If I had any problem/condition/illness that kept me off work, I wouldn't go to a work related social event. So, for me, it's not about the nature of the condition.

No - it's really, really not down to being open minded and educated. Even the most open minded, educated person can react in a less than positive way to a colleague on long term sick leave turning up for a works party if they are under a lot of personal or work related stress - which may very well be exacerbated by having to cover for colleagues absences.

burnt I'm in agreement with you. I find all the resenting posts horrible and saddening.

I have just left my job. It was stressful, damaging to my health, and towards the end of it I was even suicidal. I handed my notice in, worked one week of it, then got signed off the last few weeks for depression. I'm now having counselling and taking medication to help me.

This caused alot of backstabbing from a colleague who referred to herself as my "best friend". I found out she told other colleagues I have left her in the shit, talked about my mh issues in the staff room, apparently made comments along the lines of "maybe I should have a breakdown and get signed off as well as Lottie, to get time off."

I have not risen to this, but it has really hurt me. Why on earth would any person leave their job if they weren't desperate? Its not as if I planned to have a nervous break down. Why the fuck would I choose to be suicidal? I would much rather be of sound mind and be able to cope with my job.

Anyway, just wanted to say please try not to let narrow-minded selfish people make you feel like you have done something wrong. Good mental health is in everybody's best interests, and at the end of the day we only have ourselves and our nearest and dearest to answer to, not work colleagues who act like teenagers

Lottie - whilst your experience is dreadful it's not quite the same as the OPs situation in terms of going/not going to a works party.

And your last derogatory comment about 'acting like teenagers' is very unfair to young people.

You wouldn't necessarily be immune from resentment and judging and bitching if it was a physical problem. Taking broken arms as an example - Someone signed off from my work with a broken arm, who then turned up at a work social do, probably would get a fair number of judgy comments about it.

I work in an office, and most people's jobs are sedentary enough so that working with only one good arm is manageable, especially if the good arm is their dominant one. I know a number of colleagues who have come in and worked with one arm in plaster.

So it's all too easy for me to imagine someone with a broken arm being greeted with comments along the lines of "how come you can get to X's leaving do but not to work?" if they turned up to a work social do while signed off work.

Apologies Sir, It's just an expression. I know not all young people are like that.