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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable?

146 replies

haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:08

And if neither of us are unreasonable how do we resolve fairly?

Pregnant with no2. Last baby.

DH doesn't want to know the sex. I do. We didn't find out last time. We both feel strongly on where we stand right now and both have valid reasonings. But neither of us are budging this time (he didn't want to know last time and I eventually agreed)

How do we resolve this. He isn't happy with me knowing and him not so I'm stumped as to how to move forward..

OP posts:
Clueing4looks · 28/05/2015 20:10

How old is dc1? Could they make the deciding vote?

Hoppinggreen · 28/05/2015 20:10

He is. He can decide if he wants to know but he can't decide if you get to

WorraLiberty · 28/05/2015 20:11

What is your reasoning for wanting/not wanting to know?

fairgame · 28/05/2015 20:11

He is being unreasonable.
He can't say you can't find out just because he doesn't want to.
DP stayed in the room after our scan and found what we were having. I didn't want to know and he never told me.

WaitingForMe · 28/05/2015 20:11

Hoppinggreen is correct.

WashingUpFairy · 28/05/2015 20:11

Just find out and don't tell him what it is. He doesn't haves to like it.

MumRaah · 28/05/2015 20:11

Can't you find out the sex and just not tell him?Confused

CatsCantTwerk · 28/05/2015 20:12

Neither of You ABU. If Your dh does not want to know it would be unfair to tell him. Is there any reason why you MUST know?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/05/2015 20:12

He needs to let you find out. But it would be unfair of you to let him know, if he doesn't want to.

WashingUpFairy · 28/05/2015 20:13

*have

It's stupid that you can't edit your own posts.

ScorpioMermaid · 28/05/2015 20:14

I'd do what fairgame said. just mention it to the sonogropher and send dh outside when they tell you.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 28/05/2015 20:15

He doesn't have to know the sex if he doesn't want to, you can find out if you want to but he is being unreasonable in saying that because he doesn't want to know you cannot find out.

CrohnicallyInflexible · 28/05/2015 20:16

My brother and his wife found out with the first and not the second (or was it the other way round?) Anyway, the idea was they both had their 'turn'. You did as your DH wished last time, now it's your turn. At least, that's the way I see it!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 20:17

We didn't find out last time (DH wanted to, I didn't, I 'won'). We have found out this time- same scenario, I didn't want to know, DH did. It seemed only fair! So he is being unfair IMO. It's about compromise.

Mistigri · 28/05/2015 20:17

It's up to you whether you find out, and up to him if he doesn't want to know. He doesn't have to stay in the room for the scan and if he's dead set on not knowing then it's probably best he doesn't (sometimes depending on the baby's position you don't even need to be told).

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 20:17

Cross posted with Chronically, that's exactly what happened here.

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:20

Sorry I didn't wish to drip feed but didn't want to overload the op.

Dd is 4, she is desperate to know.

DH doesn't want to know because it's tradition in his family not to.

We have been on a long and hard road to get this far this pregnancy, I am wracked with anxiety and am finding it quite hard to get my head around this time. I am worried that I may be more vulnerable to things like pnd etc, and feel I need to be as in control of it all as possible. This is a tiny, seemingly insignificant thing that to me, feels like a huge chunk of connecting with baby and I hope that the more connected and prepared I feel the better I'm going to cope. This wasn't the case when I had dd so not knowing didn't feel like a huge compromise and I enjoyed it in the end. But it was very different then.. got pregnant easy, textbook pregnancy and birth and I took to motherhood easily.

I feel that my reasons do trump his, but unsure if this is selfish. I would like to find out and not tell him. He says he can't cope with me knowing and him not. But who 'wins'?

In the end I said it was my body and I'd do what I want. He says it's not about my body, it our baby.

Sorry for the trivial post. I realise that this is silly but I can't help it right now.

OP posts:
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 20:25

I do actually think your reasons trump his. Your mental health vs 'family tradition'?! What has tradition got to do with anything?

missymayhemsmum · 28/05/2015 20:25

Toss a coin?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/05/2015 20:27

My answer is still the same. He needs to let you find out, and you need to keep it from him. And from your dc. At 4, I dont think her wishes eclipse the decision you end up coming to with your Dh.

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:27

mayhem I seriously considered suggesting it but if I lose I'll be cross Grin

OP posts:
ItsTricky · 28/05/2015 20:28

I think having one parent knowing and one not is a bit sad. That wouldn't have worked for us. Op, you know your dh bedt. Mine is better left to think about things, if I go on and on and push him into a corner he can't come to a rational decision about anything. Is the scan very soon? Could he change his mind in the excitement of it all? If you really can't agree then, for your own sanity, I think you should ask him to leave the scan while you are told. That's assuming the sonographer can tell the sex for sure.

AliceLidl · 28/05/2015 20:30

I think your reasons for needing to know far outweigh his reasons for not wanting to find out.

It's about far more than your body, from what you've posted here it's also about your emotional health and mental wellbeing.

He can say it's about your baby all he likes, but if you've explained your feelings to him and he's still insisting you don't find out, really it's about him just wanting his own way at your expense.

He doesn't want to know, and he doesn't want you to know either. He's being childish and selfish.

ladygracie · 28/05/2015 20:31

As others have said, you find out but don't tell him. With our dd, xh knew but never told me. I do think your reasons are more valid than his though.

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:33

Tricky, the scan is in 3 weeks so there's time, but I know he won't budge.

The only way I can see to resolve this is to find out and not tell him I know. If he doesn't know I know he gets his surprise and I get my way. But I I know this is deceitful and I'd feel both guilty about going behind his back, and cross that I 'had' to?

OP posts:
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