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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable?

146 replies

haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:08

And if neither of us are unreasonable how do we resolve fairly?

Pregnant with no2. Last baby.

DH doesn't want to know the sex. I do. We didn't find out last time. We both feel strongly on where we stand right now and both have valid reasonings. But neither of us are budging this time (he didn't want to know last time and I eventually agreed)

How do we resolve this. He isn't happy with me knowing and him not so I'm stumped as to how to move forward..

OP posts:
chickenfuckingpox · 28/05/2015 20:33

make a new tradition, the other persons feelings count!

i didnt find out with number one i had a tough pregnancy at the start number two and i found out it helped me bond with him knowing it was a him and with number three i found out for shopping purposes as i already had one of each plus i got to choose the name with three (i had no input with one or two)

i think you should find out with us it helped us get used to the house move we would have to make as i had an eight year old dd and a son on the way it was not going to work long term for us

Brummiegirl15 · 28/05/2015 20:34

Hmmm not sure I agree with "your body argument" always trumping his point of view. It's a bit unfair. - he is quite right when he says it's "our baby"

You will always win the " it's my body argument" so it's a little unfair on him in that respect.

But I totally understand how you feel. I've never wanted to know but I'm now pregnant for the 4th time after 3 mc's and actually now I do want to know. Because I'm frightened I'll lose this one and if I do I know I will want to know boy or girl so my baby can have a name and I can grieve.

So I do understand the need to know.

I think you find out and he leaves the room so he doesn't know. He can't say "I don't want you knowing" because that is really unfair.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 20:38

What is his response when you tell him your reasons for wanting to know? He sounds really unfeeling (even cruel) to me. How does family tradition even compare to your reasons?

Ninnypie · 28/05/2015 20:39

Even though I think it's nicer not knowing, I agree with you. Your dh had his way last time and this time it's for you to decide.

And he's being a bit mean given your anxiety.

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:42

He thinks that I'm 'just hormonal' and it doesn't matter what sex the baby is (obviously not!) He isn't grasping it.

As a husband and father he is honestly one of the best. But every now and then he 'puts his foot down' so to speak and just won't discuss.

Not finding out is just the way it's done in his side of the family and it seems he's just not willing to deviate.

His brother and his wife found out with thier last, last year (SIL had preferences) and there was a whole hooha and air of dissapointment over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:43

Their ... need a bloomin edit button.

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 28/05/2015 20:44

We had the same issue when I was pregnant with Dc2, I wanted to know with our first child my Dh did'nt I think it was pressure from him Dm that he should'nt know, so I said Ok will wait until the birth.

When I fell pregnant with our second child I said this time I'm going to find out the sex, Dh did'nt want to know neither did his mother who was quite vocal on the issue, I said right then I will go for the scan on my own and find out the sex and not tell you if that's what you want.

Went for the scan and was told I was having a Dd, as soon as I pulled up in the car my Dh said what are you having I refused to tell him, eventually he was adamant he wanted to know so I told him, then his Dm also wanted to know.

I'm glad I dug my heels in and did what I wanted, I do totally understand people not wanting to know though, just for me I did.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 20:44

I don't understand why other people care whether people find out or not. My mum was disappointed when we found out this time as it ruined the surprise, apparently. Regardless of the fact that it was our 'surprise', not hers!

WiIdfire · 28/05/2015 20:47

Suggest to him that you both find out but keep it secret from his family?

vvviola · 28/05/2015 20:48

If it's about the fuss his family will make, can you not tell them you know.

That's what we did for DD2. DH and I found out (DH was slightly more keen to know than I was) but told everyone we didn't know. I even made a show of only taking out the unisex clothes from the attic (to be fair, all DD1's early clothes were unisex anyway).

Kept everyone happy.

WiIdfire · 28/05/2015 20:48

...and obviously keep it secret from everyone else aswell, you cant just keep it secret from one side of the family!

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:48

They are a very close family. I come from a shoddy childhood and crappy family so my views on his families involvement are skewed so I try not to overthink thier opinions. I'm not used to people caring like that!

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 28/05/2015 20:49

He is. He can decide if he wants to know but he can't decide if you get to

Exactly this.

hoobypickypicky · 28/05/2015 20:49

Yes it's your body and your choice. Finding out and not telling him isn't deceitful, it's acting in accordance with his wish not to know.

In the light of your later posts I think you've an even greater reason to know. You don't need that reason though, you just need to do as you want to regarding the baby which your body is carrying.

Good luck and happiness.

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:49

Oh fgs. Why is my phone screwing with my theirs*

OP posts:
Hassled · 28/05/2015 20:53

People really don't have family traditions about knowing the sex of the baby. You have family traditions about Christmas Eve - not about sonography. Your DH doesn't get to decide whether you get to know - you have valid, important reasons for knowing and hiding behind some bollocks "family tradition" thing is piss poor.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/05/2015 20:54

You don't need that reason though, you just need to do as you want to regarding the baby which your body is carrying

I hate that bollocks. The op's Dh has no choice in the matter. Do you think he should get pregnant next time hooby?

shoofly · 28/05/2015 21:00

I think in this situation your feelings count more than his. He can leave the room if he doesn't want to know.

With DS2 - DH desperately wanted to know and I really didn't. We had private antenatal care following a really bad experience with DS1. The consultant told DH that given I was going through pregnancy and labour, my wishes were more important. I had a planned c section and the excitement from the theatre staff was so infectious because they said it was so rare for them to have a surprise one!

SolidGoldBrass · 28/05/2015 21:00

In absolutely everything to do with pregnancy and childbirth the woman's wishes have priority. You are the one having the baby, so you are the one whose wishes matter the most. Particularly as his only stated reason for trying to get his own way is some crap about 'tradition' - which is a very longstanding excuse men use to try and make women obey them.

I hope your H is otherwise a nice man. The trouble with a lot of otherwise decent enough men is they really can't handle the idea that they are, even temporarily, less important than their female partner and should be prioritising her wishes and wellbeing over their own.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 28/05/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2015 21:02

I think you should find out just don't tell your husband, but it means you can't tell your DD either as she'll never keep quiet.

What his family want is irrelevant. The 'surprise' is meeting a new person, not what sex they are.

houseofstark · 28/05/2015 21:07

He had his way last time, so you should get yours this time.

And how can his family have a tradition around not finding out? Scans showing gender have only been around approx 40 years!

Original poster
haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 21:09

He truly is a lovely bloke, he has always very much put dd and I first, and I have to admit to getting my way 99% of the time over most things (which is why I wonder if he's being firm over this as he feels strongly about it) but, one of his .. 'things' is that he's never experienced or witnessed mental health issues and so when I had my first ever depressive episode he found it vvv hard. He did did best and we/I came through it.. but he can't fully understand it whereas I feel like I'm now on 'high alert' desperate to avoid ever suffering again. So this feels important to me... to him he's seeing it as black and white, I'm being impatient, the sex doesn't matter anyways and it's not the 'done thing' for him, it's not his families normal so he can't understand why I can't just wait.

OP posts:
OrangeVase · 28/05/2015 21:11

I do think this is a bit silly as you can quite easiliy find out, as I did with both mine, and not tell DH - just as I didn't tell my DP. Neither of us thought twice about it.

I think you are making something into a problem that isn't. Just ask about the sex. Explain that you do not want him to know. Your DD's views are not relevant in this situation. She will be delighted with her new brother or sister.

Enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can and congratulations.

Topseyt · 28/05/2015 21:20

Stuff this "tradition" malarkey. If you want to know just say that you will be asking and that he will be given the chance to leave the room with your 4 year old at that point if he still prefers not to know.

If you do that though then I would suggest not telling your 4 year old either, or she will give it away for sure.

He takes her out with him. If they can tell you the sex then you can still keep it secret by just telling her that they couldn't tell due to the way the baby was lying.

My DH originally said he preferred not to find out with our DD2. He knew I was going to ask though, and when given the chance to leave the room curiosity got the better of him and he stayed to find out, admitting that he was really just as curious as I was.

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