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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable?

146 replies

haroldsfakebluetits · 28/05/2015 20:08

And if neither of us are unreasonable how do we resolve fairly?

Pregnant with no2. Last baby.

DH doesn't want to know the sex. I do. We didn't find out last time. We both feel strongly on where we stand right now and both have valid reasonings. But neither of us are budging this time (he didn't want to know last time and I eventually agreed)

How do we resolve this. He isn't happy with me knowing and him not so I'm stumped as to how to move forward..

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 28/05/2015 21:21

I feel very strongly that this is one of those areas where mum gets to decide. It's your body, if you don't want to know what the sex is, nobody should coerce you into finding out, likewise, if you want to find out, you shouldn't be stopped.

I didn't want to know with either of mine, DH wanted to find out with our first, there was no way anyone was knowing as far as I was concerned, he completely understood and supported my viewpoint. In the end he came round to my way of thinking and with our second he didn't want to know the sex at all. Some people might think I was selfish, but my body, my choice.

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/05/2015 21:24

ThroughThickAndThin No, he has no choice. And that little injustice is a solitary drip in the bucket when compared to the endless physical, emotional and mental difficulties women go through to bring babies into the world.

If she wants to know the gender of the little person she's carrying around for the best part of a year, and that will make her feel a little more happier, she shouldn't have to end up in a debate about it.

Scholes34 · 28/05/2015 21:44

I don't hold with the "It's your body" approach. That would count for something when it comes to a birth plan, but I don't see what difference it makes to a woman what sex a baby is, unless it's having to deal with the disappointment of it not being the gender you were hoping for.

I say that, though, as someone who didn't wish to know with any of my three what sex they were because for me it was irrelevant.

TheNameIWantedIsTaken · 28/05/2015 21:47

Do you think it's maybe tradition because it just wasn't a possibility in their day? My mother was very disappointed that I'd found out the sex of mine, but tough because my need to know far outweighed her want to not know as far as I was concerned. My mother believed I shouldn't find out because they never used to be able to...

ChasedByBees · 28/05/2015 21:50

In your position, I would find out for sure. If I had to, I'd have a private scan without him knowing but cranky, he shouldn't be 'putting his foot down'. He has no right to do that.

AliceLidl · 28/05/2015 21:52

You might actually just be able to tell by looking at the screen during the scan.

We said we didn't want to know, and the woman doing the scan said she wouldn't even look.

And then there it was, bobbing about all over the screen. Either a boy's bits or a giant mushroom. I didn't give the game away to anybody else though, but I knew.

I do think the "your body, your choice" argument is a valid one though. It's not just that the baby is in your body, it's the emotional distress and worry also affecting you physically, and that very much puts the "your body" argument into a different perspective. You have a very good reason for needing to know and every right to ask.

ChasedByBees · 28/05/2015 21:52

Frankly, not Cranky Grin

Doilooklikeatourist · 28/05/2015 21:57

I don't think you should find out
It's the only true surprise
Your child at 4 doesn't have the decision to make
A baby is a blessing and a joy , no matter if a boy or a girl
You can't change it , so why find out

BrockAuLit · 28/05/2015 21:58

I don't agree that you get to decide whether you know because it's your body. (What if you had had a surrogate?)

You get to decide that you find out because it's YOUR baby, just like he gets to decide he won't find out because it's his baby.

He is being unreasonable in controlling your knowledge/feelings about your baby. You're not telling him that you will find out then go tell him.

The reasons you give, although totally understandable, are actually irrelevant to the decision.

AdeleDazeem · 28/05/2015 22:00

He is being very unfair if you wanted to find out the sex for your first but you didn't because of his 'family tradition'.

YsabellStoHelit · 28/05/2015 22:08

Everyone I know who has had one person who didn't want to know the person who wanted to know has found out and not told a soul. Imo it's unreasonable of him to dictate what you do, especially as you bent to his wants last time.

LucyLastik · 28/05/2015 22:08

With DD1 I wanted to know but DH didn't so he went out of the room when they told me. Mil wanted to know too. It really was the best kept secret Grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/05/2015 22:13

How can you have a "family tradition" to not find out the sex??? It has only been available the last 30 years or so.

Does he also have a "family tradition" to not have heart transplants? Or chemo therapy?

Until me, every single one of my ancestors gave birth vaginally. Did I break a family tradition by deciding to have a C-section rather than die in child birth?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/05/2015 22:15

*I don't think you should find out
It's the only true surprise *

Seriously??? Personally I found meeting my children, discovering who they are, what they look like, how much I love them quite surprising. The fact that I already knew that one had a willy and the other didn't didn't stop those two being the two most surprising days of my entire life!

gatlinout · 28/05/2015 22:17

I totally understand your reasons and I felt exactly the same way.

Had a horrible first birth and was extremely anxious throughout pregnancy.

All the lovely 'unknowns' from the first time round just felt like scary horrible things second time round.

Also, I had a 1 yr old when my 2nd was born, I wanted to sort out baby clothes (either giving them away or washing and ironing) before i had the baby and not when I was struggling with 2.

gatlinout · 28/05/2015 22:19

"You can't change it , so why find out"

For practical reasons? To feel more in control? I wouldn't have wanted to change it either way but still wanted to find out.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 28/05/2015 22:20

I am wracked with anxiety and am finding it quite hard to get my head around this time. I am worried that I may be more vulnerable to things like pnd etc, and feel I need to be as in control of it all as possible. This is a tiny, seemingly insignificant thing that to me, feels like a huge chunk of connecting with baby and I hope that the more connected and prepared I feel the better I'm going to cope.

OP, tell him this. Use these words. Anyone who would obstruct you in knowing your own baby's sex is being very unreasonable. He doesn't need to know, you do.

I'm sorry OP, I know you say that he's truly lovely, but he doesn't sound very nice to me. It sounds like you've had a very hard time, and you're very concerned for him. He should be concerned for you. He sounds controlling and selfish.

BettyCatKitten · 28/05/2015 22:29

I feel that your H should validate your feelings in the circumstances. If he doesn't want to know then he can leave the room. This would be a big deal to me.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/05/2015 22:46

It's perfectly OK to decieve a husband who is behaving like a prick BTW. You don't have to obey him. He is not in charge. By all means keep it from him, but you get to decide what you want to know and no one has the right to order you not to. This is not an issue of your H's privacy being invaded.
You could say to him 'I am going to ask, you can leave the room' and then stand firm. If he continues to act like a prick, might be worth having a think about how much more of his behaviour you will tolerate.

FishWithABicycle · 28/05/2015 23:01

He had his way last time. You get your way this time. He can block his ears or leave the room but he doesn't get to make your choice for you.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/05/2015 23:14

There is only one salient point: It's YOUR body. It might be his baby too but right now its in your body and you and only you have the right to decide what happens with it. If you want to find out what is inside your own body he has no right whatsoever to control that.

I'd have a very dim view of anyone who tried to tell me differently. Tell him that if and when things and/or people grow in his body, he can make the decisions on them.

FeelingSmurfy · 28/05/2015 23:16

Don't agree with PP that all decisions are down to mum because her body, as husband said its his baby too

Regardless of which way round it is I think the one who wants to know should find out but nobody else knows until after the other one finds out (whether this is at birth or they crack earlier) that way both get what they want

I don't get the surprise thing either, surely its just as much a surprise when told at scan? At some point the words "its a boy/girl.." Are going to be said, why does the timing increase or decrease the surprise level?

FeelingSmurfy · 28/05/2015 23:21

I think it can be helpful for 4-6yr olds to know in advance, i f they have their hearts set on a little brother and its a girl then they have time to get over that and get excited about a little sister so there is only excitement when the baby is born, if you don't find out then the first days with new baby there is upset rather than bonding

My sisters little girl would say "we are going to wait and see" when asked what she wanted but wheb they found out it was a boy she was really upset, she had it in her head that it was a girl. A few days later she was happily thinking of names for her new brother (Justin beiber...) And when he came she was really happy, excited and proud big sister

RavioliOnToast · 28/05/2015 23:23

ask him to leave the room while you find out

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 29/05/2015 00:50

Who started the tradition? I didn't think gender scanning had been round long enough. It's only been for less than 20 years where I live.
Neither of you can win. I would flick a coin. Heads you find out. Tails you don't.
The sonographer may not to able to see in any case.