Page 4 | who is being unreasonable?

haroldsfakebluetits · 2015-05-28T19:08:57+00:00

And if neither of us are unreasonable how do we resolve fairly? Pregnant with no2. Last baby. DH doesn't want to know the sex. I do. We didn't find out last time. We both feel strongly on where we stand right now and both have valid reasonings. But neither of us are budging this time (he didn't want to know last time and I eventually agreed) How do we resolve this. He isn't happy with me knowing and him not so I'm stumped as to how to move forward..

olgaga · 29/05/2015 01:01

How ridiculous! Tell him if he doesn't want to know, he can leave the room - or not come! That's his decision.

If you want to know, then say you do. That's your decision.

Your 4yo doesn't need to know. He doesn't want to know. You want AND need to know.

So just do what YOU want.

Inertia · 29/05/2015 01:12

Family tradition my arse- sounds as though he's using your insecurities about your family to keep you in line. How can you have a family tradition about technology that's barely existed for 2 generations? It's like insisting that your family tradition is to name boys after parts of the Large Hadron Collider.

This is easy to solve. You want to know the sex of the baby, so you ask. He doesn't want to know - his choice- so he leaves the room when the sonographer looks. You aren't insisting that you be allowed to tell him, because that would be unreasonable. As previous posters have said- he decides what he wants to know; he doesn't get to decide what you find out. He'll just have to cope. Or alternatively, just tell him that you may or may not find out the baby's sex when he leaves the room, so he doesn't have to cope with knowing that you know.

And, until he/she is born, there legally isn't a baby- there is a foetus which exists only as part of your body, therefore all related medical decisions are your decisions to make about your body.

Mandatorymongoose · 29/05/2015 01:39

Bizzare.

As previous posters said it can't be a very historic family tradition - given the option to find out before birth hadn't been around all that long.

Also - it's always a suprise, it's just it's either a suprise at 20 weeks pregnant ish or a suprise on the day. The sex of the baby doesn't get more suprising for waiting another 20 weeks, although I guess it builds the suspense.

If finding out would help you feel more connected and in control OP please do, I did with my 2nd and I do think it made a difference from my 1st pregnancy, it almost gave him more of a personality in my mind.

If DH doesn't want to know he doesn't have to but I don't think he should stop you from finding out.

Mandatorymongoose · 29/05/2015 01:40

Bizzare.

As previous posters said it can't be a very historic family tradition - given the option to find out before birth hadn't been around all that long.

Also - it's always a suprise, it's just it's either a suprise at 20 weeks pregnant ish or a suprise on the day. The sex of the baby doesn't get more suprising for waiting another 20 weeks, although I guess it builds the suspense.

If finding out would help you feel more connected and in control OP please do, I did with my 2nd and I do think it made a difference from my 1st pregnancy, it almost gave him more of a personality in my mind.

If DH doesn't want to know he doesn't have to but I don't think he should stop you from finding out.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/05/2015 03:35

Don't agree with PP that all decisions are down to mum because her body, as husband said its his baby too
This argument is stupid. Finding out the sex of the baby isn't going to change the sex of the baby, or affect 'his' baby at all. All that is going to happen is a tiny bit of information that is important to the OP is going to become lodged in her brain. Or does that belong to her husband too?

firesidechat · 29/05/2015 06:13

I agree with others that the tradition thing is a load of old rubbish. You have to lots of events to make it a tradition and I doubt that there have been that many babies born when you could find out the sex.

Scans didn't exist when my parents had us and they were fairly new when I had mine. I didn't want to know the sex, but I don't think they even offered it as an option in our health authority at the time. My daughter found out with both of hers and it's been lovely for them and us to help imagine the new babies and bond a bit before they are born.

Personally I think both your husband and his family are being very unfair to you.

Also my daughter is trying to keep depression at bay in this pregnancy and we would all do anything to help her. That is the most important thing here, but how you get them to see that is another issue. Arte you close enough to the in laws to have a chat with them about it too? Could you them them on side and use their leverage to help him see sense?

firesidechat · 29/05/2015 06:17

Under certain circumstances a toss of the coin would be a great idea, but not where the op's mental heath is concerned.

I agree that if he is still insisting on this, that the op should find out the sex anyway, but surely there isn't a hope in hell that her husband won't find out one way or another. It would be a tricky secret to keep.

Bluegrass · 29/05/2015 06:26

I bet if OP finds out then her DH will know too before too long. She'll call the baby he or she, or browse gendered clothing or do something to give it away!

Original poster

haroldsfakebluetits · 29/05/2015 06:55

The previous poster who said about it being tradition because the elder generations couldn't know, is spot on. They couldn't know, so all of dp's siblings and cousins went on to decide against knowing etc. Perhaps tradition wasn't the right word to use but you get the jist. Unfortunately I'm not close enough to inlaws to try and get them on side to sway him, it'd be futile anyways as they all feel as strongly about this as he does.

Also another huge yes to the pp who said about it all being lovely and mysterious first time, suddenly seeming scary and unknown 2nd time. This has been unexpected for me after I sailed through pregnancy not.

I think the problem here mostly is that (unless it's a huge thing that drastically affects our lives ofc) he knows I'll do what I want anyways. I guess I just wanted him to 'get it' and be on board with it for me this time. I desperately want to know, and you've all made a v good point that I won't be able to tell my dd, for fear of it ruining it for him.. and now I need to decide if knowing and not being able to tell a soul is going to achieve this connection I need.. if I can't even voice my thoughts and talk about baby being a boy or girl at home. If we did find out I wouldn't want our families to know anyways, I just wanted us to know. .. and it's quite clear that my options are to not find out and hope that this isn't the huge deal I fear it is to my mental health, or find out and not be able to talk about it.

I also feel very, very strongly that it is a certain sex, but I thought the same with dd and was wrong.. which felt like a lovely surprise. This time it feels like if I'm wrong then I can't trust my 'instincts' and that makes me feel even more disconnected from the whole thing.

^ my logical brain tells me that that last but is very stupid. Again. I just can't help it.

OP posts:

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 29/05/2015 07:12

Didn't know with #1. #2 I wanted to know DH didn't so we agreed that he would leave the room at end of scan and I'd keep it a secret. I already knew because baby flashed bits at us but DH didn't notice. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think it was fair for DH to not know but others to know, it was lovely having this secret though that only I knew (well ok, my Dr knew but he pretended he didn't). Two weeks before birth DH decided he wanted to know! LOL

It was hard pretending to be interested in names associated with other sex.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 29/05/2015 07:14

"or find out and not be able to talk about it."

It was kind of delicious being the only one that knew. I hope if you go the way we did you feel the same way.

Athenaviolet · 29/05/2015 07:16

Your pregnancy, your prerogative to find out.

If he doesn't want to know don't tell him.

MissWimpyDimple · 29/05/2015 07:32

I felt very much the same as you. I had a hard time getting my head around the pregnancy and knowing the gender made it much easier to visualise the future and be ready.

It didn't mean i stacked the place in pink or anything like that, just that the baby became more real and more of a person to me.

I respect people who maintain the perfect bubble of perfect familyness and don't find out, but that wasn't my reality and knowing that it was going to hard anyway, knowing the gender was a little thing I could do to make it easier.

Original poster

haroldsfakebluetits · 29/05/2015 07:37

Well we argued over it last night and again just now.

DH says I'm ruining it for him and has stormed off to work. I'm in tears and feel like he's being a fucking asshole tbh.

Will be booking a private scan later, I'm looking forward to the little bit of relief knowing will give me.

OP posts:

CPtart · 29/05/2015 07:57

It's all very well your DH saying it's his baby too. Of course, it is. But how many men Follow that through and take full 50% responsibility for childcare when relationships break up? Not very often.
Your wishes trump his IMO.

Wineandrosesagain · 29/05/2015 08:05

What an arse he is being. Did you explain about your anxiety and how you believed this would help you to connect to the baby? I don't understand how he can ignore that. He should be doing everything he can to help you to avoid Pnd. It seems that his family's views on this are more important than his wife's mental health. He needs to tell them to STFU with their stupid fake 'tradition'.

Original poster

haroldsfakebluetits · 29/05/2015 08:13

I tried to explain but he wasn't listening, just kept shutting me down and saying that I was back tracking on our agreement (when we first got pregnant I'd said we mostly likely wouldn't find out, though in all honesty I didn't think we'd make it past 6weeks now I'm 16 weeks and I'm working so much. I'm getting low and it feels like it's going fast all of a sudden and I've not done any of the things I did for dd or myself at this stage. It's still early I guess.

I'm just cross with him for not listening and I hate it when he gets like this. It's always over random stuff I didn't think he'd much care about. It's not often, but when he does he's so bloody stubborn. Men!

OP posts:

CtrlAltDelicious · 29/05/2015 08:14

What a shame it's working out like this. I don't think YABU at all and can't BEAR it when people "put their foot down" over certain issues. Why do they get the final say because they've "put their foot down?"
He is spoiling this, not you.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 29/05/2015 08:18

It sounds like her cares more what his family think than how you feel, which is sad.
My second pregnancy was unplanned (currently 34 weeks) and one of the reasons DH wanted to find out was because he was feeling a bit shocked and disconnected. I was happy to find out to help him connect with the baby, especially as id had 'my way' first time.

pangaea90 · 29/05/2015 08:21

I'm looking forward to the little bit of relief knowing will give me

You book that scan. He's ruining this, not you and as others have said he should be doing everything he can to support you. You come before some made up 'tradition', and your wellbeing affects the baby too, has he thought of that?

FWIW I completely understand your reasons. I found out because it helped me get my head round it all, connect and prepare. I could imagine the little person growing inside me better. Didn't matter at all what the answer actually was, just that I knew. To me that was much 'nicer' than going round for another four months saying 'it' and not knowing. And it was still a lovely surprise, just earlier on and not when I'd just been through a non-straightforward labour and delivery.

He's still getting a surprise. It's not like he won't find out eventually!

I really hope that scan helps you, and he wakes up and realises what a massive arse he's being.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 29/05/2015 08:22

Maybe write him an email? Tell him that you love him and it because you love him that you wanted to email him about this. Explain that you understand he is upset because he wanted you both to wait. That you understand that he thought you were going to wait too but you no longer want to do that. Also that you will not pressure him to find out and will keep it a secret but it is really important for you to know. You'd rather if both of you knew but you will respect his wishes for him not to find out and you need him to respect your wishes even though he doesn't agree with you.

I'd also tell him that this is making you feel very low and upset and anxious and it is not good for the baby and if you can't agree then perhaps you should agree not to discuss it anymore.

Wineandrosesagain · 29/05/2015 08:25

Op, if he won't let you explain, perhaps write it down in an email, just as you've explained it here, and send it to him. Maybe if he reads how you feel when he's at work and not face to face (and can't 'shut you down') he will have some time to think about it before he comes home.

If I were you I would be massively upset about this. He is being a complete twat. And I find it very difficult to understand his stubbornness and determination not to consider your feelings at all. This isn't a 'men' thing - this is your DH being vvUR; not all men are like this.

BurntPizza · 29/05/2015 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spadequeen · 29/05/2015 08:30

Your dh is being a total wanker.

I don't give a flying fuck about whether this would cause a hooha or not with his family.

I do get not everyone wants to know, but this is not the 1950's. he is not lord and master of the house who gets the final say on everything.

There is no problem with you knowing but you then HAVE to not tell him, be very guarded in what you say, as its then not fair on him.

Your reasons are very valid, his aren't. And I hate when any pregnant woman shows a strong preference for something she's being hormonal. FUCK RIGHT OFF! Drives me mad.

Enjoy your scan today, I hope it helps with your anxiety x

DinosaursRoar · 29/05/2015 08:34

Stop talking about it. Get the private scan, find out, keep it to yourself. Does he even need to know you had a private scan?

Either your DH is being a wanker as previously stated, or he's feeling a bit out of control and wants to control this as it's something that he gets a decision over during the whole 'becoming a parent' thing - woman do get a lot more control and involvment.

But yes, tradition is bollocks - if your DH is over 25 years old, it wasn't a choice for his generation to not find out, it wasnt an option. What he's talking about is a parenting choice his siblings and cousins have made, its not on to say that once 2-3 people in his family have made a particular decision, you have no choice but to follow it as it's become a tradition.