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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have booked this restaurant?

136 replies

BunnyLebowski · 11/05/2015 00:29

We have a favourite local restaurant that we don't get to go to very often. We took my parents last time they visited us and while my Dad really loved it, my mum didn't. The reason? Because it is sharing plates (bigger than tapas, not Spanish and we always order enough to feed 5000) and the food comes as it's ready. She wanted traditional starter + main.

They're over again in a few weeks and my DB and DSIL are visiting too. I've told DB lots about said restaurant, we're both foodies and he was keen to try so I've booked it again knowing my DM won't be happy (it's also very child friendly and we'll have 3 between us).

Context: my mother has an almost impressive history of ruining meals and occasions with her stinginess and passive aggressive strops when things don't go 100% her way. A few years ago she had too much to drink and made a big show of refusing to pay for a family meal that my poor Dad had wanted to treat us all too (they're very well off).

Anyway I booked the restaurant today. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 11/05/2015 00:31

No.

MissusThePoint · 11/05/2015 00:33

That all depends on how much you like your mum. Which by the sounds of it isn't very much.

I wouldn't do this to my mum. She'd be really upset that I'd booked something knowing it wasn't her thing.

Penfold007 · 11/05/2015 00:34

Why waste a good restaurant on her? Go to this restaurant with DB and his family without DM. Book somewhere like a Toby carvery for her, cheap and traditional.

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 00:37

You don't sound as though you like your Mum much?

Your DB has never been there so probably doesn't give a shite, yet you chose to book it knowing your Mum doesn't like it.

Why?

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 11/05/2015 00:40

Penfold then thing is she's not a Toby Carvery kind of person. She enjoys good food. Just so long as it's served in the order she likes Confused .

I want us all to go out together as we all live in different places and we can't do it often.

I love her but she's hard work sometimes. And after years of us all accepting her unreasonable and often extremely hurtful behaviour I am reluctant to pander to her and let it affect the rest of us negatively.

OP posts:
MissusThePoint · 11/05/2015 00:42

But by deliberately winding her up with this choice of restaurant you're at risk of having her grumps spoil the evening for everyone. Is that what you want? Isn't it best to think of the 'greater good'?

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 00:43

This doesn't sound as though you're reluctant to pander, it sounds as though you're deliberately booking somewhere she doesn't like just because you do.

I mean to the point of talking your brother into it too.

It's only food. Surely you can find somewhere to go that suits everyone?

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 11/05/2015 00:45

Like I said Worra, she has extensive history of being mean and unpleasant. I am sick of it and want to have a nice meal with my DP, my dad and my brother.

Every single time we go out to eat she tries to insist that we have the cheapest wine available. She refuses to tip EVER and one time she pretended she'd forgotten something, went back to the table we'd just left and lifted the tip that DP had left because she didn't think it was deserved Shock Shock .

I hate stinginess. I love good food and good wine and ordering whatever I want on the menu. I hate being policed. I vividly remember her crying in a restaurant when I was about 13 because me and my brother had ordered dishes she had deemed too expensive (maybe £2-3 more than the acceptable options).

It's tiring.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 11/05/2015 00:50

Leave her at home and take me instead, I really couldn't be bothered with her...

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 00:52

But when you're having a group meal, it's not all about you and what you want.

You're talking about the past and I understand how that must affect you. By all means take a stance and stop pandering to her in general.

But don't choose what's supposed to be a pleasant meal, to take that stance.

Seriously, if she's that hard work in restaurants why do you need to eat out with her at all?

Pick your battles. Simply having some food in a restaurant shouldn't be one of them.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 11/05/2015 01:01

I don't agree Worra.

By staying at home I would be pandering to her. She'd be delighted and try to make the 9 of us share a sausage roll. And leave enough for seconds.

I want to go out for a meal with my lovely family. As does DP and DD and my dad and my brother and my SIL. We haven't been out for a meal in months. I'm not going to not do what we want to do to please someone who is, literally, impossible to please. No matter where we took her there would be something wrong. I don't see how the meaness of one outweighs the desires of everyone else.

Hell, maybe it is a great big subliminal 'Eff you' to my mother. It's about 30 years overdue if it is.

OP posts:
justonemoretime2p · 11/05/2015 01:01

I feel like your dislike for your mum is either clouding your judgement or your post.

yakari · 11/05/2015 01:07

It looks like you want to make a point - which is fine - but then don't assume she won't fight back and it will be a god awful evening

If you and your DB only see each other very rarely then I see why you want to show him this place but on the other hand it will highly likely be unpleasant. If you and you DB have an option to go another time then do - and enjoy it

At some point you should stand up to her - only you know if this is the right occasion to do so.

MidniteScribbler · 11/05/2015 01:07

Why bother posting? You're not going to change your mind, and all you really wanted was a bunch of random strangers telling you that you're right.

yakari · 11/05/2015 01:07

It looks like you want to make a point - which is fine - but then don't assume she won't fight back and it will be a god awful evening

If you and your DB only see each other very rarely then I see why you want to show him this place but on the other hand it will highly likely be unpleasant. If you and you DB have an option to go another time then do - and enjoy it

At some point you should stand up to her - only you know if this is the right occasion to do so.

yakari · 11/05/2015 01:09

It looks like you want to make a point - which is fine - but then don't assume she won't fight back and it will be a god awful evening

If you and your DB only see each other very rarely then I see why you want to show him this place but on the other hand it will highly likely be unpleasant. If you and you DB have an option to go another time then do - and enjoy it

At some point you should stand up to her - only you know if this is the right occasion to do so.

yakari · 11/05/2015 01:10

Oops sorry for multiple posts - pesky wifi

PannaDoll · 11/05/2015 01:10

I can understand being thoroughly fed up and not wanting to pander to her but your post isn't truthful when you say 'you just want to have a nice meal' because booking somewhere you know she doesn't like wont be nice for anyone (especially if she strops).

If it's really about good food and company rather than a power play then you should book somewhere else or forget the idea of all having s nice meal out .

missnevermind · 11/05/2015 01:15

Tell your mum you are taking DB and DF to this restaurant with your family and you have booked her a seat too.
Give her the choice of joining you to eat or meeting afterwards.

BrockAuLit · 11/05/2015 01:16

Will you be telling her in advance that this is where you are going, that you will be paying, and that given she is on your turf she can either come along and allow you to take the lead or, if she doesn't think she can do that, she can stay at home?

That's absolutely what I would do (and have done) with my DF. He is gracious enough to accept he is ridiculous. Sometimes he will come and keep schtum, sometimes he will choose to stay at home and we all have a better time for it

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 11/05/2015 01:18

Mum: We're all going to X restaurant, I know you don't like it but actually you don't seem to like anywhere.
We're really looking forward to it and want you to be there.
I hope you can make the most of us all being together and find something acceptable to eat.
Or, we'll meet you later.

Haha! If only.

BrockAuLit · 11/05/2015 01:18

Sorry, meant to add that it would be unreasonable of you to oblige her (through a feeling of obligation or through lack of alternative) to do what you want her to do, when you know she won't like it. Give her the choice and take her decision with no offence (if she declines) and good grace (if she accepts).

BumpAndGrind · 11/05/2015 01:22

Anyone else dying to know the name of the restaurant?

Turquoisetamborine · 11/05/2015 02:00

If her miserable face won't spoil it for you then go ahead with the booking. Can't she order bread as a nibbly starter?
She sounds a right pleasure.

differentnameforthis · 11/05/2015 03:35

You chose to book it knowing your Mum doesn't like it, and you call her passive aggressive?

she has extensive history of being mean and unpleasant. I am sick of it But by doing this you are picking up her mantel beautifully! And you KNOW she will kick off/won't like it etc, so what....you want the opportunity to be proved right? The opportunity to watch her ruin this meal just so you can add it to her 'crimes'?

Nothing wrong with not tipping...I hate tipping too. They get paid for the work they do, yes it may be low wage, but I had a low paid job & no one tipped me because it wasn't the 'type' of job you tip for. But I still struggled on a low wage with no tips, as do 1000s of others!

But don't choose what's supposed to be a pleasant meal, to take that stance. Exactly! OP it sounds like you are using this meal to make a point about your mums behaviour. You know there is NO chance this is going to be a good meal, so why are you letting yourself go down this road? It is passive aggressive to set someone up to fail..but then, you know what they say about rotten apples not falling far from the trees, I expect!