to have booked this restaurant?

[BunnyLebowski]

We have a favourite local restaurant that we don't get to go to very often. We took my parents last time they visited us and while my Dad really loved it, my mum didn't. The reason? Because it is sharing plates (bigger than tapas, not Spanish and we always order enough to feed 5000) and the food comes as it's ready. She wanted traditional starter + main.

They're over again in a few weeks and my DB and DSIL are visiting too. I've told DB lots about said restaurant, we're both foodies and he was keen to try so I've booked it again knowing my DM won't be happy (it's also very child friendly and we'll have 3 between us).

Context: my mother has an almost impressive history of ruining meals and occasions with her stinginess and passive aggressive strops when things don't go 100% her way. A few years ago she had too much to drink and made a big show of refusing to pay for a family meal that my poor Dad had wanted to treat us all too (they're very well off).

Anyway I booked the restaurant today. AIBU?

I don't think YABU OP, as it sounds like she's make a fuss regardless.

I don't like Thai food, so if my mum booked us into a Thai restaurant knowing this I'd be a bit about it, but I wouldn't kick up a stink or have a face on. I'd get on with it, because there is rarely nothing at all I can get along with.

Your mum by the sounds of things, will whinge and create wherever, so why not try and make it nice for the majority of you? The rest of you know what she is like.

OP - if you come back to this thread, another question - why are you having this meal? What do you want to get from this?

Most people have a meal with family because they enjoy spending time together, but you clearly don't enjoy spending time with your mother.

This won't be fun if she's clearly pissed off and complaining (unless you find the idea of upsetting her fun). It won't be a nice family time. So why are you going to spend this time and money?

Why?

You can go out with your DB and SIL without your parents. It can be strange if you have only seen your sibling with your parents to move to having a relationship with them without your parents involvement. That probably would be the best option.

Your mother isn't good at meals out, so why do them? Why not arrange to see her somewhere else or do something else with her and your dad that doesn't involve food?

Why spend the time and money when you know it'll be a shit evening? What is the point of going out "all together"?

Also disliking tipping, expensive wine and sharing plates (which I love but which def work out pricier than traditional restaurants) all add up to a picture of dm being a bit tight/frugal/whatever. Op might not like this and clearly dm is going too far if she steals back tips (!) but it's not an unusual trait and not one that makes her a horrible person. Maybe she feels very on edge when spending extravagantly (as she sees it).

I hate tipping too - we are (or should be) paid a living wage

Can her food be brought out as 'starter - main' etc? and everyone else eat as you normally do, and then everyone will be happy

Also, to those saying that dm would be equally unhappy anywhere, op has specifically said that it is this place/style she doesn't like: then thing is she's not a Toby Carvery kind of person. She enjoys good food. Just so long as it's served in the order she likes

Setting up a nice family drama makes your behaviour worse than hers!

You know she doesn't like the place and may have valid reason for that, yet you are booking it anyway. That smacks of petty spite to me!

I think yabu.

She sounds like a pita, but this is not the time or place to make your stance.
You can't honestly say you want try to have a nice meal out together, whilst at the same time actively doing something that you KNOW will piss your mum off

I'd have the meal in a traditional boring restaurant (its still perfectly possible to have a nice time) and then the next day have a frank discussion with your mum over her behavior and how it effects you.

Or just bugger them all, go NC and have a relatively easy life like me

Let her order her own 'meal' so she doesn't have to share with anyone.

She does sound a pain in the arse OP and you have my sympathies.

You sound like you're spoiling for a fight, to be honest. And surely it's just plain rude to book a restaurant when you know that one of your party doesn't like it?

The thing is, you say this could be a big fuck you to your mother and perhaps that's deserved but...You're dragging other people into it.

Presumably your df and db will be paying for their meals. Why waste their money and yours doing something that you know will cause aggro?

I just don't get it.

You may not be unreasonable but you are asking for trouble.

I'd try to book somewhere that suited her but if there's going to be no pleasing her whatever, then you might as well go ahead and ignore her whinging.

I don't like eating out with people who don't tip because generally they cannot keep their stance to themselves, even when you're the one who's picking up the bill.

And for sneaking back to steal a tip that someone has left...

Oooh, I have a great idea. (Apols if anyone has already posted this.)

Send her the menu in advance and ask her to choose two dishes - her "starter" and her "main". (Assure her, if she needs it, that they will correct/adjust the sizes - doesn't have to be true.)
Then on the night, you order those two, just for her, and nobody else touches 'em. You might need to double-up on her "main" and maybe ask them to hold it back a little while until it's "time for mains".

But when you're having a group meal, it's not all about you and what you want.

No, its always about her mother and what her mother wants!

From the sounds of it mammy is going to whine and complain and make a fuss no matter what restaurant OP chooses. So OP might as well enjoy her food if she's going to have to put up with the shit anyway.

YANBU, OP.

Aw, Dragon, you beat me to it.

You may not be unreasonable but you are asking for trouble

Quite.

I think the best thing to do (regardless of where you end up eating) is to speak to your mother beforehand. If you want to recalibrate your relationship be adult about it, get things in the open, tell her what you want and what you are going to do.

Presenting her with a fait accompli of a restaurant she doesn't like, given her track record, is bound to end badly. She will kick off and then you will react, and the overbearing parent/stroppy child dynamic that rather comes out of your posts will have been reinforced.

Don't react to what she does, that traps you in confrontation. Head her off at the pass. If she is still difficult, ignore her as you would a tantrumming toddler.

And why not ask the restaurant if they will do her a special starter and main course meal?

TheEponymousGrub - great minds thinking alike!!

My mum is lovely but can be a leeeetle bit like this.

My sister works on the basis that she needs to pander to it - they have a pretty rubbish relationship.

I do not pander an iota and will quite happily tell her if I think she's being unreasonable - we have a good relationship.

Go enjoy your meal!

It sounds like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

You could say to her that you and DB would really like to meet at this restaurant, but if she can think of anywhere better that would suit you all (kids included), she's welcome to make a suggestion.

I don't think YABU for not pandering to her behaviour but you are playing a childish game. You know she is going to throw a wobbly and ruin it for everyone else. So, by default, you are actively encouraging her to ruin it. Does it have to be this restaurant? You've been before as have your parents. I'm sure you could find a compromise and then, if she kicks off, at least you can be satisfied that you have done the right thing.

YABU and you know it - it's clear from all your replies on the first page you've made your mind up anyway.
If you particularly want to show your DB this restaurant, then take him there. Your Mum has already tried it and didn't really like it. It's somewhat selfish to then book to take her again to somewhere she doesn't like.

Asking the restaurant to do a 3 course for her sounds like a great idea - I hate sharing dishes, getting food in drips and drabs, tipping or paying over the odds for a bottle of wine too. You Mum sounds like she's a canny woman actually - maybe just doesn't express herself very well.

I don't like sharing food unless it's a sharing type of deal. But I don't understand why anyone would object to taking food off a big shared plate unless someone discusting was double-dipping.

Unless it's a restaurant manager I trust, you drink house wine at your peril.

I always tip. Even in shit places. I just don't return to them. The idea of leaving a crappy tip is far worse to leaving nothing, to my mind.

Okay, if that's the message you want to send. I'm not that passive-aggressive.

It astounds me on MN when people say they only tip in restaurants for exceptional service.

What is that? A lap dance?

If they've fucked up, tell them how and why and give them another chance or don't go back.

But don't use it as an excuse not to tip and go back again and again and treat it like a badge of honour.

Badge of honour? Lap dance? What on earth are you on about??

Does she find the 'sharing' type restaurants too modern and noisy? I imagine a child friendly restaurant like this might be too noisy for an elddrly or someone with anxiety issues?

YAUBU but why waste your money and having her mood ruin the dinner?
Can you go for a quite tea and cake with mum and then dinner with db?

If it was your Dad who hadn't liked the restaurant would you have booked it?

You clearly don't like her and are being very PA about the whole thing - almost bullying. Lovely for the rest of the family to have a good bitch about your Mum when the inevitable complaints begin.

Have you ever asked your Mum why she is like that about money?