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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have booked this restaurant?

136 replies

BunnyLebowski · 11/05/2015 00:29

We have a favourite local restaurant that we don't get to go to very often. We took my parents last time they visited us and while my Dad really loved it, my mum didn't. The reason? Because it is sharing plates (bigger than tapas, not Spanish and we always order enough to feed 5000) and the food comes as it's ready. She wanted traditional starter + main.

They're over again in a few weeks and my DB and DSIL are visiting too. I've told DB lots about said restaurant, we're both foodies and he was keen to try so I've booked it again knowing my DM won't be happy (it's also very child friendly and we'll have 3 between us).

Context: my mother has an almost impressive history of ruining meals and occasions with her stinginess and passive aggressive strops when things don't go 100% her way. A few years ago she had too much to drink and made a big show of refusing to pay for a family meal that my poor Dad had wanted to treat us all too (they're very well off).

Anyway I booked the restaurant today. AIBU?

OP posts:

Shodan · 11/05/2015 08:26

I don't like grown adults behaving like stroppy little toddlers when they don't get everything their own way.

If the majority want to go to this restaurant and your mother has no real reason not to go (allergies/phobias or whatever) then she'll have to suck it up. Or not go.

Like LadyStark, I wouldn't be indulging her behaviour either.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/05/2015 08:29

I don't think it's about indulging her behaviour.

Don't want to pander? Fine.

But you're being selfish because you know you're ruining it for everyone.

So everyone gets punished because you've decided to make a point?

You probably learned that from your mother!

JamNan · 11/05/2015 08:32

YANBU
Leave the moany old bag at home or park her with friends and go and have a nice time with your DB and DF. Then ask her where she wants to go and take her out for her own special meal.

morage · 11/05/2015 08:44

LadyStark - I don't like sharing plates either. I always end up with things to please everyone, rather than things I really like.

Scotslasslivinginfrance · 11/05/2015 08:53

Having booked the restaurant could you phone up and explain that one member of the party prefers a more traditional starter / main / pud experience and find out what they could offer. Then phone your DM to give her a heads up that you have booked this place for the family meal, listing the reasons... family friendly, local, would be nice for DB to try etc etc and you just wanted to let her know because you remember she wasn't so keen last time but you have spoken to them and they could provide da da da for her or she could just do the sharing thing along with everyone else.

That way she shouldn't feel unincluded because you have made an effort for her and then its up to her whether she chooses to enjoy herself or make life difficult for the rest of the family.

If she is the type of person to create a 'drama' out of every scenario then changing the restaurant to accommodate her needs may still result in a ruined family meal.

faitaccompli · 11/05/2015 09:32

Could you arrange for the restaurant to do her a more traditional meal - it is hardly rocket science and I am sure they could oblige with enough prior notice. Then she will feel special and you will have the meal that you want as well

faitaccompli · 11/05/2015 09:33

Ooops - did not read to the end of the thread and just seen the poster previous to me has suggested exactly the same thing!

pictish · 11/05/2015 09:42

I can see what other posters are saying about you deliberately poking the hornets nest but I still don't think yabu.
I cba with self important dicks who can't see their way to compromising even when it suits everyone else.
Everyone is happy to go to this restaurant except your mother, so it's tough luck mumsie imo.

So she wants a starter then a main in that order? So what if she does? It doesn't matter. She can have a starter then a main every other day of her life if she likes.

The majority have voted yes so that's that. There's always the option for her to stay at home.

Eustasiavye · 11/05/2015 10:01

I'd tell her where you have booked and say its fine fm she doesn't want to come.

She sounds awful.

AlternativeTentacles · 11/05/2015 10:04

Lets face it - she's never happy. So at least this way the rest of you have some good food.

pictish · 11/05/2015 10:14

Agreed. Unfortunately some people are incapable of seeing beyond the end of their own nose. They truly feel that if all their wishes are not prioritised and taken into account, they are being short changed by everyone else...and even picked on.
There is nothing you can do make them see the might or change their mindset. What seems so obvious to a reasonable person evades them entirely.
When you can't please all of the people, pleasing most of them is the next logical step.

Theycallmemellowjello · 11/05/2015 10:20

YABU I think, I don't think it really makes a difference that it's your mother who dislikes the restaurant - booking a place that you know one of the diners doesn't like is aggressive and unkind imo. If it's a local restaurant you can go there anytime - I'd just find another place. I guess maybe if you live in a really non-foodie part of the world and this is the only decent restaurant for miles then you'd have a point.

pictish · 11/05/2015 10:21

see the light*

pictish · 11/05/2015 10:23

Making everyone abandon a plan they're all happy with to prioritise your own trivial pish is more aggressive and unkind. Don't you think?
Must they all be held in her thrall for the sake of being...what...passive?

AlternativeTentacles · 11/05/2015 10:32

I'd be inclined to say 'to be fair mother, you are never happy. So at least this way, the rest of us get to eat good food'. And have a plethora of examples when she gets the right hump.

Hoppinggreen · 11/05/2015 10:33

Your mother sounds like a pain in the arse.
There are 2 ways of looking at this.
It is very U to go somewhere you know one of the party doesn't like and you will definitely have a shit evening and it will be partly your fault.
OR she will be a pain in the arse whatever so you might as well have to endure her behaviour somewhere you will enjoy.
No idea which one I would pick but I hope you manage to enjoy yourselves either way.

Ceic · 11/05/2015 12:08

YANBU to want to stop pandering to your mum when you know that, no matter where you book, she will do something to spoil the night out.

Where I think you might be unreasonable is, as host, you are knowingly choosing somewhere that may cause your guests to have a less enjoyable evening.

However, I think that if your DB wants to eat there too and is happy to go ahead, knowing that your mum may well try to spoil it then eat there. Talk to your DB and see if he agrees to your chosen restaurant too.

FergalSharkeysfloppyfringe · 11/05/2015 12:13

Is she won't be happy with any choice you make, you should have what the mAjority would enjoy. Why should one person sour a meal for everyone.

Shakey1500 · 11/05/2015 12:17

I also think YABU by being goady. Surely it's better to eat where everyone will like? The chances of it being unpleasant are increased where it could be minimised.

And FWIW, I also don't like tapas et al. SHAKEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!

sunbathe · 11/05/2015 12:25

YABU. I have a difficult mother, no doubt she thinks she has a difficult daughter!

But I don't think I'd set out to upset her in this way. Fairly guaranteed to ruin the night, imo.

Unless that's what you want?

SomewhereIBelong · 11/05/2015 12:52

she has extensive history of being mean and unpleasant

So you think it is right to be mean and unpleasant to her? Learned behaviour? Apple does not fall far from the tree?

Why ruin a night out - unless you actually enjoy seeing your mother miserable? Why act as a host and then effectively say "I know YOU don't like where we are eating, but WE do, so suck it up"?

p.s. I know she has been horrid - you cannot change that - you are only the master of YOUR behaviour, and this seems petty.

Janethegirl · 11/05/2015 13:18

OP I don't think yabu, she sounds the sort to moan regardless.
Although as pps have suggested it may be worth checking with the restaurant if they could do a starter and main especially for her. Prawn cocktail followed by steak or scampi in a basket

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2015 13:25

Ah bollocks, it doesn't matter where you go as she's going to create a fuss wherever.

She sounds very attention seeking and hysterical.

Go to the tapas place and tell her before hand you WILL be tipping, you will choose what the fuck you like and you do want her to shut the fuck up and stop crying like a toddler.

This behaviour only continues because someone doesn't twat her one metaphorically.

Oldraver · 11/05/2015 13:36

She sounds like she would whingbag wherever you went, so definitly choose the restaurant the majority would like

peggyundercrackers · 11/05/2015 13:38

I think YABU and a bit goady. you know she doesn't like it and will moan yet still want to go ahead with it. its not your DM who is being difficult this time, its you. I think your behaviour sounds very much like your DMs.

tbh I wouldn't like to go somewhere that has sharing plates - its definitely not for me. we avoid places like this at all cost - just because others like these types of places doesn't mean I should as well.

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