Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have booked this restaurant?

136 replies

BunnyLebowski · 11/05/2015 00:29

We have a favourite local restaurant that we don't get to go to very often. We took my parents last time they visited us and while my Dad really loved it, my mum didn't. The reason? Because it is sharing plates (bigger than tapas, not Spanish and we always order enough to feed 5000) and the food comes as it's ready. She wanted traditional starter + main.

They're over again in a few weeks and my DB and DSIL are visiting too. I've told DB lots about said restaurant, we're both foodies and he was keen to try so I've booked it again knowing my DM won't be happy (it's also very child friendly and we'll have 3 between us).

Context: my mother has an almost impressive history of ruining meals and occasions with her stinginess and passive aggressive strops when things don't go 100% her way. A few years ago she had too much to drink and made a big show of refusing to pay for a family meal that my poor Dad had wanted to treat us all too (they're very well off).

Anyway I booked the restaurant today. AIBU?

OP posts:
Viewofthehills · 11/05/2015 21:34

My Dad is like this so you have my sympathy. However my solution has just been to never eat out with him after the last time he was awful. It took 5 years, but I think he finally got the hint because he recently took me and the kids out for a meal and paid. ( I can appreciate if you don't want to wait that long)

BrockAuLit · 11/05/2015 22:28

I wonder if the people who are saying YABU have a mother-like relationship with someone like the OP's mum.

Honestly, a lifetime (lifetime!) of this kind of behavior is draining and exhausting and irritating and offensive and belittling and .... whatever else you feel on the day it happens. Which could be anything and anytime, because it happens so many bloody times.

It takes guts to stand up to bad behavior, especially when it's in a parent. But it has to be done and in my limited experience, can yield excellent results.

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2015 05:47

BrockAuLit Yes, in fact I have experience of this. I walked away over 20yrs ago now. So am well versed in dealing with it.

I still wouldn't set myself up for a meal, which is guaranteed to fail. That isn't having the guts to stand up to her, it is doing exactly what she does...being passive aggressive & refusing to see anyone else POV.

SirChenjin · 12/05/2015 08:08

Brock - no, I don't have a mother-like relationship with something like that. I would simply not choose an occasion like this to make my point - I wouldn't spoil a family meal by deliberately winding one of them up.

There have been some very good suggestions about how to come to a compromise - the OP should think about them.

pictish · 12/05/2015 08:13

Yet if it were her dh digging his heels in about the restaurant that suits everyone else, all the yabus would undoubtedly yanbus.

TheoriginalLEM · 12/05/2015 08:24

heres the thing. yanbu but you need to be prepared for an atmosphere

SomewhereIBelong · 12/05/2015 08:28

pictish - nope, not from me.... I think it is really petty to book somewhere one of the party has been to, tried and stated a dislike for.

We don't eat out often, so it is always somewhere we all like - from past experience or somewhere new.

Deliberately choosing to make somebody unhappy is mean, whoever that person is and whatever their history.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 12/05/2015 08:49

But she has tried the restaurant and didn't like it. In what world do you pick a restaurant when you know one of the party don't like it?

The fact she is generally awkward in restaurants is irrelevant to the booking of this one which her mum has said she didn't like.

I bet if it was your dad who hasn't liked it you wouldn't have booked. Your feelings for your mother are clouding your judgement on this.

pictish · 12/05/2015 10:02

SomewhereIbelong then perhaps as an adult, they ought not to get upset or unhappy over their choice of eatery alone not being prioritised over everyone else's?

I remember a post from a while back about a group of friends who ate out together regularly and always had to pick a certain restaurant because one of the dhs was a picky and limited eater (Gareth, I remember his name) and didn't like anywhere else.
One time they collectively decided to try somewhere new because they liked the sound of it. Gareth and his wife were invited along on the premise that they were of course welcome, but if Gareth didn't fancy it everyone would understand. Of course, Mr and Mrs Picky were most displeased that his all important limitations were not being prioritised on this occasion. They kicked off.
The post was an AIBU. AIBU to want to try this restaurant?
It was a unanimous YANBU based on the fact that the place suited the majority.

Why is this any different? If the mum is really that bothered about having her food served in a certain order (and let's face it, for a one off occasion it's a bloody petty thing to dig your heels in about) she can ask for it. I have no doubt they will accommodate. If it's such a big deal.

If there is unpleasantness on the evening it is only the mother who will be responsible for it. She alone may choose how to conduct herself. It is not for OP or anyone else to take her behaviour on as being within their jurisdiction. Mum can diddle along and make the best of the food while enjoying the company or she can spoil it for everyone else and make a tit of herself because she didn't get her own way.

Rather than this not being the time or place for the OP to assert herself, I think it's the perfect opportunity. It's only a meal out...it's not a life changing decision. If mum chooses to create a shit storm about it that's her own show. I say stick with the original plan.

Only1scoop · 12/05/2015 10:04

Nothing to add but....

Pictish how I remember ....Gareth Grin

pictish · 12/05/2015 10:06

Was a blinder of thread! Grin

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 10:12

"In what world do you pick a restaurant when you know one of the party don't like it?"

Actually, in the world of grown ups, this is something that happens all the time. Just that most of the time you'd never know because the dislikee has the grace to keep their mouth shut so as not to spoil it for the majority.

Unless it's a really Marmite cuisine such as Thai where there'll be absolutely nothing on the menu for the fussier ones to eat, then most people can and do put up and shut up with eating at a restaurant that isn't their first choice.

pictish · 12/05/2015 10:14

Just so.

SomewhereIBelong · 12/05/2015 10:16

pictish, I guess you are right - it is just the pettiness implied in the OP

"I've booked it again knowing my DM won't be happy"

makes it sound like the op is just as PA as his/her mum.

pictish · 12/05/2015 10:24

Nah she's not. She's just had enough that's all. I think the OP is well wise to her mother and aims to break out of the role of enabler.

fleurdelacourt · 12/05/2015 10:25

YABU

I don't like my MIL but even I wouldn't be so passive aggressive as to deliberately book a restaurant knowing she didn't like it and would kick off?

Book somewhere with more conventional service this time and take your foody BIL to the sharing restaurant another time.

FleurDuMal123 · 12/05/2015 10:27

I think she sounds like a miserable bugger. As people have said, if she's impossible to please whatever, you might as well just please everyone else.

Jengnr · 12/05/2015 10:42

If she will be difficult and moan and complain regardless you might as well book where you want.

If she's fussy and awkward about sharing but is otherwise ok then, annoying as it is, you ought to suck it up and book somewhere else.

pictish · 12/05/2015 10:46

Seriously...any adult who employs the I'll-jolly-well-have-a-bloody-tantrum-and-then-you'll-all-be-sorry tactic as a way of controlling others, has something wrong with them that should not be validated by acquiescence.
The repercussions are too destructive.
I know that all sounds very grave over a simple meal, but that's how these people operate. It's insidious, creeping, habit forming and unhealthy.

WipsGlitter · 12/05/2015 10:56

But are you really going to enjoy it if she is giving off and is obviously not enjoying it?? You are setting yourself up for a shitty night (which you will then blame your mum for I think!!)

Is there no compromise place you can go to? Can you mum not order two things she wants and have them brought out to her as a starter and main and not do the sharing thing?

In the Gareth thread he had the option to opt out which I am not sure the OPs mum has.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 12/05/2015 10:59

i am constantly amazed how long a thread can go without any input from the OP.

ClaudetteWyms · 12/05/2015 11:03

YANBU OP, I would book wherever you like - it sounds like she would make a scene wherever you go.

her what you've booked and say if she doesn't fancy it she can meet up with you all another time. I wouldn't pander to her at all.

pictish · 12/05/2015 11:03

Well it becomes a topic for debate. I like hearing from and responding to other posters as well as the OP. The introduction of the subject is often what is interesting rather than the conclusion.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/05/2015 11:12

I think it's different from Gareth Gate (Wink) because they were pissed off pandering to Gareth but a) they didn't know for certain that he would dislike everything since he'd never been to that restaurant and b) there wasn't years of repressed familial anger waiting to erupt!

I'm all for not pandering and for standing your ground but time and place!

SuburbanRhonda · 12/05/2015 11:16

No matter how lovely the food is, I probably wouldn't be able to eat, never mind enjoy the food if I thought that any minute my mum would kick off.

I would go somewhere else, OP, if what you want is the whole family there.

Then go to the sharing restaurant another time with the others.