Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want DP to become SAHD

138 replies

notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 19:10

Basically I earn a lot more than DP and have been juggling work and my DD since she was born 15 months ago (I work for myself from home so it's been tough but completely doable).

DP was made redundant around 10 months ago and has done absolutely nothing to find another job since. He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

We now have another baby on the way, so I was not planning on going back to work full time until the new baby is 1 year (my part time hours are still enough to support the family so this would be fine). DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time. Our DD will just be starting pre school at that point, and new baby will be 1 and I was planning to find a childminder for her.

I had always wanted to be a SAHM but because I earnt more and then DP was made redundant I've worked my backside off trying to keep us all comfortable etc. DP knows full well that I would have loved to do this though.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tanito279 · 19/04/2015 19:15

You are definitely not being unreasonable! My husband also thinks that being a SAHD would be wonderful. I told him if he couldn't pay the rent then he couldn't live with us (a few years ago I worked 2 jobs to support us while he stayed at home playing Xbox). All you can do is be honest because he needs to know how you feel. Can you help him to find a job?

Lucyccfc · 19/04/2015 19:17

Yes and no.

Why pay out for a childminder when your DP is happy to be a SAHP. You will need to discuss this in more detail and agree who does what. Will he do most of the housework, washing, cooking, ironing etc (as a lot of SAHM's do). Will he do the school run and parent and tots groups etc?

I think you both need a really honest discussion about why he wants to be a SAHD and why you don't want him to do this.

maroonedwithfour · 19/04/2015 19:17

Is it because your jealous, if so yabu. If you have enough money for him to sah, he should be able to do it.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 19/04/2015 19:17

No, of course YANBU. In this situation, where you can both see the attraction of being at home, I would be pushing to both work part time and share childcare and domestic duties.

At the end of the day, having a SAHP should be first and foremost because you believe Its benefiting your child- not primarily about enabling a parent to indulge their own desires. So given that you both want to have time at home, then plan for both of you to get a decent balance. It will be good for your chuldren to have that time with both parents anyway

OMGmetoo · 19/04/2015 19:20

I don't understand the problem. Can't your DH want to SAH too? I know some truly excellent SAHDs!

shitebag · 19/04/2015 19:23

Why don't you want him to be a stay at home Dad?

It sounds as though you'd have been happy to do it if his earnings allowed it so why isn't it okay for him to be happy to do the same thing?

Tanito how would you have felt if your husband had told you that? I'd have been livid with my husband for being so dismissive of my feelings and the work that goes into staying at home with the children.

BigChocFrenzy · 19/04/2015 19:26

Depends how serious he is as about the duties of a SAHD, rather than you doing most of the work.
Could you both work part-time, maybe ?

Talk to him about what he would need to do as a full / part-time SAHD, so you both have equal leisure team, with both having some parenting time.
Work out the hours and agree a fair division of tasks, also the agreed standards to which housework, garden, laundry, shopping, cooking, playgroups etc would have to be done

attheendoftheday · 19/04/2015 19:29

If you both want to be a sah parent then both working part time seems fairest to me.

Panzee · 19/04/2015 19:31

I understand, this happened to us, a bit. H got made redundant and is now self employed, but I earn more on a FT wage out of the home. He gets to do the school run and has more time with the younger one, although he works too so we use childcare as well. I am quite envious, and also feel a bit trapped, because I can never reduce my hours. My solution is to keep laying the lottery and to be grateful that one of us can do this, but it does sting.

Sirzy · 19/04/2015 19:31

It sounds like the issue is your jealous? If so the yabu but I can understand why!

Penfold007 · 19/04/2015 19:31

Why can't you both work part time and then share the stay at home parent / chores role?

shewept · 19/04/2015 19:31

Yabu. Because I can't see any reason why he shouldn't be.

If its because you want to be, then you are both going to have to compromise.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 19:34

Both parents have to be on board for one to stay at home. It could work very well but I can understand you being resentful as it's what you would have wanted. I'm presuming you have spoken before and he'd agreed to look for work but he's been lazy about it or putting it on a backseat which only builds more resentment?

Would he make a good SAHD? If he's been off doing no job, have you been able to concentrate on your work when being at home? You say you've had to juggle both which makes me wonder how his SAHD skills are?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2015 19:34

You'd get a childminder in over letting your husband be a SAHP? How is that fair? If you were a man posting that he'd told his wife that 'if she couldn't pay the rent she'd be out', you'd be shredded. I think that was a horrible thing to say. Is there something else going on maybe?

If you're going back to work full time then somebody will need to be at home, won't they? Husband or childminder?

maliaki · 19/04/2015 19:36

If you both want to be a sah parent then both working part time seems fairest to me.

Sounds fair to me too.

Nolim · 19/04/2015 19:43

Yabu.
From a practical point of view it makes sense for him to stay at home or at least have an honest and open conversation. As someone else already said if the roles were reversed the parent who doesnt want the other one to sah would be hung out to dry.
Both of you will have to compromise.

shewept · 19/04/2015 19:46

Just trying to imagine is the op was a man writing this about a his female dp.

TwoOddSocks · 19/04/2015 19:47

Well I think it depends, if you think your DH can earn enough to cover the childminder and have some extra and you think the family needs the money then YABU.

However since you can support the family on a part time wage that seems not to be the case. If you just don't want him to be a SAHD because you can't be a SAHM I think YABU. Why pay for a childminder when the little one can have her own dad?

Of course if you could both work part time that would be the most fair.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/04/2015 19:51

I totally understand why you feel the way you do but by the same token I don't think it's strictly speaking reasonable to feel that way.

Viviennemary · 19/04/2015 19:52

YANBU. It's all very well for one parent to stay at home if the other one is fully prepared to take on the whole financial burden of the household. If one parent isn't prepared to do that then it's a non starter. No way would I agree to be the sole person earning the money for a house and wouldn't expect somebody else to agree to it either if they were reluctant to.

Littlemonstersrule · 19/04/2015 19:55

If you don't want to be the only earner, you have every right to say that. You shouldn't be forced into the position. That goes for a man or woman.

If you would both like more time at home then part time each is the way to go.

Original poster
notsureaboutthis10 · 19/04/2015 20:01

Thanks for the replies.

I would like things to be fairer - that doesn't mean I'm jealous. I bring in 100% of the money and do 90% of the childcare. This will continue when our new baby is born, only I'll have 2 children to look after, plus my work to do. Why shouldn't he get a job and take some of the earning pressure from me?

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 19/04/2015 20:02

Is your resentment more to do with the fact that he didn't get off his arse and find another job after being made redundant? Because if you can support your family working part time then I don't get why it's such a problem for him to be a SAHD. I would have been really annoyed by the failure to job hunt when you had planned to be at home with your DD.

shewept · 19/04/2015 20:03

How do you do 90% of childcare and work ft. That doesn't even make sense. Unless your child is asleep all day and up all night.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 19/04/2015 20:04

Ah, OK, if he's not pulling his weight re childcare then I totally get it! I would focus on that first - when you're working, he should absolutely be doing 100% of the childcare! Even if you were/are bf, he should have brought her to you for feeds and then left you in peace again!