To not really want DP to become SAHD

[notsureaboutthis10]

Basically I earn a lot more than DP and have been juggling work and my DD since she was born 15 months ago (I work for myself from home so it's been tough but completely doable).

DP was made redundant around 10 months ago and has done absolutely nothing to find another job since. He loves being at home with DD (I'm there too) and enjoys cooking, and general domestic things really.

We now have another baby on the way, so I was not planning on going back to work full time until the new baby is 1 year (my part time hours are still enough to support the family so this would be fine). DP has decided that he would like to remain at home after I've gone back to work full time. Our DD will just be starting pre school at that point, and new baby will be 1 and I was planning to find a childminder for her.

I had always wanted to be a SAHM but because I earnt more and then DP was made redundant I've worked my backside off trying to keep us all comfortable etc. DP knows full well that I would have loved to do this though.

AIBU?

Theycallme I'd advise actually reading a thread before commenting in future...

Theycallme It's not the fact that her dp wants to SAH it's the fact that when he is at home op still has to do 90% of the childcare and all of the housework and earn all of the money. It has nothing to do with the gender roles

RTFT fheycallmemellojello!

OP, if you seek advice you might find you can manage alone, and maternity leave might give you time to sort out where to live and so on, and new childcare arrangements.

YANBU as it has to be a decision you are both happy with. I went back to work last summer after my dd turned one. I wanted to be a SAHM but DH didnt agree with me even though he earns 3 times my salary. He was open to me working part time which is what I do since returning to work. It's not about the money for him but more about the pressure being the sole earner especially as he has his own business. We are lucky that our parents look after dd. I found that returning to work part time has been enjoyable so there hasn't been any resentment between us and DH has had to pull his weight as I was adamant that my non working days weren't going to be spent catching up with chores all day but spending time with dd. we do the chores together in the evening when she's asleep. It works for us although initially it wasn't what I wanted.

Get rid of him and get an au pair. A trained monkey would be less hassle.

Unemployed, no effort to get a job, and does a little above FA.

You are not stuck. He's the one with no job.

I'd say the same if it were a woman.

He doesn't want to work, in the home or out of it.

It's nice to think you can solve this with a chat, you doing all the policing, compromise, etc.

It won't work because this person doesn't want to do it, he's shown you this for the past 10 months. He knows you are knackered, but instead of stepping up, he has more reasons to do even less, like get a cleaner.

Thanks expat. I might just do that.

I am of two minds (and admit I have only read the OP, not the entire thread)...

If your DH is good with the children, and you have more earning potential, why deny him the opportunity to be the "primary caregiver" during work times?

However, I understand the desire to have the "male head of the household" contributing to household finances.

I have (had) more earning potential than DH, but after a spinal chord injury, my neurosurgeon said "enough is enough" and I am now signed off work permanently. I am on the government tit (yes, go ahead, judge me - I used to earn six figures, and now bring in less than 5k annually - clearly I have no desire to work). With that said, if DH wanted to be primary caregiver, was capable, and I was able to work - I wouldn't deny him that.

Just my opinion, though.

I wouldn't trust him given the background and context. Sounds more like he wants to position himself as dependent spouse and primary caretaker of children. Or, he is just plain lazy and thinks it would be a cushy number. Just say No.

Look at it this way OP. I started this thread with the impression it was just about you wanting to be sahp just because you wanted to. I am very sure many men out there, who are the only person bringing money in feel the same. Not because they think its easy but because, they would like the opportunity too.

But your updates have changed my mind on your particular situation.

Both me and dh work. We always have (aside from my mat leave of 6 months for each child). I would never been happy giving up my financial independence, nor would I have been happy having the financial burden of DH only.

It wouldn't work for everybody, but its what we chose and we decided. Whether a family has a sahp or not is a family decision. We worked out what we would both be happy with. It seems that you and your DP have just fallen into this. He is happy and you, understandably, are not.

I honestly don't see how life could be any harder for you without him. I am not suggesting you split because he wants to be a sahp, but your last post makes me think you are deeply unhappy with him.

But before you do anything, maybe take sometime to think about things when did you start feeling like this? If he was to get a job and support you more, can you get past these feelings or are done? Will he step up and help you more if you tell him how you feel? Is he aware of how you feel? or is it a case of he knows how unhappy you are but will keep it up as long as he can get away with doing nothing?

It sounds like you want a partner and he isn't isn't that. He is someone who lives with you.

I am the high earner in my family and DH has recently become a SAHD following redundancy. DCs are school age (both will be secondary school from Sept) and we have a cleaner. We have had a few teething troubles (which I have complained about on here!) as I expected him to take over more of the household admin than he did, but things are improving and fundamentally I can see the benefit to the DC and even to me. Plus I don't feel particular financial pressure because I know he would get a job if I asked him to plus we could afford for me to change job and find something part time. He did have a period of unemployment when the children were little and I really hated that as we were less financially secure at the time so did feel the pressure.
The main thing I have been concerned about this time is residency if we were to split up. But we have a strong relationship (apart from the teething troubles referred to above) and he is a great dad so I am confident he would want to do the right thing by the DC, plus they are of an age when I am sure that their wishes would be taken into account. So I have decided not to over-worry about that.

However, one of my friends who is the sole/main earner in her family (despite her wishes) has younger DC and has had legal advice that if she were to split up her DH would probably get to stay in the family home with the DC and she would get to see them every other weekend. For that reason she has decided in stay in a not great relationship.

There are lots of warnings on here (quite rightly) that if a woman decides to become a SAHM she needs to think hard about the consequences of giving up financial independence. Of course the other side of this is that the person with financial independence (unless both work) is giving up the role of primary carer which would also have huge negatives for that person in a divorce situation.

OP, if you are miserable with him, then I would think seriously about getting rid. That sounds glib and I don't mean it to be, but that is the bottom line: he doesn't make you happy.

Well from your updates it sounds like the best solution would be for you both to work part-time and NOT live together. Share the children's time, share the workload, he has to manage his own house, you yours. You still get a break (which I know means being away from your DC) and he has to step up and learn how to cope. However with a new baby on the way, you will need some help at home.

The people who are getting their knickers in a twist about sexism, when I had my two stints of being a SAHM my DH was fully on board, we discussed it at length, my position has always been to start from the idea that both partners work regardless of their genitalia and it was a joint decision based on my DD's welfare.

Don't.
I have a lazy fucker of a SAHP and I resent it . It is marginally better now that DS is at school (it makes a bit more sense as wrap around childcare is harder to get) - if there was any way of sharing i would do it